a thousand words

Friday, May 28, 2010

R.I.P. HATER (1997-2009)


JANUARY 20, 2009 - The term “Hater” officially died today. You probably missed it in all the inauguration coverage but the term Hater was killed when it was hit by a car. This vehicle was being driven by intelligence, logic and reason.

Hater was born “Player Hater” referring to someone who criticized or denounced a person who was clever or deceitful in romance. As relationships became disposable, the Player method became accepted as a way to navigate the choppy waters of modern personal affairs. Moreover, it encouraged the notion that any negative action taken in a relationship was unimpeachable to the aggressor, giving rise to the catchy saying; “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

The term then grew in meaning to generally encompass a savvy and aggressive way of dealing with life itself. Anyone who was successful was a player and if you didn’t like it, you were just jealous of your inability to do what he or she was doing.

Thus, the Player Hater was born.

During the Bush era, the term went mainstream, became famous and started going by just one name. Everyone was talking about “Haters” in all walks of life. But the new philosophy did not allow dissent. Any criticism was denounced as hating. Soon, in our society, if anyone was successful, no matter what path they took to it, you had to be with it-- or be hatin’.

So we stood idly by as opportunists, crooks, thieves, poseurs, charlatans and whores stole our way of life and perverted our nobility. They did this largely immune from criticism, shielded by our fear of being labeled.

Intolerance thrived until we were pushed into the void of our lapses. Inside, we saw the shady origins of the term and the destructiveness of its mutation. So we rejected and killed it with our positive force of will.

We now understand that some things are just wrong and the people who do these things deserve our contempt. We also realize that dissent is the product of freedom. Criticism fosters debate, which in turn promotes reason and compromise. And while jealousy and envy are wrong, using their designation as instant punishment to destroy contrary opinion is evidence of weak minds and guilty hearts.

And let’s face it when CNN and Fox News use the term, you know it’s played out.

Therefore, I say so long Hater!

We hardly knew ye.

And I’m dancing on your grave.

CHRIS BROWN GETS ASS KICKED BY CORPSE OF IKE TURNER!

FAMED MUSICIAN GETS OUT OF GRAVE
TO DELIVER A CELEBRITY SMACKDOWN.


LOS ANGELES – Court-watchers and media were shocked when singer Chris Brown was attacked after his arraignment on charges that he assaulted pop diva Rhianna. More shocking is the identity of the attacker: deceased musician, Ike Turner. Turner who died in 2007 climbed out of his grave to “beat some sense into this little punk.”

As the world knows, Chris Brown allegedly battered pop singer Rhianna sending her to a hospital emergency room the night of the Grammy Awards in Los Angeles. Since then, the media has been on fire with speculation of his motivation and their apparent reconciliation.

Turner, now a walking zombie from hell, told reporters that he’s been punished severely for the abuse he leveled on singer Tina Turner, made famous by the film What’s Love Got To Do With It? and he just wanted to help Brown with his problem. “When a man beats a woman like that, the only thing he understands is a similar ass whuppin’” said Turner’s corpse. “I’m not attacking Chris Brown, I’m just talking to him in his native language.”

That “language” ironically resulted in Brown being rushed to the same hospital emergency room as Rhianna. Brown received multiple injuries, including severe lacerations to his rear end. Apparently, Turner’s bones are so brittle, that he actually broke off a foot in Chris Brown’s ass.

Brown’s representatives were outraged and called for Turner to be arrested. But when police arrived, Turner’s lawyer, Gloria Allred, stopped them by pointing out that Turner is not alive and therefore the law does not apply to him. Turner allegedly taunted police by yelling "Whatcha gonna do bitches, shoot me?"

People generally praised Turner for the action, noting that he’s only trying to redeem himself in the afterlife. One onlooker was also impressed by Turner’s fighting ability, quipping: “That brutha kicks butt like a six-legged man in an ass factory.”

SATAN SAYS PARIS HILTON AND KIM KARDASHIAN “TOO SKANKY” FOR HELL!


PARTY GIRLS REJECTED FROM WORST PLACE IN UNIVERSE.

HADES - Beelzebub ain’t feeling Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. The Fallen Angel recently looked into the future and learned that the pair are headed for Hell but he doesn’t want them.

“God has pulled some bad tricks but this takes the cake,” said Satan. "This has got that resurrection thing beaten my a mile."

The Devil thought that the two party girls would be forgiven for their sins but apparently God didn’t believe their sincerity and so He damned them to Hell.

Hilton
The Prince of Darkness was not amused. Even though he has admired the pair for advertising sin and distracting people from their lives, Lucifer has always been creeped out by the pair. “They make my skin crawl,” said the Son of Perdition, “and that’s hard when you have scales and shit.”

Old Bailey went on to ask “And why are these two losers famous anyway? All they did was have sex on the Internet. I’ve toppled nations and killed billions. I invented the The Black Death and Disco for Christ's sake. Where’s my goddamned reality show?”

Kardashian
Other denizens of Hades were not happy either. “We don’t want them hos!” said Jack The Ripper, the world's first serial killer. “We bloody well have standards.” “Yeah,” echoed Jeffrey Dahmer and Son of Sam. “At least we killed people quickly. Paris Hilton’s CD takes an hour to murder your ass.”

Others looked forward to the dynamic duo coming to eternal suffering. "I can't wait to meet Paris,"said Gengis Khan, who once killed 2 million people in an hour. "Blonde Hair is a symbol of good luck and it looks really pretty on fire."

Once God consigns you to Hell there is no going to Heaven and so the question arose as to where Britney and Paris would go if they didn’t go to Hell.

“How about Detroit?” said Satan. “I was there last week and they got my thing beat big time.”

INTERVIEW WITH SASHA FIERCE


IN A EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, BEYONCE’S
FIERY ALTER-EGO SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT AND DROPS BOMBS ON HOLLYWOOD.


By Ronnie Dyson, Musical Alter Ego Interviewer.

HOLLYWOOD – Sasha Fierce is coming out. I obtained an exclusive interview with Sasha, Beyoncé Knowles’ alter ego and artist responsible for the CD I Am Sasha Fierce. Since the Obsessed star confessed to having a wild, uninhibited side to her, everyone has been waiting to hear from that personality. Well, the wait is over.

