PRESIDENT SIGNS AFRICAN AMERICAN RETRIBUTION LAW

EXECUTIVE ORDER ALLOWS BLACKS
TO HARASS WHITES IN AMERICA.

WASHINGTON D.C. - After the scandal involving noted black scholar Henry Louis Gates, President Obama signed Executive Order 454 that allows all African Americans the unfettered power to harass and assault whites in America. It is being called The African American Retribution Law.

White congressmen were outraged, calling the order offensive and a slap in the face of democracy. “This is ridiculous!” said ultra conservative Senator Sam Brownback, (R) Kansas. “Even though these orders are largely symbolic, it still has the force of law. It’s open season on whites.”

Rush Limbaugh called the order “typical,” and further stated of the Gates affair that “Just because a black man is in his own house, doesn’t mean he’s not stealing from it.” Limbaugh was still commenting when he was savagely beaten by a janitor and Republican Party Chairman, Michael Steele.

Black politicians see the order differently. “He’s just leveling the playing field,” said Gov. Deval Patrick (D) Massachusetts and long time Obama supporter. “This order is the kind of thing Malcolm X would have done. It’s a threat bound by humanity.”

Mayor Corey Booker (D) of Newark New Jersey said he would not take advantage of the order but noted that no white person would know that and would be respectful.

Other blacks are not quite so philosophical. “I’m fucking up every white person I see,” said
Detroit native LaSarius Green Jr. “I’m filled with self-righteous pigmentation.” Green probably meant “indignation” but his point is well taken.

Many white citizens are alarmed but most see the order as symbolic of the history of our nation. “There was a time when this was the unofficial law of America agaist all black people,” said Bill Maher popular talkshow host of Real Time with Bill Maher. “No one has attacked me and I think the only whites that have to worry are the assholes, and you know, the Republicans.”

The law has certainly impacted the daily lives of many. Former Vice President Dick Cheney fired all the blacks from his security detail only to be bitch slapped by a washroom attendant in his private club who was later described as “extremely light-skinned.” Fox News host Bill O'Reilly has been missing for three days and in the grocery store, Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima kicked the shit out of that guy on the Quaker Oats box.

Ironically, the call for tolerance has come from Henry Louis Gates himself. “We must not let our anger, no matter how justified, define us as a people,” said Gates. “We can be better than the oppressor of the past and the intolerant of today.”

“I feel that,” said LaSarius Green Jr. “But that don’t change my agenda. I’m on a tour.” When asked what kind of tour, Green said: “Me and my crew are on our way to Wall Street to kick ass and eat chitlins—and we all out of chitlins.”

REPUBLICANS PROPOSE BILL TO OUTLAW THE SUN

 

OBAMA GET TAN, SO
GOP PASSES BILL TO OUTLAW THE SUN.

WASHINGTON D.C. – The 2012 election devastated the Republican Party.  Worse for the GOP, is that the new President was African American, a fact which has angered Republicans to no end.

Since Obama has taken office, Republicans have opposed everything he has advocated, without logic, reason or intelligence. From Health Care to the Supreme Court, if Obama wants it, the Republicans do not.

But the opposition may have gone to the level of the absurd. After the President stated that he often enjoyed sunning himself on vacation, Republicans have moved to ban the sun.

The bill, #SB 5735 was proposed by a consortium of Republican Senators from the south. It calls for the U.S. to outlaw all forms of sunshine and make any enjoyment of it a felony.

“We’ve been addicted to sunshine too long,” said former governor Sarah Palin. “What America needs and what God wants is an end to this evil star.”

When told that the sun provided warmth and basically sustained life on the planet, Palin was quick to point out that she has a five point plan to drill for oil, run a sub-space pipeline to the moon and set it on fire, effectively making a new sun.

“These people are bat-shit crazy,” said retired President Bill Clinton who just rescued two prisoners from North Korea. “I know the GOP is down, but this is lunacy. Can you hate a man so much because he’s black that you would propose something so preposterous?”

MIT Physics professor Robert K. Roth stated that even if we could stop the sun that the effect would be cataclysmic and the universe as we know it would end. GOP chairman Michael Steele said the statement was alarmist then asked if Roth was a Jewish name.

NAACP President Ben Jealous says that this is really a weird indication that racism is ending in America. “They are desperate. They can’t apply any stereotype to the President and all attempts to undermine him using old imagery and fear have failed. So now they just disagree with everything he says hoping to get some traction. It’s like the guy who loses at golf then breaks his club. The game is over.”

Perennial Republican loser Newt Gingrich disagrees. “Republican capacity for bias and fear is endless. As long as there is breath in our bodies, we will hate someone.”

The Senate Bill faces tough opposition especially from Floridians who don’t want to change their state’s name to the “Flaming Moon State.”

