speak on their estrangement.
Many people have requested that I interview these two icons. It has been hard getting them together (for obvious reasons) But here it is. I convened with them at an undisclosed location. They were cool but I could sense the tension coming. They did not disappoint.
GARY: Hey, Love and Sex. So good to see you together again.
LOVE: Thank you.
SEX: Good to be here.
GARY: So I don’t think a lot of people know that you two used to be married.
LOVE: I wouldn’t call it that. We were joined together in spirit.
SEX: It was a marriage without the consequence.
GARY: That’s a matter of opinion, isn’t it?
LOVE: Yes. You couldn’t have sex without love or love without sex. It was mandated.
GARY: So what the hell happened? Who screwed this up?
LOVE: Sex did. It got too big for its britches.
SEX: I’d expect you to say that. The way I see it, Love got old—and fat.
GARY: Hold up, no need to be nasty.
SEX: Sorry, I take that back. Love ain’t fat—it’s thick.(Laughs)
LOVE: Like I was saying, sex became more important to some people and they thought doing it without love or wanting it to lead to love was cool and fun.
SEX: It is and you know it. Sex feels good, it mellows people and gives them purpose and enlightenment.
LOVE: See what I’m saying? Sex acts like it’s a religion instead of a biological act. You’re just an uppity sneeze.
SEX: Now who’s being mean?
GARY: When did the separation begin?
SEX: Not that again.
LOVE: Well, people used to sing about me. All the songs were about Love. Even if they were about sex, they still had me in mind. Love is a higher calling, you know. Then Prince came along. He sang about Love and Sex but all anyone paid attention to were the sex songs. He muddled the issue and then everyone started singing and rapping about Sex for the sake of Sex. He even had an album called LoveSexy. Bastard.
SEX: Love is a real hater.
GARY: Why do you say that?
SEX: I started getting all the attention, especially from the rappers. Society shifted its values and concerns and I came out on top. Look, people still like Love but no one sits around thinking about it. Love made itself too elusive. “I’m Love; I’m a mystery!” Love “mysteried” its ass right out of relevance. Not my fault, baby.
GARY: So you two parted company?
LOVE: I didn't leave Sex. Sex left me. I am the original. There was Love well before Adam looked down and said “Lord, what’s this thing for?" God created man out of Love.
SEX: Oh, here we go.
LOVE: Read your Bible, Mr. Crotch. It says "For God so LOVED the world,” not “For God so sex-ed it,” you sweaty reality show.
SEX: That kind of propaganda let Love rule for a long time but we are now in the age of Sex. I’m everywhere. Women are stuffing their bodies with fake boobs and butts. Men are taking drugs to get it on. People are doing it with anything that moves. People are at it twenty-four seven and they don’t care if they are married, single, cripple or crazy. Everybody has to get theirs! Back that ass up! Thank you Republicans, by the way.
LOVE: Jesus, when will this fifteen minutes be over?
GARY: You’re wrong about that.
SEX: Say what?
GARY: Love is not one emotion, it’s every emotion: hope, fear, desire, affection all of them and the quantity is unique to the union. Love is an ideal, a perfection that while unreachable takes you on a journey of self-discovery. In the effort to get and keep Love, we all become better people.
SEX: That’s all good, but Love don’t curl your toes up, brother! (Laughs)
LOVE: You may as well give up. Sex is not very smart these days.
GARY: Well, were out of time. But I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope to see you two back together. Things were better when you had to have both, you know.
LOVE: I never say never.
SEX: Neither do I.
GARY: Take care and try to love each other.