a thousand words

Sunday, July 11, 2010



A Coalition Of History's Great Bloodsuckers Say The Trend In Vampire Sexploitation Is Killing Their Livelihoods

TRANSYLVANIA - The Count is pissed. From a Castle in the Carpathian Mountains of Eastern Europe, Dracula, Blacula and a host of others held a press conference to denounce the worldwide trend in human beings having sex with Vampires.

Their new organization called Vampires Against Sexual Exploitation (VASE) is dedicated to ending what one vampire calls "V-Pimpin'."

Twilight, True Blood and a host of other films books and TV shows are making money on presenting vampires as sex symbols. It is a global phenomenon and experts say it's become a $30 billion business.

"The idea that supernatural creatures would engage in carnal activities is insulting, demeaning and really gross," said Dracula who is the Vice President of VASE. "These new so-called vampires have a ridiculous lifestyle. They walk around in daylight, touch crucifixes and eat garlic. That's crap. I sleep in a coffin on maggot-infested soil, okay, that's how I'm rollin.'"

"I'm pissed off!" says Blacula, VASE President, who was famously portrayed in a 1973 classic. "Not only do Vampires not have sex, if we did, you know the brothers would be getting theirs. All I see is white vamps gettin' busy. That's some Hollywood bullshit. "And, don't they know we dead? Ain't that what they call negrophilia?" (He meant necrophilia but his point is well taken)

Rennita Freeman, an African American fan of the genre disagreed. "Wouldn't no self-respecting sister get with a vampire. They sleep all day, don't have no job and they ain't down with Jesus... come to think of it, I guess I have been with a vampire or two."

They're screwing up the whole game," said German vampire Max Shreck who was immortalized in the classics Nosferatu and Shadow Of The Vampire. "Vampires are not people, we're closer to animals and we're fierce and terrible. I swooped down on a woman last week and she wanted to see my package. It was very disconcerting."

"It's a well-known fact that vampires don't have working sex organs. After death, there is no sexual function, only the desire for blood," says Shrek.

"And we ain't gay!" says Blacula. "That's really a lie. You never saw me and Drac lusting after men back in the day. Okay, I know we wore capes and shit and the occasional puffy shirt but that don't mean I'm a sissy."

Sociology Professor Thomas Dean Chapman from Princeton says the current trend in vampire sex is a result of the feminization of the modern man. "Women want men who are at once soft and sweet but also strong, dangerous and sexually adventurous. You know, like Prince."

Catholic Priest Bishop Michael Richardson says it is a very disturbing trend. "It's very close to bestiality to the church." These are not men but animals. There are some books that have women having sex with werewolves. I know the church has a bad name but your dogs are safe with us."

Dracula has a different take. "Women are just freaky now," he says. "So consider this: I am dead, a cursed abomination of God, I want to drink your blood and maybe kill you and all you can think about is you want to do the nasty with me? Man, that's textbook freaky. And where will it end? What's next? Alien centerfold? Michael Meyers in a thong? It's disgusting."

Frankenstein's monster attended the conference and also chimed in. "I know I'm a monster and all," said the creature whose real name is Melvin. 'But I'm an actual man with actual man parts. That's right, the doctor made me anatomically correct and if I might say, he was very generous. But I never get a woman in movies. They even made Bride Of Frankenstein and couldn't hook a monster up!"

With movies breaking boxoffice records, five TV shows about vampires, millions of books, it doesn't seem like America's fascination with vampire sex is likely to end soon. But one things for sure, the vampires of VASE think it sucks and not in the good way.

Copyright 2010