a thousand words

Friday, July 16, 2010


Historic Divorce Settlement Sends Shockwaves Throughout The
World Booty Market.

WALL STREET - Ellin Woods' divorce from disgraced golfer Tiger Woods has tongues wagging all over the world. The jaw-dropping price-tag of $750 million has set a new record for celebrity divorces.

But it has also had an effect on the economy of sex. It seems hookers all over the world think that the Woods payout now entitles them to charge more for their services. And generally, all women believe the value of their sex organs has gone up.

"It just makes sense," says Etizia Brown a Vegas hooker whose professional name is Lickety Split. "Girlfriend got mega paid for boning a few years. I been flat-backing for a decade and it's time for a raise. Shit, I bet that Becky can't even s**k a decent d**k."

This was the prevailing view from working girls all over the globe. A Time/CNN poll showed that 95% of hookers think they are now underpaid. Hookers have raised their prices from Hong Kong to London. Correspondingly, porn stars are asking for more money as are the female anchors on Fox News.

At $750 million dollars with the average number of times a young couple has sex in a year (115) times five years, Tiger has paid about $7 million a pop.

"Dat's some serious cheese!" says Lorden Mastah, a Las Vegas Pimp and two time Player Of The Year. "Folks need to recognize the price is gone up and it's time to get paid!" The enterprising pimp is selling what he calls vagina futures. "Shoot the S&P 500 is gonna stand for "Serious Punany! Ha ha!"

"This is outrageous!" said actor and hooker maven Charlie Sheen. "Seven million for sex?! What has she got in that thing, a beachfront property and moon rocks? Hell, I'm gonna need a pay raise."

Wall Street Bankers were quick to get in on the act trying to monetize sex and make derivatives out of a woman sexual potential. They gave up the quest when they realized that everyone in American was already fucked.

Political activist and progressive Daniel Rennard of Cal Berkeley said the whole thing is crazy. "The criminalization of prostitution has always been about the oppression of women. As soon as men realized that sex was a vital need and women had the answer to it, we sought to make sex dirty, bad and illegal if you sold it. Prostitution should be legal and a woman should be able to sell (or rent) her body without societal blowback."
Cheaper To Keep Her

"If all women had this notion, we could take over the world in a day," says noted female advocate Gloria Stamp. "Men keep running this game on women. No one can cure breast and cervical cancer and other female problems but somehow we invented 37 pills to get a erection. If men had vaginas, not only would prostitution be legal, men would be bent over next to ATM's with credit card sliders strapped to their backs."

Rennard also suggested a new name for selling sex. "prostitute" has a negative connotation. Rennard suggests Professional Sex Provider (PSP) or Professor of Hedonist Desire (PHD)

Legal experts say Woods' big payout was primarily for Ellin's silence as Tiger tries to rebuild his empire.

No one knows for sure, but for the time being however, this is one economy that is not having a recession.

copyright 2010


After Hearing The Shocking Voicemail, A Band Of Shirtless Sex Crazed Brothers Target The Famous Actor

LOS ANGELES - Look out Braveheart, a gang of black men calling themselves P.O.N. (gotta stand for pack of niggers) have put out a hit on actor Mel Gibson.

As we all know, the actor left a voicemail insulting his girlfriend and babymama and said that if she got raped by a pack of niggers it would be her own fault.

P.O.N. who say they cannot control their natural animal sexual instincts, specialize in going buckwild on white girls but thought Gibson's comments were offensive.

"First of all," said P.O.N. leader Dr. Piston, "we ain't some fly by night rapist crew. We do it right and when a woman wants it, we deliver-- in spades."

"Mel done fucked up," said P.O.N. member Cyrus, "he said what he said like being in a band of sexually crazed black men is a bad thing. It's all a matter of perspective. One woman's gang bang is another woman's birthday present."

P.O.N. has vowed to catch Gibson then give him a dose of thug love.

"We ain't gay or nothing," said Dr. Piston, 'but we gonna ride him like a racehorse on Red Bull. Then we'll see what he has to say about the brothers."

Not all of the members of P.O.N. are so eager, though. P.O.N. member Rayshawn said he has doubts. "I really dig Mel's movies, ya know? I mean he was all Lethal Weapon Mad Max and shit but what he said really hurt me, so I guess in the end, I'd have to get all up in his man-gina but you know my heart won't be in it, you feel me?"