I met Sasha in L.A. at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles on Sunset and Gower. She was wearing a black hoodie and some skin tight black jeans. She gave a shout to the kitchen staff in Spanish and then ordered a half chicken and three waffles. I settled in for our chat.

RD: So Sasha, what would you like the people to know about you?

SF: First, that Beyoncé is trippin’ like a three-legged cripple. She’s the damned alter ego. I’m the real bitch.

RD: So, you’re saying that she’s just--

SF: A figment of my goddamned imagination, right. See, it’s what you call a metaphysical notion. You know, like did Whitney become a crackhead or did the crackhead become Whitney? It’s some deep ass shit, like The Wire.

RD: So, I take it you don’t like Beyoncé?

SF: Look at me. Do I look like I’d roll with that goody-goody chick? Sasha gets her drink on, Sasha gets her party on and if the clock strikes twelve and somebody ain’t smacking my ass, Hell done froze over, ya heard?


RD: But Beyoncé does have style, don’t you agree?

SF: No, I do not. She swagger-jacked me! Them rags she be rockin’ ain’t fashion. That’s some “I’m-wearin’-this-because-
I-have-to-fit-in” shit. And she need to watch what she eats. I can eat anything I want but if Beyoncé gains another ten pounds, her driver's license picture is gonna say "continued on other side."

RD: What about Destiny’s Child? What part did you have in that?

SF: Why you bring up them? Don’t be askin’ Sasha about old stuff. Would you ask Obama about a dump he took last month? Would you question L’il Wayne about his first joint? No. So don’t sweat me about them historic heifers.

RD: Okay, then what about Jay-Z?

SF: What about that fool? That’s her (Beyoncé’s) thing not Sasha’s. Don’t no man own me. That’s like a fish claiming the ocean. Jigga need to keep on swimming.

RD: I take it you don’t believe in monogamy?

SF: Hell naw. One man? Shit, the only thing one man can do for Sasha is open the bedroom door for the next man.

RD: So I hear you’re mad at white celebrities adopting black babies.

SF: I’m glad you asked me about that ‘cause folks need to know how I feel. Beyoncé been going around spreading love about all this white folk adopting black babies but Sasha Fierce ain’t with it.

RD: Can I ask why?

SF: Cause the shit is whack. It’s like “Oh, look at me! I’m such a good person I adopted this African baby that my Mexican nanny is going to raise.” Then everybody starts doin’ it. Black people ain’t no fad. You like fads? Do the Macarena and pass on the Negro adoption, okay?

RD: So, you doubt their sincerity?

SF: Yeah. Madonna? What the hell is her problem? If she likes black babies so much why not get one from right here? Why go all the way to Africa? Oh that’s right THEY AIN’T FOR SALE IN AMERICA, BITCH!! Man, I wanna smack her until she sings good again.

RD: I guess Brad Pitt and Angelina are ass out too.

SF: Yo, they are ca-razy with it! They got black, white and Asian babies. Them damned kids look like the flag of Uganda! And Angelina, you ain't foolin' me. You got big lips, a bunch of babies and you put the punany hex on Brad. You a sistah. Case closed.

RD: And I hear you feel sorry for Janet Jackson?

SF: Definitely. She struggling now and it all started with showing a boob! That’s bullshit. It ain’t like she showed her brown betty, you know. There’s a lot of other shit on TV that’s scary. Like Seal. What’s up with his face? He looks like one of them big dudes from Lord Of The Rings. I saw him at a party once and I waved and smiled but I was thinking “Yo, shouldn’t your ass be after Mr. Frodo, nigga?”

RD: Damn, well you certainly are outspoken. Do you have any closing words?

SF: I just want people to know that when they see Beyoncé that they are really seeing me. And no matter how nice she is, Sasha Fierce is waiting. Believe that.

LOVE AND SEX: THE INTERVIEW

The two relationship powers
speak on their estrangement.


Many people have requested that I interview these two icons. It has been hard getting them together (for obvious reasons) But here it is. I convened with them at an undisclosed location. They were cool but I could sense the tension coming. They did not disappoint.

GARY: Hey, Love and Sex. So good to see you together again.

LOVE: Thank you.

SEX: Good to be here.

GARY: So I don’t think a lot of people know that you two used to be married.

LOVE: I wouldn’t call it that. We were joined together in spirit.

SEX: It was a marriage without the consequence.

GARY: That’s a matter of opinion, isn’t it?

LOVE: Yes. You couldn’t have sex without love or love without sex. It was mandated.

SEX: I agree with that. Society justified one with the other so most people were looking for love fortified by sex or sex that led to love.

GARY: So what the hell happened? Who screwed this up?

LOVE: Sex did. It got too big for its britches.

SEX: I’d expect you to say that. The way I see it, Love got old—and fat.

GARY: Hold up, no need to be nasty.

SEX: Sorry, I take that back. Love ain’t fat—it’s thick.(Laughs)

LOVE: Like I was saying, sex became more important to some people and they thought doing it without love or wanting it to lead to love was cool and fun.

SEX: It is and you know it. Sex feels good, it mellows people and gives them purpose and enlightenment.

LOVE: See what I’m saying? Sex acts like it’s a religion instead of a biological act. You’re just an uppity sneeze.

SEX: Now who’s being mean?

GARY: When did the separation begin?

LOVE: Prince.

SEX: Not that again.

GARY: Explain, please.

LOVE: Well, people used to sing about me. All the songs were about Love. Even if they were about sex, they still had me in mind. Love is a higher calling, you know. Then Prince came along. He sang about Love and Sex but all anyone paid attention to were the sex songs. He muddled the issue and then everyone started singing and rapping about Sex for the sake of Sex. He even had an album called LoveSexy. Bastard.

SEX: Love is a real hater.

GARY: Why do you say that?

SEX: I started getting all the attention, especially from the rappers. Society shifted its values and concerns and I came out on top. Look, people still like Love but no one sits around thinking about it. Love made itself too elusive. “I’m Love; I’m a mystery!” Love “mysteried” its ass right out of relevance. Not my fault, baby.

GARY: So you two parted company?

LOVE: I didn't leave Sex. Sex left me. I am the original. There was Love well before Adam looked down and said “Lord, what’s this thing for?" God created man out of Love.

