a thousand words

Thursday, September 23, 2010


With The World On Pins And Needles, A Minister And A Muslin Decide Shitty Music Is Worse Than Eternal Damnation.

Iran - After a tense week, controversial Florida Minister Rev. Terry Jones and Muslim leaders agree that no one will burn the Holy Koran on September 11th. Instead, Jones and Muslim leaders agree to an international day to "rid the world of fake-ass non-signing autotune singers" who have no talent and suck the life out of music.

Autotune is a device that allows people with no talent to sing on key. It also masks people with bad voices and no sense of rhythm. It has been called the musical equivalent of steroids. American music was a product of American freedom drawing musical styles from all over the world and giving birth to jazz, blues, country and rock. But now our desire to worship imagery and not talent is threatening the very future of music.

So as religious tension looms, leaders from all around the world came to the brink of violence only to realize that what's really ailing the world is shitty ass singers.

"These people are musical infidels," says Iranian President President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. "I especially hate that Justin Bieber. Someone should smack him very hard."

"What I don't understand is why people who can actually sing, like Usher, use the damned thing," said Big Willie Thornton, 75, legendary blues singer. "Hell, that's like painting you Bently yellow."

Rev. Jones

"The peace accord happened completely by accident when Reverend Jones stumbles upon a live performance by singer Katy Perry who often uses auto tune. "First she was singing about kissing a girl and liking it," said Reverend Jones and then the autotune went out and it was like some one was pissing hot fire in my ears. The only thing worse than a lesbian is one that can't sing!"

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he wants to sanction the use of the device. "You sing with autotune and we cut out your vocal cords. We are big on cutting off body parts in Iran. Of course, this would only be for the women," he quickly added.

President Obama lauded the peace accord. Then he quickly condemned autotune but defended people's right to use it in the same sentence, rendering his statement meaningless.

The Republicans moved to make the company that manufactures autotune immune from any adverse laws then realized that they are made in China.

Everyone is breathing a sigh of relief over what could have been a nasty confrontation but a lot of pop singers will be upset when they see their music go up in flames.

"Good riddance!" says Pastor Jones. "And next, we're gonna see what we can do about those asses from "The Jersey Shore."

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