a thousand words

Friday, July 16, 2010

PRICE OF ASS SKYROCKETS AFTER TIGER WOODS' WIFE GETS $750 MILLION SETTLEMENT

Historic Divorce Settlement Sends Shockwaves Throughout The
World Booty Market.


WALL STREET - Ellin Woods' divorce from disgraced golfer Tiger Woods has tongues wagging all over the world. The jaw-dropping price-tag of $750 million has set a new record for celebrity divorces.

But it has also had an effect on the economy of sex. It seems hookers all over the world think that the Woods payout now entitles them to charge more for their services. And generally, all women believe the value of their sex organs has gone up.

"It just makes sense," says Etizia Brown a Vegas hooker whose professional name is Lickety Split. "Girlfriend got mega paid for boning a few years. I been flat-backing for a decade and it's time for a raise. Shit, I bet that Becky can't even s**k a decent d**k."

This was the prevailing view from working girls all over the globe. A Time/CNN poll showed that 95% of hookers think they are now underpaid. Hookers have raised their prices from Hong Kong to London. Correspondingly, porn stars are asking for more money as are the female anchors on Fox News.

At $750 million dollars with the average number of times a young couple has sex in a year (115) times five years, Tiger has paid about $7 million a pop.
PHD

"Dat's some serious cheese!" says Lorden Mastah, a Las Vegas Pimp and two time Player Of The Year. "Folks need to recognize the price is gone up and it's time to get paid!" The enterprising pimp is selling what he calls vagina futures. "Shoot the S&P 500 is gonna stand for "Serious Punany! Ha ha!"

"This is outrageous!" said actor and hooker maven Charlie Sheen. "Seven million for sex?! What has she got in that thing, a beachfront property and moon rocks? Hell, I'm gonna need a pay raise."

Wall Street Bankers were quick to get in on the act trying to monetize sex and make derivatives out of a woman sexual potential. They gave up the quest when they realized that everyone in American was already fucked.

Political activist and progressive Daniel Rennard of Cal Berkeley said the whole thing is crazy. "The criminalization of prostitution has always been about the oppression of women. As soon as men realized that sex was a vital need and women had the answer to it, we sought to make sex dirty, bad and illegal if you sold it. Prostitution should be legal and a woman should be able to sell (or rent) her body without societal blowback."
Cheaper To Keep Her

"If all women had this notion, we could take over the world in a day," says noted female advocate Gloria Stamp. "Men keep running this game on women. No one can cure breast and cervical cancer and other female problems but somehow we invented 37 pills to get a erection. If men had vaginas, not only would prostitution be legal, men would be bent over next to ATM's with credit card sliders strapped to their backs."

Rennard also suggested a new name for selling sex. "prostitute" has a negative connotation. Rennard suggests Professional Sex Provider (PSP) or Professor of Hedonist Desire (PHD)

Legal experts say Woods' big payout was primarily for Ellin's silence as Tiger tries to rebuild his empire.

No one knows for sure, but for the time being however, this is one economy that is not having a recession.


copyright 2010