SEX: Oh, here we go.

LOVE: Read your Bible, Mr. Crotch. It says "For God so LOVED the world,” not “For God so sex-ed it,” you sweaty reality show.

SEX: That kind of propaganda let Love rule for a long time but we are now in the age of Sex. I’m everywhere. Women are stuffing their bodies with fake boobs and butts. Men are taking drugs to get it on. People are doing it with anything that moves. People are at it twenty-four seven and they don’t care if they are married, single, cripple or crazy. Everybody has to get theirs! Back that ass up! Thank you Republicans, by the way.

LOVE: Jesus, when will this fifteen minutes be over?

SEX: Never. I am here to stay and you are just a has-been emotion.

GARY: You’re wrong about that.

SEX: Say what?

GARY: Love is not one emotion, it’s every emotion: hope, fear, desire, affection all of them and the quantity is unique to the union. Love is an ideal, a perfection that while unreachable takes you on a journey of self-discovery. In the effort to get and keep Love, we all become better people.

SEX: That’s all good, but Love don’t curl your toes up, brother! (Laughs)

LOVE: You may as well give up. Sex is not very smart these days.

GARY: Well, were out of time. But I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope to see you two back together. Things were better when you had to have both, you know.

LOVE: I never say never.

SEX: Neither do I.

GARY: Take care and try to love each other.

THE LIGHT-SKINNED PARTY


CAN INTRACULTURAL DYSFUNCTION
LEAD TO POLITICAL CAPITAL?


By G. Hardwick Socio-Political Analyst

ATLANTA – America has long needed a cure for the tired two-party system. The Republi-crats and the Dem-ublicans have ruined our once-proud freedom-based country with their greed and lies.

But once again, African Americans have come to the rescue. We now have a popular party:
The Light-Skinned Party.

Recently, in my hometown of Detroit there was an advertised “Light-Skinned” Party. And just this weekend in Atlanta, there was a “Dark Skin versus Redbone” party, hosted by a big-booty model.

This is change we can believe in.

In our community, there still exists the notion that light-skinned people are better looking, smarter, and more prosperous. More to the point, they are thought to be better because of their mixed blood and closeness to white people, who are of course, better than black people. (See, e.g., Obama, Barrack Hussein and Sure! Al B)

Finally, black people are unified on something besides, booty-shakin’ and down-low activities. We should use this new interest to force debate in the political sector.

The Light Skinned Party (LSP) should elect representatives who question authority
and bring about change. How about universal light-skinned health care or light-skinned gay marriage and how about we bring the light-skinned troops home? The dark troops are probably better fighters and think of the money we'll save on that black camouflage face paint.

Our system is broken. We gave away a trillion dollars but we can't fix education. We started two wars but we can't provide health care as good as other civilized countries. We need a revolution and if it's lighter than a paper bag, then so be it!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. This is bad, man. It’s based on the aftermath of slavery and the use of colorism to keep black people from unifying. But lets be honest. There’s light and dark brown in the Latino community. There’s Asian versus Euro-Asian feature problems (See Ling, Lisa). There’s a version of this in every ethnic group, including white people (See, Hilton, Paris)

So, we should embrace it and make some lemonade. You want to split hairs over color or do you want light-skinned G-8 Summit compliance and light-skinned tax reform?

If you are waiting for the serious part of this note, give it up. This is so ri-goddamned-diculous that I can’t even find the switch to turn off my snarky-ironic-cynicism.

Somebody stop me before I satirize again!

PRESIDENT SIGNS AFRICAN AMERICAN RETRIBUTION LAW


EXECUTIVE ORDER ALLOWS BLACKS
TO HARASS WHITES IN AMERICA.


WASHINGTON D.C. - After the scandal involving noted black scholar Henry Louis Gates, President Obama signed Executive Order 454 that allows all African Americans the unfettered power to harass and assault whites in America. It is being called The African American Retribution Law.

White congressmen were outraged, calling the order offensive and a slap in the face of democracy. “This is ridiculous!” said ultra conservative Senator Sam Brownback, (R) Kansas. “Even though these orders are largely symbolic, it still has the force of law. It’s open season on whites.”

Rush Limbaugh called the order “typical,” and further stated of the Gates affair that “Just because a black man is in his own house, doesn’t mean he’s not stealing from it.” Limbaugh was still commenting when he was savagely beaten by a janitor and Republican Party Chairman, Michael Steele.

Black politicians see the order differently. “He’s just leveling the playing field,” said Gov. Deval Patrick (D) Massachusetts and long time Obama supporter. “This order is the kind of thing Malcolm X would have done. It’s a threat bound by humanity.”

Mayor Corey Booker (D) of Newark New Jersey said he would not take advantage of the order but noted that no white person would know that and would be respectful.

Other blacks are not quite so philosophical. “I’m fucking up every white person I see,” said
Detroit native LaSarius Green Jr. “I’m filled with self-righteous pigmentation.” Green probably meant “indignation” but his point is well taken.

Many white citizens are alarmed but most see the order as symbolic of the history of our nation. “There was a time when this was the unofficial law of America agaist all black people,” said Bill Maher popular talkshow host of Real Time with Bill Maher. “No one has attacked me and I think the only whites that have to worry are the assholes, and you know, the Republicans.”

The law has certainly impacted the daily lives of many. Former Vice President Dick Cheney fired all the blacks from his security detail only to be bitch slapped by a washroom attendant in his private club who was later described as “extremely light-skinned.” Fox News host Bill O'Reilly has been missing for three days and in the grocery store, Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima kicked the shit out of that guy on the Quaker Oats box.

Ironically, the call for tolerance has come from Henry Louis Gates himself. “We must not let our anger, no matter how justified, define us as a people,” said Gates. “We can be better than the oppressor of the past and the intolerant of today.”

“I feel that,” said LaSarius Green Jr. “But that don’t change my agenda. I’m on a tour.” When asked what kind of tour, Green said: “Me and my crew are on our way to Wall Street to kick ass and eat chitlins—and we all out of chitlins.”

LEADER OF BIRTHER MOVEMENTN DEPORTED!


ORLY TAITZ KICKED OUT OF AMERICA BY OBSCURE 19TH CENTURY LAW.

