a thousand words

Monday, January 31, 2011


The Bodacious Bird Calls Out The Media For Saying That There Are No Blacks Nominated.

HOLLYWOOD -Feathers are flying today after the Oscar Nominations. The Black Swan garnered 5 Oscar nominations including best picture and yet Hollywood is abuzz with articles saying that 2011 is an Oscar Whitewash. After several years of Oscar love, which started to reflect the diversity of the country, there seems to have been a reversal of fortune and the Oscars are lily white again.

Many Hollywood insiders including Patrick Goldstein of the LA Times have openly criticized the business' hiring practices for the continual snubs and snail's pace velocity of change.

Well, the most upset person now is the actual Black Swan. He is pissed about this and wants to set the record straight. Many thought the Black Swan was a metaphor for unbridled expression and passion but apparently it's a big black bird that lives in Inglewood. In a candid one on one, the Swan talks about Hollywood, racism and what he calls, "birdism."

GH: Congratulations on the nominations. So, do you like to be called Black Swan? Black? Swannie?

BS: You can call me Swan, everybody does.

GH: Okay, so did you want to make a statement to start?

BS: Yeah, the media is full of idiots. Can't they see I got 5 nominations and yet they're saying no black got anything. What am I chopped liver?

GH: i think they might be confused because you're a bird and not, you know a human being.

BS: See, that's what I'm talking about. That's ri-goddamned diculous. They didn't say no black human beings were nominated, they said no blacks. I'm black look at me, I'm black as Wesley Snipes covered with Don Cheadle sauce.

GH: So, you think that should count?

BS: Hell yeah. All you see are the white swans in life. "Oh they're so beautiful. So graceful. Ugly ducklings turn into Swans." It's bullshit. They treat me like crap. Never on a poster, never on TV and I'm always getting pulled over on the lake. Sound familiar? Shit, I'm blacker than the President.

GH: But black people don't quite see it that way.

BS: Black people need to STFU and make some decent movies. How you gonna cry about this, when you make crap movies and don't go to see the good ones? How many black people saw Talk To Me or The Secret Life Of Bees?

GH: Not many.

BS: Yeah, but how many bought a ticket to those other black films, you know, the ones where somebody beats up a woman then dances for no damned reason? I'm just saying, you can't count on other people to present your image with respect if you have no respect for yourself. Shit, I'm a dumb animal and I know that.

GH: So what's next for you?

BS: I'm very busy. I'm gonna be in Madea's Happy Family, Skank Robbers and Big Momma's House 3.

GH: But don't all those movies feature-- forget it.

BS: Look, I gotta work, man. They're making movies about owls and eagles and shit. No one even thought black swans were real. Hell, it's hard out here for a fowl.

GH: But aren't you a little ashamed to be in those movies?

BS: No. It's work. Besides, I got balance. I'm gonna be in the remake of The Birds. I play the sidekick who dies in the second act.

GH: Do you have any advice for Hollywood about this situation?

BS: Yeah. Hire more birds. Not one bird can greenlight a film, not one bird can get a project through and even though they say bird movies don't make money overseas, they make money here.

GH: Any final thoughts?

BS: Yes. I have a dream. One day birds of all feathers will be able to fly in equality. One day, we will not be judged by the color of our plumage. How long will we be held back by the small-mindedness of bias and ignorance? I'm just a bird and I put on my pants one drumstick at a time like you and I want to be afforded the same respect as those who can't float on water.

GH: Well, congrats again and we'll look forward to seeing you. And good luck on Oscar night.

BS: Thanks. I have a feeling I'm gonna win.

Copyright 2011