Our interview was then temporarily stopped when Rayshawn made a rude comment about Cyrus' mother in German and a scuffle broke out. Dr. Piston quickly quashed it.

Gibson's camp is not worried about the threat. PR sensation Polly Dans said "if we see them coming, we'll just toss a Popeye's Gift Card on the ground and watch them tear each other apart for it, or maybe we'll whip out a book and watch them burst into flames like vampires."

No matter what happens it's clear this story is not over yet.

Stay tuned.

copyright 2010

Sunday, July 11, 2010



MALIBU – After being arrested for DUI in Malibu three years ago, Passion of the Christ director Mel Gibson unleashed an angry anti-Semitic tirade against Jews. Hollywood has many prominent Jews in positions of power and the backlash has gutted Gibson’s film career.

Gibson has called in famous “Disaster” PR agent Polly Dans. Dans called an emergency meeting of the Mel Gibson brain trust to find a better target to deflect criticism of Gibson.

So Mel then went on to make racist comments to his girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva. According to Radar Online Gibson said: "You look like a Fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of niggers, it will be your fault."

“I’ve never liked the blacks,” said Gibson from an undisclosed rehab center. “I only drink so much because I’m constantly worried about some black spoogie robbing me and stealing my fancy car.”

Not stopping there, Gibson then blamed blacks for high gas prices, a sluggish economy and the poor performance of film, Knight and Day. When a critic told Gibson he had a lot of nerve, he responsed: "Yeah and they got a lot of unsold Father's Day Cards in Detroit."

The NAACP refused to comment calling Gibson’s statements an obvious smokescreen. Jesse Jackson and the Reverend Al Sharpton, however, each issued denouncing statements calling for a boycott of the famous actor. Sharpton said “Only some kind of cash payment will assuage my unforgivable anger.”

Executives in Hollywood seem slow to forgive but that has not deterred Team Gibson. “It’s a ridiculous,” said Dans, “Michael Vick got two years for hurting dogs. Chris Brown hurt Rhianna and got nothing.” When asked what this had to do with Gibson, Dans said. “Nothing, I’m just saying that blacks commit a lot of crimes and Mel is white.

It sounds silly but soon after Dans’s statement, several prominent executives were heard to say that Gibson was hot again and had never beaten a woman or killed a dog.

Gibson has several new projects including a remake of Roots with a twist ending where all the blacks remain slaves.

© 2010



At the grocery store the other day I saw three magazine covers featuring Michelle Obama.

It occurred to me that I've been seeing a lot of her lately. Then I realized that everyone has.

Very quietly one of the benefits of the presidency has been that this face is now the face of America.

This face is now a standard of beauty.

It stands for freedom and humanity.

This face represents strength and compassion and positive motherhood.

It fosters peace, fellowship and tolerance.

I have always known these things about faces like this.

And now the world knows it, too.


As The Icon Publishes Her Memoir, We Must Ask Ourselves Why Has There Not Been Another?

True Story: I met Pam Grier one day at the Century City mall. I saw her and ambled over to her section because you know, I have always loved ladies handbags. And there she was, Coffy, Friday Foster and then Jackie Brown. Well, she must have men of my generation looking at her with that puppy dog face all the time, because she stepped over, extended her hand and said: "Hi, I'm Pam." I shook her hand, mumbled something like "banana gas tank" and walked off.

This is what it means to be a movie star, people.

If by some chance you don't know who Pam Grier is, then stop reading now and go look her up because there isn't enough space on this page to explain. But you could say she is the Muhammad Ali of Black actresses.

Pam Grier left a filmography that has yet to be equaled by a modern actress of any color. Her roles were not only breakthroughs for blacks but for all women. Long before the action ladies of the 90's and the millennium there was Ms. Grier, packing heat, loaded with sexuality and occasionally, razorblades in her Afro.

More to the point, she was the first black sex symbol of the the post civil rights America. A woman of beauty, strength and conviction who stood for a generation of people of color and women. Pam Grier sacrificed nothing to sex appeal but toppled one stereotype after another and always with style.

We have many good actresses now but why do we not have another A-list actress like Pam, a person who can greenlight a film just by her presence? Well, there are many reasons for this and none I'll go into now because this note is to tell you all about her new book, Foxy: My Life In Three Acts. I'm so glad she wrote it and I just ordered my copy.