CALIFORNIA - Orly Taitz, the California attorney-dentist leading the charge of the so-called Birthers Movement was deported yesterday under an obscure law dating back to the early 1800’s.

The Birthers are a group of people who argue that President Barrack Obama was not born in the United States and is therefore not eligible to serve as president. Obama’s birth certificate and all credible evidence show that he was, in fact, born in Hawaii.


Taitz and others were brought up on charges under The “Bad Hat” Law. This law was enacted by President James Madison during the War of 1812. A Bad Hat is an old term for one who cast aspersions on the good works of the faithful government during critical times. In today’s parlance, a bad hat would be commonly referred to as an asshole.

The law reads in part:

Any citizen who by speech or print undertakes action, which by extreme deception undermines the President or government during times of war or other crisis, will be deported according to the procedures of the applicable federal agency, in the name of THE PEOPLE and for the betterment of the country.


Taitz was turned in by a patriot group calling themselves NOYA.
Obama: Actually in charge

While the President has taken upon the task of getting the economy back on track, ending the war, improving international relations, getting universal health care and straightening out the Cambridge Police, Taitz and her followers have been supporting their country by showing how a man who would do all this is really against America.

Detroit native LaSarius Green, leader of NOYA stated that he was tired of Taitz and many Republicans who are trying to deny support for the Birthers and at the same time trying to undermine the President.

“The bitch gotsta go,” said Green, who was just acquitted of assault charges against several Wall Street bankers in New York. “These people are hateful and this shit is ridiculous. This is a good law. When some fool talks shit up in your house, you throw them the fuck out... well you know, unless you live in Cambridge, then they throw you out, ha ha ha ha ha!”

Green then confirmed that NOYA is an acronym for Negroes On Your Ass.

Under the law, when you are deported, you must go back to your land of origin. As it turns out, Taitz, whose maiden name was Malde is really of Middle Eastern descent. Her family name was Maliddad and was changed upon coming to America.

So, Orly Taitz is on her way to Iran.
The Bad Hat Law

Thelma Wilson, 35, a neighbor of Taitz in Orange County is happy to see her go. “She was a nuisance,” said Wilson, a fellow dentist. “Let see how smart she is when it’s 105 degrees and her pale ass is in a Berka baking like some cornbread.”

The law is of course having a tremendous impact on politicians. “Roy Blount (R) Missouri and Birther supporter says it’s unconstitutional, then added how nice Obama’s hair was. FOX News commentator Glenn Beck retracted his statement that the President was a racist insisting that Obama was a nice man with “a pretty jump shot.” And former governor Sarah Palin is so scared that she hasn’t spoken for two days.

In a shock to Republicans, former Vice-President Dick Cheney denounced the Birthers, saying “We don’t need to lower ourselves to cheap insults and tricks. We should stick to the plan of insulting Obama with thinly-veiled racist comments.”

Lawyers have mounted an opposition to the old statute but for now it is the law of the land, so like mama used to say: “Watch your damned mouth.”

REPUBLICANS PROPOSE BILL TO OUTLAW THE SUN


OBAMA GET TAN, SO
GOP PASSES BILL TO OUTLAW THE SUN.

WASHINGTON D.C. – The 2012 election devastated the Republican Party.  Worse for the GOP, is that the new President was African American, a fact which has angered Republicans to no end.

Since Obama has taken office, Republicans have opposed everything he has advocated, without logic, reason or intelligence. From Health Care to the Supreme Court, if Obama wants it, the Republicans do not.

But the opposition may have gone to the level of the absurd. After the President stated that he often enjoyed sunning himself on vacation, Republicans have moved to ban the sun.

The bill, #SB 5735 was proposed by a consortium of Republican Senators from the south. It calls for the U.S. to outlaw all forms of sunshine and make any enjoyment of it a felony.

“We’ve been addicted to sunshine too long,” said former governor Sarah Palin. “What America needs and what God wants is an end to this evil star.”

When told that the sun provided warmth and basically sustained life on the planet, Palin was quick to point out that she has a five point plan to drill for oil, run a sub-space pipeline to the moon and set it on fire, effectively making a new sun.

“These people are bat-shit crazy,” said retired President Bill Clinton who just rescued two prisoners from North Korea. “I know the GOP is down, but this is lunacy. Can you hate a man so much because he’s black that you would propose something so preposterous?”

MIT Physics professor Robert K. Roth stated that even if we could stop the sun that the effect would be cataclysmic and the universe as we know it would end. GOP chairman Michael Steele said the statement was alarmist then asked if Roth was a Jewish name.

NAACP President Ben Jealous says that this is really a weird indication that racism is ending in America. “They are desperate. They can’t apply any stereotype to the President and all attempts to undermine him using old imagery and fear have failed. So now they just disagree with everything he says hoping to get some traction. It’s like the guy who loses at golf then breaks his club. The game is over.”

Perennial Republican loser Newt Gingrich disagrees. “Republican capacity for bias and fear is endless. As long as there is breath in our bodies, we will hate someone.”

The Senate Bill faces tough opposition especially from Floridians who don’t want to change their state’s name to the “Flaming Moon State.”

THE BIG CLOCK


TIME RUNS OUT ON EVERYTHING
EVENTUALLY, INCLUDING IGNORANCE.


There’s a time limit for everything. Nine innings of baseball, four quarters of football and I think your music career ends when you use auto-tone.

But for society there’s A Big Clock, a spiritual time-keeper who looks at the passage of humanity and sets limits for the end of all things uncivilized.

Take the race issue. We can never have a real racial dialogue in this country because of our guilt, shame, fear or anger. And because we’re such cowards we use surrogates for race.

Like Obama’s birth certificate. It’s just a nice way to vent your real racial feelings about African Americans without being called a racist. You can say "Hey, I don’t hate black people, I just want him to prove he's a citizen."

Why didn't any of the Birthers join the two cases that were filed before the election? Oh yeah that's right, they thought the white guy was gonna win. But he didn’t and now the President isn’t a respected position, he’s just some civil servant like the guy in the post office. ‘Hey, show me your birth certificate and give me some Black History stamps while you’re at it.”

I get it, a black President makes you feel like you're not better than black people anymore. Go on and say it. Don't be afraid. I'd rather listen to a real card carrying Klansman than the mealy-mouthed cowards who try to use this as a dodge.

