a thousand words

Friday, May 28, 2010



I don’t feel like being black today.

How many times have you either said that or heard someone say it? We all know it really means I’m tired of the stupid behavior of others. Well, when I say it, I really mean it. Sometimes, my people make me sick. And I feel this way because I’m trapped by that connection we all have to the culture, that deep, cellular soulfulness that binds you to the race.

Well, not anymore.

I discovered a loophole that finally lets me out. On my birth certificate someone (God bless him) made a mistake. In the race boxes, my mother and father are both listed as “white!” I called the state and as far as they are concerned, I am white.

Because of this, ladies and gentlemen, I am white in Michigan, all fifty states, in every country and throughout the world and the universe.

Bye bye, Negroes!

I am out and I couldn’t be happier about it. And I didn’t have to burn off my skin to do it. In your face, Sammy Sosa!

Undoubtedly people will be confused because I still have the black skin, so I’ve put my birth certificate on a necklace and I wear it everywhere I go. Also, I bought some dockers.

And now that I’m white I want to talk about some things about you black people that have always pissed me off.

First off, white people ain’t all that bad. Why are you obsessed with us, what we do, what we look like and the consistency of our hair. Okay, I know there was slavery and all that shit but that was a long time ago. Get over it.

If you think that most people are good, then you have to accept that most of us white people are good. So logic dictates that you should give us the benefit of the doubt. So no more of that standing around looking all badass, dark and what not. It's unsettling, especially when I'm using my debit card.

And black ladies, maybe some of you could just use your own hair, okay? It's really nice and there’s only so much hair in India.

Secondly, Why do you people treat each other so badly? Why does every black person want every other black person to do things for them out of devotion but they won’t do it themselves? Also, why don’t the men and women get along? Seems like the women want the men but the men don’t want them back. And yet there are babies everywhere! So either you guys work it out on some level, or the homies are running invitro labs in the ‘hood.

And black men, what's with the absentee dad thing? Is that really working out for you? It's ridiculous. The women get a soul and lose their freedom and the man keeps his freedom but loses his soul. Also you screw up Father's Day. But hey, we got Britney Spears and Levi Johnston, so I guess we're even.

Also, can you all shut up in the movies? Can you shut up in Target, in church—oh hell, just shut up! You black people are the chattiest folk I know. And what the hell are you talking about, anyway? Us white folk talk about our boats, our lineage, skiing and how we really don’t want our kids to be gay or marry outside their race. So just quiet down. And hey, pick some ringtones without the words ass and swagga in them, will ya?

Now, there are some things I will miss. I like how black strangers say hello or acknowledge you like you’re in some kind of secret society. The head nod is my favorite or the smile from the ladies. This really helps at airport security and the post office.

I will also miss being part of the consciousness of the nation. Black people are the ones who can’t be fooled with bullshit and who always see through to humanity. Us white folks tend to be a little myopic and often we filter everything through this notion that we are always right.

Some things I can see won’t change. White and black folk worry about jobs, the economy and their children’s future. And both black and white Santa Clauses are creepy and smell like liquor.

Still, it’s good to be out. I put in a lot of years at the Black Factory and while they never downsized, the pay sucked and the 401k was for shit.

Well, I’m off to enjoy my new life. I’ll listen to Kings Of Leon and go to those secret places we never tell the you people about. And I’ll enjoy Glenn Beck and American Idol where we can sing just as good as the blacks.

Also, I believe the President, (who I like to think of as half white) should definitely show us his birth certificate. Just look at what I found on mine!

I feel a little sorry for my former brothers and sisters. I know you want out and I’d like to help you, but if I did, well, that would just make us all the same and who wants that?

And lastly, I have a son. I was really worried about whether he could come with me into this bright new world. So I checked his birth certificate and I'm happy for the future. His birth certificate doesn't say anything about race at all.

He gets to just be a person.