Deceased Presidents So Mad That They Renounce GOP From The Afterlife
Washington D.C. – Two more prominent Republicans jumped ship this week. The Beltway was shocked when Republican Arlen Spector switched to the Democratic Party last week. But the GOP is in panic mode over the news that former Presidents Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan have also called it quits.
Lincoln, the 16th President said that the party has grown bitter, bigoted and overly concerned with religion. “Our once proud party led the way to the most profound system of government the world has ever known,” said the man once called “Honest Abe.” “The Republican Party was once a beacon of freedom and an example for the rest of the world. Now, they’re just a bunch of assholes.” He also said Rush Limbaugh was a hemorrhoid filled with idiot pus.” Of Sarah Palin he said “I’d like to take her to a play with me, if you know what I mean.”
Reagan, the 40th President had even stronger words for his former colleagues. “What a bunch of dick-dumb, fuck-brained, shit-sacks! Our party is about small government and large freedoms, not this bullshit they tried to pull off.” When asked about George W. Bush Reagan said “You know it’s ironic. Bush was as dumb as oatmeal and his mother looked just like that guy on the oatmeal box.”
Republicans were quick to denounce both dead Presidents. Michael Steele, head of the Republican Party said that Reagan was a brain-addled loser and Lincoln was “overrated.”
Reagan responded by saying Steele had “girl hips” Lincoln quipped, “Maybe I shouldn’t have freed them all.” Then he passed Reagan what appeared to be a joint.
The Republicans have lost the White House, The House of Representatives and will soon face a super-majority in the Senate. It’s the lowest point for the GOP since The Great Depression. “It’s a shame,” said Lincoln, “We used to have it going on.”
Lincoln also said the Republicans could no longer use his name or likeness in their promotions. Therefore, the GOP can no longer be called "The Party Of Lincoln." Reagan suggested they be called "The Party Of Old, Greedy, Racist White Men Who Raped The Constitution And Gave Birth To The Misbegotten Baby Of Fascist Tyranny." Lincoln pointed out how hard that would be to put on a bumper sticker.
Some have suggested the Republicans change their mascot from an elephant to a snake. Reagan disagrees. “They should keep the elephant, they should just show its humongous ass, since that’s what’s doing all the thinking these days.”