The Big Clock Of Humanity is running on all the people who want to hold on to hate, racism and intolerance. It ran on slavery, civil rights, apartheid, disco and a host of other issues people thought would never be resolved.

Our parents dreamed of a world where race didn’t matter. Then we stopped dreaming and worked to make it a reality. And sure people worked against us but we were vigilant and we’ve moved that much closer to a real colorblind society.

Did any of us think it was going to be easy getting there? When did America ever do anything the easy way?

The races are mixing, children are growing up without their parents’ biases and the barriers between us are crumbling. What we are feeling now are the growing pains associated with shedding the last vestiges of our ignorance.

It is going to happen one day people. You can sit in a corner and hate the world. You can go to church and ask God to strike down the people He created, you can watch Fox News, Listen to Rush Limbaugh and seal yourself in a bubble where every white person is Glenn Beck and every black one is Michael Steele but it won’t make a bit of difference.

Humanity always wins.

The Big Clock is running.

Tick tock, muthafuckas.

Tick tock.

WORLD LEADERS AGREE THAT KANYE WEST IS A "JACKASS"


AFTER SHAMELESS ANTICS, WEST IS INTERNATIONALLY BANNED BY UNITED NATION RESOLUTION

GENEVA – After President Obama called Kanye West a “jackass” for his mind-numbingly insensitive stunt at the VMA awards, world leaders around the globe took notice.

Kanye’s antics were so shocking that the leader of the free world stopped making history to express his shock. So it wasn't long before other world leaders jumped on the bandwagon.

After reviewing the footage of West interrupting 17-year old Taylor Swift’s moment at the awards show, several world leaders agreed to declare Kanye West an international asshole.
UN Resolution 45-B officially states that the erstwhile rapper is no longer welcome in key countries in Europe, Asia and South America. Australia did not join the resolution, nothing that since Aussie actor Russell Crowe hit a guy with a phone, there’s nothing they can do about this kind of behavior.

West joins an infamous list of assholes including Osama Bin Laden, Eco-polluter Bromley Corp. and “that annoying talking baby on the TV commercials."
Hatoyama, No West in East

Japanese prime Minister, Yukio Hatoyama said he voted to put West on the list because of his people. “The Japanese people are very spiritual,” said Hatoyama. “West’s spirit is tainted. Also, his last CD was whack.”

Nigerian President Umaru Yar'Adua, went even further suggesting that Kanye was not of African descent. “Yes, he is dark but so are those Indians. Perhaps he’s one of them. We have enough problems in Africa.”

Even local celebrities weighed in “I was outraged,” said singer Chris Brown. “No man should intimidate a woman like that. It was shameless. Can I be famous again, now?”
Yar'Adua: West no brother of mine

“I don’t get it,” said Michael Vick. “I went to jail for hurting some damned animals. Kanye embarrassed a woman, Chris Brown beat up a woman, OJ killed a woman and none of them went to jail for it! I’m not real sure what irony is, but I think this might be it.”

West had no comment but to say he was sorry. Sources report he was out looking for rehab centers, buying more fruity-looking outfits and planning a concert tour in Sydney.

RISE OF THE ASS-TRESS


WHEN NON-TALENTEDNESS IS
VALUED, THE TALENTED SUFFER.


I know a lot of actresses. Some are famous, most are not. And I have a special place in my heart for minority actresses who as I often point out are being disregarded in my profession.

There is, however, an even more upsetting phenomenon of late that has set back all actors and that is the sudden popularity of the non-talented celebrity. You know what I mean. Reality show divas, big-bootied “video” queens and “models” who mostly squat in thongs.

It is the rise of the Ass-Tress.

Unlike an act tress, an ass-tress masquerades as a talented person but really she's just a fake, looking for fame and a fast buck because she was born pretty, wealthy or into a famous or infamous family.
Ass-tresses: Hardly Workin'

The media, the biggest whores of all, likes these women because they don’t have to pay them for their talent because, you know, they don’t have any. They can use them to sell fake shows and they in turn come out with perfume, bras and wig lines. I don't know about you but I don't want to smell like a housewife from New Jersey. Asstresses give hope to every woman who thinks because guys hit on them that they are special and should be on TV.

Andy Warhol said everyone would be famous for fifteen minutes. I want to dig him up and kill his ass again because it’s starting to be true. The problem is real talented people are going unemployed because the public refuses to reject this drivel that passes for entertainment.

What is a reality show really but a contrived, mash-up of someone’s life presented with fake authenticity. Why do the Kardashians have a show? Do we remember that the father (now dead) was O.J.’s lawyer and confidant or Paris did a porno and later said it was “leaked.”
The Bachelor: 1 Man 20 Ass-tresses

Bullshit.

They are ass-tresses. And so is Brooke Hogan, all the “Real Housewives,” and every other no-talent grinning for minimum wage.

And they are all over the “dating” shows. You know, a show where a handsome man gets to make out with sixteen women over a season then picks the one with the biggest boobs to date or marry but then he dumps her because they need a second season.

And if you notice, it is mostly women who are treated this way. I admit that there are asstors (or abstors, if you will) too but men are still the favorite sons of the business and most likely they will star in a show and a gaggle of women will be trucked in for their disposal.

No doubt some of you reading this watch these shows and even enjoy them. Ask yourself why. Why does Celebrity Rehab turn you on? Why is someone’s misery funny or interesting to you? Why do we pretend that any of these people are really feeling anything when we know it’s all fake? And what’s next? We watch the feed from public traffic surveillance cameras or stick our head into our next-door neighbors’ window while they argue? Try to "tivo" that shit.
The next TV show?

Ironically, we have some great shows on now, the kind of shows that would have been big hits when we cared about quality and we wanted our imaginations engaged. Now we just want our emotions triggered with quick short term-fixes. Asstresses and their reality shows are like digital crack, cheap, addictive and ultimately destructive.

I know what you're thinking. A scripted show is fake too. It's an actor pretending to be another person. So, what's the difference? I'm gonna tell you but (and don't take this the wrong way) some of you will not understand.

A scripted show is a work of art and art imitates life in that it portrays the truth of who we are. Actors are talented artisans who create characters to tell this truth. A reality show has non-artistic, untalented people telling a lie about who they are.