On her Facebook page, Pam wondered who would play her in a film. I couldn't think of anyone because Pam is still around, still talented and great looking and still one of a kind.


Since The Dumbass Supreme Court Now Says That Companies Are Like People, Louisiana Decides To Convict BP Of Murder And Execute It.

NEW ORLEANS - The Superior Court of New Orleans convicted eco-polluter British Petroleum (of murdering 11 workers in the worse ecological disaster in the history of man.

Lawyers for BP were stunned when they failed to dismiss the suit and the judge cited Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission noting that the Supreme Court has allowed First Amendment rights to companies.

Judge Thomas Riddeaux read the ruling to a packed courtroom stating: "If a company has rights under the Constitution then it is not immune from the law. Therefore, this lying scumbag company is going to die."

Riddeaux ruled the BP was guilty of 11 counts of murder, 11,350 counts of felony endangerment and 10,457,987 counts of assault.

Under the order, BP is to be taken over by American Marshals who will incarcerate all of the executives, flog them, then force all of them to watch the finale of Lost with no explanation. The company will then be cut up and sold. All funds in the treasury will go to clean up the spill, help the fishing industry and in a strange decision, the judge set aside $10,000 to buy singer Beyonce a treadmill, mumbling something about her ass and zip codes.
Booty beneficiary

Congress was elated with the news and quickly submitted the names of Google and Yahoo which took BP money to manipulate public opinion and Halibutron which one Senator called, the Ted Bundy of corporations.

Other shitty companies panicked and quickly tried to become good corporate citizens. Toyota has started a food-bank for inner cities, McDonalds has hired smarter people for the dirve-thru that speak English and American Airlines will now pay you $5 if you carry luggage.

"I love it!" said Jerrold Days, 55, a New Orleans fisherman. "We've been devastated down here. It's like someone is trying to wipe us out."

Many other express gratitude to the court noting that companies are not really people, just edifices which hides evil, greedy men.

"America is great," said Days who confessed that he didn't understand the Beyonce money until he saw the picture of her. "Man, the sisters needs to lay off the gumbo."

Copyright 2009.



I Reflect Upon The Life Of The Actor And Can Only Think Of How Strong A Man He Must Have Been

Gary Coleman is dead. And I didn't know whether to be sad or to cheer that he lived as long as he did. You see, he was told that he die before he was 16, then 20, then 25 and so on. At 42 Gary Coleman had defied the disease, the doctors and the odds.

But not life.

Gary Wayne Coleman was born with a kidney disease that stunted his growth and ravaged his body. Thank goodness it did not effect his mind because his was a comic talent that belied his age. Many comedians notably Johnny Carson said he had to be channeling the ghost of a comic genius.

Gary Coleman became tabloid fodder near the end of his life. All we heard about was bizarre behavior and his financial problems. But consider the strength of the man and the burdens heaped upon him and his resilient spirit.

  • -He was born with focal segmental glomerulosclerosis, which left him a little person.
  • -He had two kidney transplants and
  • -Had to undergo daily dialysis which leaves you weak and spent.
  • -His parents stole all of his child star money,
  • -He had to watch his costars succumb to drugs, porn and ultimately death in the case of Dana Plato.
  • -He survived depression and two suicide attempts.

Job was cursed with one terrible affliction after another and did not renounce God. Gary Coleman was cursed and struggle and beat the odds time and time again.

After listening the the 911 recording of his wife, it seems that Gary never had anyone on his side.

I don't know many people who could have passed Job's test. I wonder how many of us could have passed Gary Coleman's.


The Venomous Disrespect Displayed Toward The President Is Definitely A
Wake Up Call.

People can be overly sensitive about race. I still don't like being called an enigma. But I have to say that the attitudes of many toward the President have gone too far. And while I know a lot of it is America getting over it's dumbass bigotry, the incessant, ridiculous and nasty commentary has gone too far and shows that it is more than politics as usual.

When Bill Clinton was President, the right wing and its lap dog media fell on him like a ton of bricks. But as bad as that was, it's worse for Obama. A congressman called him a liar in public. He's been portrayed as The Joker, Adolf Hitler, and a monkey, assassinated no less. If he doesn't go to the Gulf he's incompetent. If he goes, he's pandering. He been called naive, inept, dumb and out of his cotton picking mind. A term that as we all know originates from the arduous task of slaves picking cotton in the harsh southern sun.

