a thousand words

Thursday, August 6, 2009


Gay marriage is wrong because all marriage is wrong.

No, I’m not making a married guy joke, although my closet space is like the Palestinian homeland— shrinking or nonexistent. No, I am talking about the issue and I think this is how it will all end:

Marriage is a religious ceremony; a covenant between two people and God (insert the God of your choice here) And If you think it’s only “between a man and a woman” that doesn’t change my analysis-- Mr. Trump.

Now, last time I checked, the Constitution does not allow the government to make any law “respecting the establishment of any religion.” For a long time now, we’ve looked the other way when it comes to marriage because lets face it, you need to believe in God to make that deal. God’s not married, you know, but he wants us all to do it. Easy for him to say. He can just make another wife and I bet Mrs. God doesn’t have mood swings or hog the covers or....

Where was I?

Oh yeah, the law. Now, since marriage is a religious covenant, the government cannot make laws supporting it or against it for that matter. And they damned sure should not be requiring fees for it. We are protected in our religious freedom. The fact that we’ve been screwing it up for so long means nothing and all this “tradition” stuff is bullshit. You can’t have a tradition of doing something unconstitutional that undermines the rights of others. The last traditions like that fell in the 1960’s, remember?

So the government, state and federal will be out of the marriage business. No laws, no tax, no fees, none of that. Instead, it can acknowledge what it always has: civil unions. Most people would be surprised to find that they are married well before the ceremony. Once you sign the paper, you’re hitched in the eyes of the law. That fancy church thing and expensive party where your uncle makes an ass out of himself is all for show. Considering the divorce rate theses days, most people should just sign the license, kick each other in the groin then move back in with their parents.

Under the 14th Amendment everyone must be treated equally under the law. Thus, everyone can get a civil union, which triggers insurance and the like, sign the papers, then go to the church of their choice (insert church here) and swear the covenants not to do sexual stuff people are born to do until you die.

So the government would protect civil unions and guarantee all rights attendant thereto.

The church would protect marriage and forgive all the sins you’ll commit while married.

And never the twain shall meet.

Got it angry gay people looking for validation of your lifestyle from people who hate you?

Got it angry straight people holding on to hate and prejudice in our changing world?

Reasonable gay and straight people, I'm not talking to you because you already knew all of this.

Now I’m off to toss everything out of my closet that isn't brown or sports-related.