a thousand words

Thursday, August 6, 2009


He’s gone.

And it hurts, I know

But all in our society have to accept our part in the death of this iconic man.

Who killed Michael?

Greedy, inept doctors? A savage media that will put it’s own children on blast for a dollar? A family shrouded by secrets that seems to be inordinately dysfunctional? Evil lying opportunists like Evan Chandler who now admits he lied about Michael molesting him and paying $22 million for him to go away?

The truth is, Michael Jackson has died many times and there are many killers.

The first time he died he was just a kid and someone, not caring about him allowed his innocence to be stolen and his self-esteem to be irreparably damaged.

The murderer has been speculated about for years and no culprit has ever been uncovered.

The second death occurred as a young man as he struggled to create a second act as a performer. Michael sought a new sound and look then slowly destroyed the person he used to be literally and figuratively.

This killer seems to be Michael himself but upon closer inspection it was us again, a society that worships a beauty standard that he could never be a part of and allows anything to be purchased with money, even white skin and silky hair.

The little dark boy we loved was burned away and the tall thin, pale god that Michael saw in
himself, protector of children, champion of the oppressed, the man he wanted to save him as a child, emerged and he was an international star.

And then Michael was killed again, this time by unscrupulous associates, a predatory media and scheming parents. Embroiled by scandal, Michael began using painkillers and anti-depressants on a daily basis as he ran from the media, so-called friends and even family. And we laughed at Eddie, Chris and Jay Leno as they made fun of him and his world. We indicted him, allowing the very accusations to serve as verdicts on his guilt.

But he wasn’t guilty. He was a kid struggling to be a man and a man struggling to stay a kid.

In the end, we all killed him, like the passengers on the train in Murder On The Orient Express, or the senators in ancient Rome, we all took our turn to plunge a dagger into the heart of the King.

So now he’s gone and whether you saw yourself as the little brown boy with the big Afro and the radiant smile or the gravity-defying dervish who claimed the world, surely part of us all died on Thursday, too.

And so I have imposed my punishment for my part in this crime. I am sentenced as follows:

-To only remember the music and not the scandal.
-To never enrich those who will try to exploit him in his death.
-To demand excellence from my entertainers and
-To ignore all those who attempt to do this to any celebrity again.

So help me God.


Gay marriage is wrong because all marriage is wrong.

No, I’m not making a married guy joke, although my closet space is like the Palestinian homeland— shrinking or nonexistent. No, I am talking about the issue and I think this is how it will all end:

Marriage is a religious ceremony; a covenant between two people and God (insert the God of your choice here) And If you think it’s only “between a man and a woman” that doesn’t change my analysis-- Mr. Trump.

Now, last time I checked, the Constitution does not allow the government to make any law “respecting the establishment of any religion.” For a long time now, we’ve looked the other way when it comes to marriage because lets face it, you need to believe in God to make that deal. God’s not married, you know, but he wants us all to do it. Easy for him to say. He can just make another wife and I bet Mrs. God doesn’t have mood swings or hog the covers or....

Where was I?

Oh yeah, the law. Now, since marriage is a religious covenant, the government cannot make laws supporting it or against it for that matter. And they damned sure should not be requiring fees for it. We are protected in our religious freedom. The fact that we’ve been screwing it up for so long means nothing and all this “tradition” stuff is bullshit. You can’t have a tradition of doing something unconstitutional that undermines the rights of others. The last traditions like that fell in the 1960’s, remember?

So the government, state and federal will be out of the marriage business. No laws, no tax, no fees, none of that. Instead, it can acknowledge what it always has: civil unions. Most people would be surprised to find that they are married well before the ceremony. Once you sign the paper, you’re hitched in the eyes of the law. That fancy church thing and expensive party where your uncle makes an ass out of himself is all for show. Considering the divorce rate theses days, most people should just sign the license, kick each other in the groin then move back in with their parents.

Under the 14th Amendment everyone must be treated equally under the law. Thus, everyone can get a civil union, which triggers insurance and the like, sign the papers, then go to the church of their choice (insert church here) and swear the covenants not to do sexual stuff people are born to do until you die.

So the government would protect civil unions and guarantee all rights attendant thereto.

The church would protect marriage and forgive all the sins you’ll commit while married.

And never the twain shall meet.

Got it angry gay people looking for validation of your lifestyle from people who hate you?

Got it angry straight people holding on to hate and prejudice in our changing world?

Reasonable gay and straight people, I'm not talking to you because you already knew all of this.

Now I’m off to toss everything out of my closet that isn't brown or sports-related.



Deceased Presidents So Mad That They Renounce GOP From The Afterlife

Washington D.C. – Two more prominent Republicans jumped ship this week. The Beltway was shocked when Republican Arlen Spector switched to the Democratic Party last week. But the GOP is in panic mode over the news that former Presidents Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan have also called it quits.

Lincoln, the 16th President said that the party has grown bitter, bigoted and overly concerned with religion. “Our once proud party led the way to the most profound system of government the world has ever known,” said the man once called “Honest Abe.” “The Republican Party was once a beacon of freedom and an example for the rest of the world. Now, they’re just a bunch of assholes.” He also said Rush Limbaugh was a hemorrhoid filled with idiot pus.” Of Sarah Palin he said “I’d like to take her to a play with me, if you know what I mean.”

Reagan, the 40th President had even stronger words for his former colleagues. “What a bunch of dick-dumb, fuck-brained, shit-sacks! Our party is about small government and large freedoms, not this bullshit they tried to pull off.” When asked about George W. Bush Reagan said “You know it’s ironic. Bush was as dumb as oatmeal and his mother looked just like that guy on the oatmeal box.”

Republicans were quick to denounce both dead Presidents. Michael Steele, head of the Republican Party said that Reagan was a brain-addled loser and Lincoln was “overrated.”

Reagan responded by saying Steele had “girl hips” Lincoln quipped, “Maybe I shouldn’t have freed them all.” Then he passed Reagan what appeared to be a joint.

The Republicans have lost the White House, The House of Representatives and will soon face a super-majority in the Senate. It’s the lowest point for the GOP since The Great Depression. “It’s a shame,” said Lincoln, “We used to have it going on.”

Lincoln also said the Republicans could no longer use his name or likeness in their promotions. Therefore, the GOP can no longer be called "The Party Of Lincoln." Reagan suggested they be called "The Party Of Old, Greedy, Racist White Men Who Raped The Constitution And Gave Birth To The Misbegotten Baby Of Fascist Tyranny." Lincoln pointed out how hard that would be to put on a bumper sticker.

Some have suggested the Republicans change their mascot from an elephant to a snake. Reagan disagrees. “They should keep the elephant, they should just show its humongous ass, since that’s what’s doing all the thinking these days.”