A GOOD SCARE

WHAT SCARES US SAYS A LOT ABOUT WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE BELIEVE IN.

It's that time of year again when we contemplate all things scary. I know, nothing is scarier than politics, but I want to talk about our society, culture and what frightens us as human beings.

When I was a kid, we were scared of Dracula, Frankenstein's monster and the Wolfman. Now in the movies, people have sex with vampires and werewolves and The Mummy is an action comedy.

Why don’t monsters scare us anymore?

People need to be afraid. It’s basic human psychology. We face our fears, then defeat them. Good versus Evil.

But look at what scares us now: Jason, Freddie, Michael Meyers—all human. It, Meagan, Saw, Hostel, Paranormal Activity, Zombies—all human. And those people dressing as creepy clowns all over the U.S. are just deeply disturbed men.

I guess the scariest thing in human life now are other humans.

I have a theory about this. See, old school monsters were really about God. You remember him, The Almighty, Heavenly Father and what not. Well, all of the old scary stuff was about God and those who dared oppose Him.

Dracula was a man who renounced God and was cursed. The Wolfman was cursed as well and The Mummy defied death only to return to life, you guessed it, cursed. Frankenstein’s monster was an abomination as a man tried to emulate God. And what hurt them? Crucifixes, Holy Water, silver (purity) and fire (holy purification). In the end, good triumphed, always.

Now, we are afraid of our next door neighbor, Wall Street Bankers and idiots on Youtube who rant about getting rid of society's dead weight. And what's scarier than Kanye West or Brittany Spears' mental breakdowns?

Does this mean that we’ve lost faith, people?

Before you poo-poo me, let me dazzle you with more nerdy horror facts. Dracula moved to London for love of his lost wife, Frankenstein’s monster only wanted a mate, (hence the sequel, Bride Of Frankenstein) The Wolfman killed impulsively but could not kill the woman he loved and yes, The Mummy came to life for his queen. The evil monsters sought to be God-like by possessing God’s greatest gift, love. In the end, this led them to their demise.

Today’s monster lives down the street, hacks up bad actresses in the shower then comes back for the bad sequel.

So here's the deep part: in the past, our fear was losing our soul, now it's losing our life. If we treasure earthly life more than our immortal soul, then truly we have lost our faith in whatever God we believe in.

I guess what's really scary is this blog, huh?

I still believe that good beats evil in life and death. Keep your mindless slasher. Give me an old-fashioned vampire—with his clothes on.

Copyright 2016

THE UNITED STATES OF INCORPORATED

FASCISM - pronounced /ˈfæʃɪzəm/, is a political ideology that seeks to combine radical and authoritarian nationalism with a corporatist economic system.

The Supreme Court in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission. decided that corporations are no longer prohibited from using their money to favor a political candidate and influence elections more than they already do.

Could this be a reaction to the fact that conservatives lost the last election and now want to use corporate money to blow out the opposition who tend to ask individuals for donations?

This decision is evil, dishonest and the boldest step toward fascism this country has taken in a century.

But on the bright side: just think of the funny ads!

It’s a little known fact that the Supreme Court does not have to be nine justices. Nine just somehow became the acceptable number. But the country has grown and so I think we should add another two justices while the adults are still in control.

How about we add Bill Clinton (Yes a former President can do this see, Taft William Howard) and Al Gore? Or Sean Penn and George Clooney (You don’t have to be a lawyer to be on the court either)

Okay maybe not the actors but how about one of the many liberal and centrist judges out there who’ve been waiting for one of these bastards to die.

I don’t know what’s going to get us mad enough to start a peaceful revolution in this country. No one seems to want to believe that sinister forces are at work in our times or that they mean to steal our liberty and our freedom. Maybe we have to wait until movies cost $20 and there are only nine flavors instead of 31 to get it.

Corporations are not people, they are intellectual properties which are controlled by a few select people and those people should not wield more power than you or me just because of this bullshit legal fiction.

We can’t trust a company board to have our best interest at heart. Their only job and loyalty is to the shareholders. Companies don’t die in wars and they can’t pledge allegiance. They have no God and no moral center. And yet we seek to empower them.

Isn’t it enough that we have to suffer company names on our sports stadiums and college bowl games? I mean really, the “Tostitos Fiesta Bowl!! Just shoot me.

Why not sell everything American? How about Walmart’s President’s Day or Martin Luther King Day brought to you by KFC? Nike's Mt. Rushmore and General Foods' Grand Canyon. And Bank Of America wouldn't have to change its name at all.

We could sell our votes for real and even haggle outside the voting booth for better prices. Our country could become the ultimate capitalist nation, one where freedom, justice and liberty all have a price. Think of it. If you're rich and famous, you can live above the law and even buy your way out of murder.



Wait a minute! It's already like that, isn't it?