In this regard, shows likeLincoln Heights and Nurse Jackie have more reality in them than any reality show.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not against all reality shows. Only those that take jobs away from real actors and singers who practice and suffer for their art.

Actors, I am with you.

I know how hard it is and how you’re being ignored, marginalized and disregarded. This is a phase and like all fads, when it’s over we will need you again. Until then, we must all stand against "un-talent" and stop watching these shows.

I see you asstresses.

Go back to the makeup counter in Macy's where you belong.

THE CURE


AMERICA'S SICKNESS IS BEING CURED BY THE UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE OF REASON

“You lie!”

I would have never guessed that these two words would signal the beginning of the end of racism in America but I think they did. The anger and frustration of certain people is erupting as they finally realize that the President is not white and what it ultimately means to this country and the world.

These guys have nothing left. They can’t say he’s dumb; they tried to say he’s subversive and that didn’t work, so now he’s just some Negro undeserving of the respect his office entitles him to. It’s like arguing with someone, getting the best of him and then he yells: “Yo mama!”

The intolerant are on the run and the question is why is it so hard? Why is the hatred and vitriol so deep? Why do these people seem so damned crazy going so far as to suggest that this is no longer America?

Of course, I know the answer to this. Bear with me:

The genocide of Native Americans and the enslavement, murder and oppression of Africans are the two most heinous crimes in American history. This is the sin. At the same time, the notion that there are inferior races suggests that there are superior ones, the former, deserving of atrocity and the latter absolved of them by divine or scientific right. Over time, this notion was ingrained into the collective conscious of white and black America. This is the denial.

Over the years, the sin and denial merged into a poisonous mixture of psychological burden. Whites learned to oppress without guilt and to dismiss without remorse. Blacks and others learned to accept oppression and subservience as fate.

But our inability to accept the atrocities of our troubled past caught up with us. America fought hard to protect its racial class system and suppressed equality and achievement. And so we fell from grace, becoming a failed business competitor and an arrogant military bully. The racial chickens came home to roost-- and they had fangs.

So we again pressed for change and elected a President who didn't look like all of the previous ones. And the intolerant immediately pushed back. They root for him to fail, draw cartoons of him as an assassinated monkey, question his citizenship and patriotism and call him a liar in Congress.

When a virus attacks a body, it disrupts normal functions and tears away at life itself. When the antidote is administered, then the body fights back and the process is ugly. The body writhes in pain, rejecting the illness until it is gone.

The disease of racism is embedded in American life. Why did any of us think that the cure would be quick or painless?

What we are witnessing in the nasty, disrespectful and borderline insane attacks and statements is the sickness of racism being alleviated by the cure of reason and humanity. The diseased are being outed for what they are and they are fighting to keep their delusion of racial inferiority alive.

They will lose. The cure has arrived. The disease will be eradicated. And happily, there will be no deductible or co-pay for the treatment.

A GOOD SCARE


WHAT SCARES US SAYS A LOT ABOUT WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE BELIEVE IN.

It's that time of year again when we contemplate all things scary. I know, nothing is scarier than politics but I want to talk about our society, culture and what frightens us as human beings.

When I was a kid, we were scared of Dracula, Frankenstein's monster and the Wolfman. Now in the movies, people have sex with vampires and werewolves and The Mummy is in an action comedy.

Why don’t monsters scare us anymore?

People need to be afraid. It’s basic human psychology. We face our fears, then defeat them. Good versus Evil.

But look at what scares us now: Jason, Freddie, Michael Meyers—all human. Saw, Hostel, Paranormal Activity, Zombies—all human. And those people dressing as creepy clowns all over the U.S. are just deeply disturbed men.

I guess the scariest thing in human life now are other humans.

I have a theory about this. See, old school monsters were really about God. You remember him, The Almighty, Heavenly Father and what not. Well, all of the old scary stuff was about God and those who dared oppose Him.

Dracula was a man who renounced God and was cursed. The Wolfman was cursed as well and The Mummy defied death only to return to life, you guessed it, cursed. Frankenstein’s monster was an abomination as a man tried to emulate God. And what hurt them? Crucifixes, Holy Water, silver (purity) and fire (holy purification). In the end, good triumphed, always.

Now, we are afraid of our next door neighbor, Wall Street Bankers and idiots on Youtube who rant about getting rid of society's dead weight. And Kim Kardashian tied up and being robbed is this years best seller Halloween mask.

Does this mean that we’ve lost faith, people?

Before you poo-poo me, let me dazzle you with more nerdy horror facts. Dracula moved to London for love of his lost wife, Frankenstein’s monster only wanted a mate, (hence the sequel, Bride Of Frankenstein) The Wolfman killed impulsively but could not kill the woman he loved and yes, The Mummy came to life for his queen. The evil monsters sought to be God-like by possessing God’s greatest capacity. In the end, this led them to their demise.

Today’s monster lives down the street, hacks up bad actresses in the shower then comes back for the bad sequel.

So here's the deep part: in the past, our fear was losing our soul, now it's losing our life. If we treasure earthly life more than our immortal soul, then truly we have lost our faith in whatever God we believe in.

I guess what's really scary is this blog, huh?

I still believe that good beats evil in life and death. Keep your mindless slasher. Give me an old-fashioned vampire—with his clothes on.

Copyright 2016

SAY IT AIN'T SO, SAMMY



There are not many things that can break my heart.

I'm from Detroit and lets face it, we grow 'em tough there. The country is still in deep shit. No one wants to admit that the wars will go on for ever and the Lions are 1 and 7. Still, I was good until this morning.

And then I saw Sammy Sosa.

You remember him, the dark, handsome man who went toe-to-toe with Mark McGuire for the homerun championship, only he did it without steroids. Sammy the humble gentlemen who was soft-spoken and noble as he marched into sports legend.

Well, Sammy's Dominican and I guess they still have a few issues about color down there because Sammy is now a white man. He has bleached his skin with something he calls a "rejuvenation cream." Now, I watched Michael Jackson fade away but it took about seven years for him to do it. Sammy, ever the record-breaker, did it in one.

Here's where I would usually write some witty, comical analogy about the subject then follow it with some thought-provoking statement.

