Friday, May 28, 2010
BECAUSE I AM NOW WHITE, TIGER WOODS HAS TURNED BLACK
IN AN UNFORSEEN TURN OF EVENTS, MY NEW WHITENESS HAS FORCED BLACKNESS ONTO ANOTHER RACIAL ESCAPEE.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction - Issac Newton
I knew leaving the race would have some consequence, but I didn’t see this one coming. After having a loud argument and fight with his wife over another woman which ended in a car accident and a golf club beating, Tiger Woods has taken my place as black.
Woods, 33, whose real name is Eldrick Tont Woods was involved in a one car accident outside of his Florida Mansion. He hit a fire hydrant then a tree. Rumors have swirled that Woods had an affair with celebrity playgirl Rachel Uchitel.
“I can’t believe it, “ said one neighbor, Woods ran out of the house and I swore I heard him yelling “Feets don’t fail me now!”
Also, neighbors report hearing Wood’s middle name "Tont" being yelled during the fight. Woods’s wife Elin Nordegren is Swedish and in Swedish Tont or tönt means "idiot." (I’m not making this up: See Tont Definition)
Woods is denying it all and not talking to police but doctors say his facial injuries occurred before the car accident. And I don't know about you but when I see a car accident, the first thing I do is grab for my golf club.
And to make matters worse, a Miami based company is now selling a new line of golf clubs called “Tiger Tamers” for keeping your man in line.
I am saddened by this. Even as I was let out of a speeding ticket by a nice cop this morning, I grieved. I was hoping my leaving the race would do something good like making Michael Steele buy a Pimp Cup and some gold fronts or making Condolezza Rice do the booty dance at the G4 Summit.
A lot of people were mad at Woods when he married a blonde, noting that he had more black and Asian blood but it's all good because I think the wife turned black, too.
Lionel Richie who also got his ass kicked by a woman said that Woods shouldn't let it get him down. "People will have their jokes and then it'll all be over." Ironically, Richie made this comment while sitting down to pee. Al Green who also got a female beatdown said. "A golf club ain't got nothing on some hot grits."
I feel awful. I’ve always liked Woods. Even though golf is like watching paint dry, I thought his exit from the race was elegant and smooth. I wasn’t even mad. But now I guess we can put him back on the cover of Jet.
You know, I suppose I could come back and that would clear this mess up....
You're on your own, Negro.