Anyway, this court decision is one of the worst in decades and this court one of the dumbest in history. Those robes and the stoic expression don't fool me. You guys are as dumb as those dudes from Jackass. Political Ideology and agenda has taken precedence over judicial intellect and integrity and has turned the third branch into a joke.

We can only hope that our beloved Congress will do something about this.

As soon as they take the barcode off the side of the Capitol Building.

WHAT I TOLD MY DAUGHTER ABOUT MEN

Men talk at women a lot but it is harder to talk to them. Maybe we should start earlier and with the ones we really care about.

All the crap people were saying a generation ago is being said again only now the empirical data proves the problem is worse. Seventy percent of black women single? Even I was floored by that one. Seventy-five percent of babies born out of wedlock?

I don’t have a daughter and you know what, thank God I don’t. I would never sleep. But I’ve often thought what I would say to her about men, dating, sex and the like in this day and age. So here it is.

By the way, her name is SOMIE. She’s 14.

GARY: So this is it. The big talk.

SOMIE: Daddy, I already know all about sex.

GARY: What?! Who do I have to kill for that?

SOMIE: Mom.

GARY: Right. Okay, I wanted to talk about love, men and relationships, did Mom cover that?

SOMIE: No she just sang Stevie Wonder songs when I asked a question.

GARY: Nice move. Anyway first, I want you to know that we don’t care if you date outside your race, in fact, I insist upon it.

SOMIE: Why?

GARY: Because I want you to be a woman of this world not just of a particular race. There are enough people out there who’ll try to limit you. No need for you to do it to yourself. Pretty soon, we’re all going to be the same color anyway and we will replace color with some other meaningless and superficial trait. So, as long as you’re happy, we don’t care. But no Hungarians-- just kidding.

SOMIE: Okay, I guess I can do that. I mean, the white boys are always checking me out.

GARY: What the fu--?!

SOMIE: Dad....

GARY: Sorry. Anyway, I have some practical stuff to tell you. Like, start looking for a mate early. Don’t think you have your 20’s to party down or just pursue your career. You don’t. You can multi-task this. See, men and women age differently. Young men are green, young women are ripe. No matter what you’ve read or heard on TV, no matter what the feminists say, a woman’s youth, fertility and beauty are valued when they are at their height. And no matter what politically correct crap guys tell you, one thing is a proven fact: Men see better than they think. Also, you can’t control when that special person might come, so keep your mind open.

SOMIE: Wow, that’s deep.

GARY: I try. Next point; don’t be ridiculous about what you want in a man.

SOMIE: Ridiculous?

GARY: Like you want him to be tall, handsome, rich and perfect.

SOMIE: But shouldn’t I want a man like you?

GARY: You’re the best fictional daughter ever! But no. When your mom met me, I was the complete opposite of all of that.

SOMIE: Wow and she still married you?

GARY: Don’t get off topic. I’m just saying that if you have an ideal man, he should not be patterned on earthly criteria.

SOMIE: Oh no, here it comes.

GARY: Try to look past what we have here in this life and make your choices from that part of you connected to higher ideals. A relationship, a marriage, a friendship is not a person; it’s a connection to things greater than ourselves. And only by those connections can we ever hope to ride the chariot of our faith.

SOMIE: Chariot, Dad?

GARY: Sounded better than Bentley of our faith.

SOMIE: Anything else?

GARY: Yes. Women are beautiful. This is a big part of why men want them. But even if a man looks at you as a commodity you shouldn’t buy into it. It will make you arrogant about your power over them and you’ll be tempted to play that power and indulge in the party that goes along with it. And before you can say “single at forty,” you are!

SOMIE: You sound upset. You want some soup?

GARY: I don’t want soup. I want you to be happy. This is difficult stuff and Lord knows I've probably already made a hundred mistakes. I just think being a woman is like lugging around a big hunk of gold. It's pretty and valuable but it's heavy as hell. So can you think about some of this, for me?

SOMIE: Okay, Dad. I will. I promise.

GARY: That’s all I ask. Okay, I gotta go.

SOMIE: Really? This is nice.

GARY: I know but I’ve made my point.

Copyright 2011

INTERVIEW WITH TIGER'S WOOD

TIGER WOOD'S DICK SAYS THE GOLFER CAN DO WHAT HE WANTS BUT "I'MA BE ME!"

by Ronnie Dyson - Super Freak Reporter

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FLA - While Tiger Woods issued a tearful mea culpa to select reporters at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse, announcing his return to golf, in the adjacent facility, his Manly Member was holding its own press conference.

Tiger's penis who prefers to be called "TWD" said he wanted the press and fans to know his side of the story. He didn't have a prepared statement and he allowed questions. Here is the chief section of the event:

TWD: First off, where the white women at?! (laughs) Just kidding. Let me say that I ain't sorry for nothing. I did what I was made to do. I hit all them bitches and I'd do it again, ya heard?

