NEW ORLEANS - The Superior Court of New Orleans convicted eco-polluter British Petroleum (of murdering 11 workers in the worse ecological disaster in the history of man.
Lawyers for BP were stunned when they failed to dismiss the suit and the judge cited Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission noting that the Supreme Court has allowed First Amendment rights to companies.
Judge Thomas Riddeaux read the ruling to a packed courtroom stating: "If a company has rights under the Constitution then it is not immune from the law. Therefore, this lying scumbag company is going to die."
Riddeaux ruled the BP was guilty of 11 counts of murder, 11,350 counts of felony endangerment and 10,457,987 counts of assault.
Under the order, BP is to be taken over by American Marshals who will incarcerate all of the executives, flog them, then force all of them to watch the finale of Lost with no explanation. The company will then be cut up and sold. All funds in the treasury will go to clean up the spill, help the fishing industry and in a strange decision, the judge set aside $10,000 to buy singer Beyonce a treadmill, mumbling something about her ass and zip codes.
Congress was elated with the news and quickly submitted the names of Google and Yahoo which took BP money to manipulate public opinion and Halibutron which one Senator called, the Ted Bundy of corporations.
Other shitty companies panicked and quickly tried to become good corporate citizens. Toyota has started a food-bank for inner cities, McDonalds has hired smarter people for the dirve-thru that speak English and American Airlines will now pay you $5 if you carry luggage.
"I love it!" said Jerrold Days, 55, a New Orleans fisherman. "We've been devastated down here. It's like someone is trying to wipe us out."
Many other express gratitude to the court noting that companies are not really people, just edifices which hides evil, greedy men.
"America is great," said Days who confessed that he didn't understand the Beyonce money until he saw the picture of her. "Man, the sisters needs to lay off the gumbo."