I have been critical of the President. He gets no free pass from me. He escalated the war, let go of the public option and has moved to appease, Latino Americans, Gay Americans and Rich Wall Street Americans but has not said a word about, you know, African Americans. But the Catch 22 right wing and crazy wing people have put him in is disrespectful and I think un-American. I mean no one has called him the "N" word but they way they are treating him is tantamount to the same thing.

Let this be a wake up call. If a Black President is still treated like a second class citizen then isn't it time to stop waiting for fairness and demand it? Isn't it time to stop hoping for respect and take it?

So in three days, we can all reflect on the American experiment and look back in wonder at the little rag-tag country that dared to offer men and women freedom based on God-given rights. But as we do let us not forget how far we still have to go and the strength and force of will it will take to get us there.

Happy 234th Birthday America.

Now grow up for chrissakes!

Copyright 2010



A Coalition Of History's Great Bloodsuckers Say The Trend In Vampire Sexploitation Is Killing Their Livelihoods

TRANSYLVANIA - The Count is pissed. From a Castle in the Carpathian Mountains of Eastern Europe, Dracula, Blacula and a host of others held a press conference to denounce the worldwide trend in human beings having sex with Vampires.

Their new organization called Vampires Against Sexual Exploitation (VASE) is dedicated to ending what one vampire calls "V-Pimpin'."

Twilight, True Blood and a host of other films books and TV shows are making money on presenting vampires as sex symbols. It is a global phenomenon and experts say it's become a $30 billion business.

"The idea that supernatural creatures would engage in carnal activities is insulting, demeaning and really gross," said Dracula who is the Vice President of VASE. "These new so-called vampires have a ridiculous lifestyle. They walk around in daylight, touch crucifixes and eat garlic. That's crap. I sleep in a coffin on maggot-infested soil, okay, that's how I'm rollin.'"

"I'm pissed off!" says Blacula, VASE President, who was famously portrayed in a 1973 classic. "Not only do Vampires not have sex, if we did, you know the brothers would be getting theirs. All I see is white vamps gettin' busy. That's some Hollywood bullshit. "And, don't they know we dead? Ain't that what they call negrophilia?" (He meant necrophilia but his point is well taken)

Rennita Freeman, an African American fan of the genre disagreed. "Wouldn't no self-respecting sister get with a vampire. They sleep all day, don't have no job and they ain't down with Jesus... come to think of it, I guess I have been with a vampire or two."

They're screwing up the whole game," said German vampire Max Shreck who was immortalized in the classics Nosferatu and Shadow Of The Vampire. "Vampires are not people, we're closer to animals and we're fierce and terrible. I swooped down on a woman last week and she wanted to see my package. It was very disconcerting."

"It's a well-known fact that vampires don't have working sex organs. After death, there is no sexual function, only the desire for blood," says Shrek.

"And we ain't gay!" says Blacula. "That's really a lie. You never saw me and Drac lusting after men back in the day. Okay, I know we wore capes and shit and the occasional puffy shirt but that don't mean I'm a sissy."

Sociology Professor Thomas Dean Chapman from Princeton says the current trend in vampire sex is a result of the feminization of the modern man. "Women want men who are at once soft and sweet but also strong, dangerous and sexually adventurous. You know, like Prince."

Catholic Priest Bishop Michael Richardson says it is a very disturbing trend. "It's very close to bestiality to the church." These are not men but animals. There are some books that have women having sex with werewolves. I know the church has a bad name but your dogs are safe with us."

Dracula has a different take. "Women are just freaky now," he says. "So consider this: I am dead, a cursed abomination of God, I want to drink your blood and maybe kill you and all you can think about is you want to do the nasty with me? Man, that's textbook freaky. And where will it end? What's next? Alien centerfold? Michael Meyers in a thong? It's disgusting."

Frankenstein's monster attended the conference and also chimed in. "I know I'm a monster and all," said the creature whose real name is Melvin. 'But I'm an actual man with actual man parts. That's right, the doctor made me anatomically correct and if I might say, he was very generous. But I never get a woman in movies. They even made Bride Of Frankenstein and couldn't hook a monster up!"

With movies breaking boxoffice records, five TV shows about vampires, millions of books, it doesn't seem like America's fascination with vampire sex is likely to end soon. But one things for sure, the vampires of VASE think it sucks and not in the good way.

Copyright 2010