RD: But aren't you sorry for what you did to your family?

TWD: Hell no. They all gettin' cooled out. All this unemployment and economic strife and I'm not just bringing home the bacon, I got a truckload of hogs. I love my family but when daddy needs his, everybody gotta get with the program.

RD: So the marriage vows mean nothing to you?

TWD: You know men don't mean that shit! We say it because we have to. It should really be "love honor and don't let them hos text you at home."

RD: I'm appalled by that.

TWD: And I'm Tiger Woods' Dick, nigga. The Raging Cablasian. Ten under par and a billion over yo broke ass! I'm a ball-driving, club-swinging, money machine. I got the riches, so grease up the bitches!

RD: So you seem to think that money justifies everything.

TWD: I don't think it. I know it. This is America and that's all we care about. Tiger will win a couple of tournaments, go to the church of broken men, Oprah. Cry like a girl and then all will be forgiven. And once the money's rolling, so am I. Hide your daughters, your girlfriends and yo crippled mama!

RD: But how are you gonna live with your wife now that your infidelities have been exposed?

TWD: Me? I'ma be me. Tiger that fool is on his knees, begging, pleading going to sex rehab. I got two rules in my house. 1: Shut up, bitch. And 2: Bitch, shut the fuck up! Tiger ain't the man. Ironically, he's a pussy.

RD: You mean because she beat him up?

TWD: Could you believe that shit, man? Got his ass whupped! But did she kick him in the balls? Hit the balls? Did she come anywhere near my shit? Thank you. That bitch is Swedish, not stupid.

RD: What about the sex rehab?

TWD: I'm glad you asked that. Ain't no such thing as sex addiction. That's some shit made up by doctors and women who can't take care of their man. How you gon' be addicted to sex? That's like being addicted to air! It's bullshit, a fallacy, like health care with no public option.

RD: But why would you and Tiger have sex with so many women and at such a great risk?

TWD: Let's see... I'm young rich and famous. I could have sex with just one woman until I die. Naw, I think I'll take door number two with the unlimited ass, Chuck. Come on man, get real. Ain't a man out there who wouldn't do what I did if he had the chance. And anyone that says different is a liar-- or gay-- or in the Tea Party.

RD: Any closing remarks?

TWD: Just that I wouldn't believe anything Tiger says in his press conference. He would do anything to be famous and loved again. Me, all I need is a condom, a little blood and a moment of weakness. See you on the green, baby.

10 is the new 70 - 1970 that is

All Of The Recent Fear, Anger, Militancy 
and Action Remind Me Of Days Gone By

Why are all the white people so mad?

Why are the black folks so mad?

What's with all the spitting, name-calling and teeth gnashing? Seriously, people are buying guns, talking about secession, twelve governors are suing to stop the Federal Health Care Bill because they think Congress got it wrong and a group of black militants want to take it to The Man, okay he's a Black Man but it's still fist-raising stuff.

As you all know I haven't been black since last fall. And I am ashamed of what my white brothers are doing.

You see, I think we're afraid.

The Black President actually did something and some of us have no faith in it because in our hearts we don't think black people are as good as we are. Moreover, if they are, then some of us have to deal with a life that once promised us superiority by birthright and now wants us to wallow in the choppy waters of equality.

We have a Black President, some chick is Speaker Of The House and gay people want to get married.

Just when I turn white, it's not worth anything.

How will the world work if I have no skin advantage? Sure, I say we're all equal but that was just nice politically-correct talk. No way black people are as good as me. We win all the wars in movies and we even kill blue people, take their women and become chief of the tribe.

How can Obama do anything right when he's connected to the people who always die in the second act?

Okay maybe I'm panicking. Obama is half white and maybe this health care business came from the white half. He should designate which part of his ethnicity is doing this shit. It would make us feel better and lower a lot of people's blood pressure.

Obama's not really all that black, you know. But we may have to do the Sammy Sosa on that wife of his.

Also, the black people are mad. They all got together and criticized Obama in Chicago. They had Tavis Smiley, who kept talking about love even as he criticized Obama.

Cornel West: I never understand anything he says but everyone says he's brilliant. I think he's a few bones shy of a slab and I keep expecting him to pull out a hat and ask me for a dollar.

Farrakhan, who is an electrifying speaker like I've never seen. But unlike Obama he definitely scares white people.

They even rolled out Jesse Jackson and he didn't rhyme not even once. He's got some new guy named Michael Eric Dyson to do it for him. I don't know this man but when you have three names like that, it sounds like it should be preceded by "the suspect."

You know, this is just like the 70's. Racism out in the open, illegal wars, civil unrest, black folk talking militancy.

Shit, all I need is an Afro, a pick with a fist on it and Pam Grier in a halter top and I'll be able to wear my bell bottoms again.

Copyright 2010