The CDC confirmed that the ebola virus has been detected in a patient in Texas in the good old USA. I wanted to sit down with the virus and talk. I was a little nervous of course, so I wore a full HAZMAT suit.
ME: Hello, excuse me if I don't shake hands.
EBOLA: Oh that's so funny. Never heard that one.
EBOLA: It's okay. It ain't easy being me.
ME: So, why come here to America after all this time?
EBOLA: First, let me tell people who I am. I am the sole member of the Zaire ebolavirus species, and the most dangerous of the five known viruses within the genus Ebolavirus. In other words, I’m a bad mothervirus. The Grim Reaper saw me and ran. I am in America because I'm tired of killing Africans. A lot of them are already half dead and shit. Where's the challenge in that? I wanna kill me some fat, healthy, Americans.
ME: Why Texas?
EBOLA: I hate Texas.
ME: I feel you on that. But we have a cure for you now.
EBOLA: Do you? Or do rich white people have a cure? Come on man, as soon as a white man gets it, they have a cure? I ain't worried about that.
ME: So, what's your plan?
EBOLA: The usual. I'm gonna infect a few people and while they chase them, they will soon realize that I had a sub-infection going months ago. I spread exponentially, you know and by the time they focus on this one guy, I will have infected two, four, sixteen and so on...
ME: I'm getting scared just thinking about it.
EBOLA: Yeah and that suit doesn't really protect you by the way.
EBOLA: I'm just fucking with you.
ME: That's wrong, man.
EBOLA: I'm a virus, nigga. What you expect?
ME: What's next for you?
EBOLA: To fight "virus-ism." People see a virus and automatically want to kill it. I feel like a black man in a Walmart wearing a hoodie and playing his music too loud. And it's wrong. There are a lot of human beings who behave just like a virus and people don't kill them.
ME: Like who?
EBOLA: L'il Wayne. He LOOKS like a virus or at lease like he's got one. Then there's Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, most of Congress and that bitch in Target checkout line who knows her credit card is overdrawn.
ME: Well, that's all the time we have. I can't wish you good luck but I hope I never see you again.
EBOLA: Yo, if they don’t stop this shit in Texas, you will be seeing a lot of my ass. Believe that.