by Ronnie Dyson - Supernatural Editor.
NEW YORK - The Devil is speaking out on the disaster in Haiti and comments made by televangelist Pat Robertson. Robertson, 80, said recently that the country of Haiti was being punished because it made a deal with Satan during the French occupation and now Beelzebub was calling in his debt.
We reached out to Satan through our Republican connections and got an exclusive interview with the Fallen Angel.
"It's absolutely not true," said Satan, (age undetermined) I made no deal with the Haitians, my deal was with Pat Robertson.
When we asked why Robertson would lie, Satan just said "Duh!"
Satan says the substance of the deal is as follows: Robertson wanted power and a base from which to spew racist hateful and divisive speech with impunity. "Think about it," said Satan, "He has a religious platform, wraps himself in the Bible but all he does is say evil things. That's me all over." Robertson also asked not to pay taxes and wanted a comfy office chair and some shiny objects.
We remarked to Satan that this was an unprecedented thing to say that Robertson who has devoted his life to the church was in league with the Devil. And that it would dishearten millions.
"What do you want from me?" said Satan. "People are stupid. Some guy says he's a Christian but all he does is denigrate his fellow man, build idols from money, lie and tells you who it's okay to hate in the name of God. You know who you can hate in God's name? No one. Not even me. By the way, all you people who pray for me, stop it. I can barely hear by Lady Gaga CD."
When asked about the earthquake, Satan became very angry. "I didn't do it!" He said. "Every time something bad happens, I get blamed. All I care about is people losing their faith in the crisis but I don't bring the crisis." Haiti in ruins
Satan also said that he's sure God didn't cause the quake either. "When when you talking monkeys accept that this is your world and we're just watching the show?"
Satan did, however, confess to creating America's Got Talent.
The Son of Morning also said he had similar deals with half of Congress, Rush Limbaugh and Simon Cowell who he said was "a chip off the old block."
Robertson called Satan's accusations "Ridiculous" and said he is pledged to the Lord. Satan's just laughed at this and said: "That's my boy."