I seem to be all out right now.

My head and my heart are only filled with sadness not just for Sammy, baseball or Dominicans.

I'm sad for the world.

GOING HO


Republicans use “Crazy but hot” to sell their agenda.

I’ve noticed a trend in Republicanism lately. Many of the women who spew the talking points and “God should be President” crap are really nice looking, I dare say beautiful. Do you care what Sarah Palin’s views are in Going Rogue? Or do you just remember her in those cute glasses, her nice hair and running shorts? Do you care that Carrie Prejean continued the dehumanization of gays in the national media or is she's just hot as hell in that white bikini? And what was bigger, Katherine Harris’s thievery of history in Florida or her boobs?

"Crazy but hot" seems to be the prerequisite for Republican pitch women. Michelle Malkin is as nutty as a peanut factory but every time I see her I am put at ease by her stunning beauty. Of course, by the end of her rant, she looks like the Crypt Keeper but she got my attention. Now when I see her I flip.

It’s as though the Republicans know they have nothing to sell so why not put it in a pretty package? It's like: “Hey, here’s a box of crap but the box is 18k gold. If you never open the box, you can enjoy how gorgeous it is.”

But open it and it’s shit.’’

I think we are buying the goods, people. The media, ever the whores that they are, are all over Sarah Palin. Even Oprah got into it. But would we even care if Sarah Palin wasn’t so cute? Are we so shallow now that even as we dismiss her for being empty-headed that we glorify her because she was born with good genes?

And why are so many good-looking women buying the Republican line anyway? I think it's because the tenets of female equality require you to have substance and these people ain't got none. It's easier to fake intellect than good bone structure. This raises an interesting question about Americans: Who are we? Capable and plain or pretty and stupid?

I think the Republicans are doing this on purpose. I think they believe that we have fallen into ultra doofus mode and cannot distinguish the message from the messenger. “She’s saying stupid shit, but she’s sooo pretty, maybe I’ll believe it.”

This is trouble because lets face it the democrats are ugly. The Obamas are nice-looking but I think Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi cancel him out-- with points to spare. The democrats need to find some hot chicks to fight back. They should make sure they don’t have libraries of sex tapes (like Prejean) first, though.

This can be done easily. Hollywood is the home of the liberal so lets get some of them. Ben Affleck likes politics and he looks real good in a suit, though Clooney looks more like a President. And who could not pull the lever for Scarlett Johansen? And she’s already in the President’s Blackberry.

So step it up CNN and MSNBC, go on over to the Playboy Mansion and get some correspondents. Pull a news anchor or two from the Victoria's Secret catalog. How about some in-depth coverage on the scocio-political implications of radical Islam and American nation-building from Meagan Fox. Because lets face it, Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann ain't good-looking enough to take seriously.

Okay, I’m making light of this phenomenon but I agree with Newt Gingrich who said “No one should underestimate Sarah Palin.” Consider this: Palin is a good-looking joke, right? Well, there was another politician who was known for his looks and whom no one took seriously.

His name was Ronald Reagan.

DIVORCING NEGRITUDE

AS OF TODAY I AM NO LONGER A MEMBER OF, OR ASSOCIATED WITH, THE PEOPLE CALLED AFRICAN AMERICAN.

I don’t feel like being black today.

How many times have you either said that or heard someone say it? We all know it really means I’m tired of the stupid behavior of others. Well, when I say it, I really mean it. Sometimes, my people make me sick. And I feel this way because I’m trapped by that connection we all have to the culture, that deep, cellular soulfulness that binds you to the race.

Well, not anymore.

I discovered a loophole that finally lets me out. On my birth certificate someone (God bless him) made a mistake. In the race boxes, my mother and father are both listed as “white!” I called the state and as far as they are concerned, I am white.

Because of this, ladies and gentlemen, I am white in Michigan, all fifty states, in every country and throughout the world and the universe.

Bye bye, Negroes!

I am out and I couldn’t be happier about it. And I didn’t have to burn off my skin to do it. In your face, Sammy Sosa!

Undoubtedly people will be confused because I still have the black skin, so I’ve put my birth certificate on a necklace and I wear it everywhere I go. Also, I bought some dockers.

And now that I’m white I want to talk about some things about you black people that have always pissed me off.

First off, white people ain’t all that bad. Why are you obsessed with us, what we do, what we look like and the consistency of our hair. Okay, I know there was slavery and all that shit but that was a long time ago. Get over it.

If you think that most people are good, then you have to accept that most of us white people are good. So logic dictates that you should give us the benefit of the doubt. So no more of that standing around looking all badass, dark and what not. It's unsettling, especially when I'm using my debit card.

And black ladies, maybe some of you could just use your own hair, okay? It's really nice and there’s only so much hair in India.

Secondly, Why do you people treat each other so badly? Why does every black person want every other black person to do things for them out of devotion but they won’t do it themselves? Also, why don’t the men and women get along? Seems like the women want the men but the men don’t want them back. And yet there are babies everywhere! So either you guys work it out on some level, or the homies are running invitro labs in the ‘hood.

And black men, what's with the absentee dad thing? Is that really working out for you? It's ridiculous. The women get a soul and lose their freedom and the man keeps his freedom but loses his soul. Also you screw up Father's Day. But hey, we got Britney Spears and Levi Johnston, so I guess we're even.

Also, can you all shut up in the movies? Can you shut up in Target, in church—oh hell, just shut up! You black people are the chattiest folk I know. And what the hell are you talking about, anyway? Us white folk talk about our boats, our lineage, skiing and how we really don’t want our kids to be gay or marry outside their race. So just quiet down. And hey, pick some ringtones without the words ass and swagga in them, will ya?

Now, there are some things I will miss. I like how black strangers say hello or acknowledge you like you’re in some kind of secret society. The head nod is my favorite or the smile from the ladies. This really helps at airport security and the post office.

I will also miss being part of the consciousness of the nation. Black people are the ones who can’t be fooled with bullshit and who always see through to humanity. Us white folks tend to be a little myopic and often we filter everything through this notion that we are always right.

Some things I can see won’t change. White and black folk worry about jobs, the economy and their children’s future. And both black and white Santa Clauses are creepy and smell like liquor.

Still, it’s good to be out. I put in a lot of years at the Black Factory and while they never downsized, the pay sucked and the 401k was for shit.

Well, I’m off to enjoy my new life. I’ll listen to Kings Of Leon and go to those secret places we never tell the you people about. And I’ll enjoy Glenn Beck and American Idol where we can sing just as good as the blacks.

Also, I believe the President, (who I like to think of as half white) should definitely show us his birth certificate. Just look at what I found on mine!

I feel a little sorry for my former brothers and sisters. I know you want out and I’d like to help you, but if I did, well, that would just make us all the same and who wants that?

And lastly, I have a son. I was really worried about whether he could come with me into this bright new world. So I checked his birth certificate and I'm happy for the future. His birth certificate doesn't say anything about race at all.

He gets to just be a person.

BECAUSE I AM NOW WHITE, TIGER WOODS HAS TURNED BLACK


IN AN UNFORSEEN TURN OF EVENTS, MY NEW WHITENESS HAS FORCED BLACKNESS ONTO ANOTHER RACIAL ESCAPEE.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction - Issac Newton

I knew leaving the race would have some consequence, but I didn’t see this one coming. After having a loud argument and fight with his wife over another woman which ended in a car accident and a golf club beating, Tiger Woods has taken my place as black.

Woods, 33, whose real name is Eldrick Tont Woods was involved in a one car accident outside of his Florida Mansion. He hit a fire hydrant then a tree. Rumors have swirled that Woods had an affair with celebrity playgirl Rachel Uchitel.

“I can’t believe it, “ said one neighbor, Woods ran out of the house and I swore I heard him yelling “Feets don’t fail me now!”
The little woman

Also, neighbors report hearing Wood’s middle name "Tont" being yelled during the fight. Woods’s wife Elin Nordegren is Swedish and in Swedish Tont or tönt means "idiot." (I’m not making this up: See Tont Definition)

Woods is denying it all and not talking to police but doctors say his facial injuries occurred before the car accident. And I don't know about you but when I see a car accident, the first thing I do is grab for my golf club.

And to make matters worse, a Miami based company is now selling a new line of golf clubs called “Tiger Tamers” for keeping your man in line.

I am saddened by this. Even as I was let out of a speeding ticket by a nice cop this morning, I grieved. I was hoping my leaving the race would do something good like making Michael Steele buy a Pimp Cup and some gold fronts or making Condolezza Rice do the booty dance at the G4 Summit.
The other woman?

A lot of people were mad at Woods when he married a blonde, noting that he had more black and Asian blood but it's all good because I think the wife turned black, too.

Lionel Richie who also got his ass kicked by a woman said that Woods shouldn't let it get him down. "People will have their jokes and then it'll all be over." Ironically, Richie made this comment while sitting down to pee. Al Green who also got a female beatdown said. "A golf club ain't got nothing on some hot grits."

I feel awful. I’ve always liked Woods. Even though golf is like watching paint dry, I thought his exit from the race was elegant and smooth. I wasn’t even mad. But now I guess we can put him back on the cover of Jet.

You know, I suppose I could come back and that would clear this mess up....

Sorry Eldrick.

You're on your own, Negro.

THE MILLENNIUM, CONVERGENCE OF FATE AND WHITNEY HOUSTON


THE FIRST TEN YEARS OF
A CENTURY SAYS IT ALL.


I’VE BEEN THINKING HARD about how to sum up the ’00 decade. The first ten years after the turn of a century often portends what the rest will be like. For example, from 1900 to 1909 we saw: first flight, the first car, the first affordable electronic gadget (Kodak's $1 Brownie camera), the theory of relativity, the first movie and the NAACP. By the end of the century, we had space flight, rapid transit, the ipod, the atom bomb, Hollywood and a black politician who would become President.

This new century is off to an auspicious start but I think the inventions of the last ten years are not the best way to chart where we came from and where we are going. Instead, the life of one person parallels the themes of the last decade and perhaps the future of this nation and the world.

Whitney Houston.

In 2000, Whitney Houston had a string of hit records, successful movies and signed a historic recording deal worth 100 million dollars. Her next album, Just Whitney sold over 3 million copies.

That same year, America had just ended the tenure of a popular president. The economy was healthy, we had been at peace for most of the century and no one worried about that guy from Texas named Bush. Al Gore seemed primed to become President.

But Whitney had married Bobby.

So Bush became President.

In 2001, The World Trade Center was attacked and everything in America and the world changed.

Whitney’s marriage to Bobby Brown started its fall down the rabbit-hole of drugs and humiliating public behavior.

President Bush started not one but two wars and America was plunged into the abyss. The economy fell apart and thousands of people were killed. Politicians failed their constituents and the people in turn did nothing but point fingers at each other over who could be the most myopic about their country.

Whitney and Bobby got themselves a reality show and the disaster was put on display for all to see. The once “good girl” and her husband were displayed as the stereotype: “What does a black person do with a million dollars? She buys a million dollars worth of dope.” It was a tragedy, just like the war and “crack is whack” was right up there with “weapons of mass destruction” as pathetic anthems of the day.

Whitney spiraled into addiction, lost weight, looked a mess and sang even worse. She tore herself to pieces before our eyes.

America also became unhinged. We spent more money than we had, Wall Street stole even more and we attacked each other rather than admit that our excesses did us in. “Forget the slaughter of innocents, the oppression of workers and the theft of freedom, just don’t let the gays get married!”

Late in the decade, Whitney divorced Bobby and America supported “The Surge.” Both were pitiable attempts to end bad behavior with smoke and mirrors and no real truth or conviction.

But Bobby wasn’t Whitney’s problem.

And the Surge wasn’t America’s answer.

So Whitney struggled through several failed comebacks while denying the real problem. Her fans (myself included) got fed up and just turned away.

The Surge lessened hostilities but we denied the real problem. We stopped reporting deaths and bombings and turned our attention to anyone who had screwed up their life and got a TV show.

Then finally, Whitney cleaned up, gained some weight and re-presented herself to America. We hoped that she had changed.

America set Obama’s promise of hope and change against McCain’s “stay the course” philosophy.

McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Whitney went on Oprah to face her fans.

Both actions were pitiful, desperate attempts to fool a public who would not be fooled anymore. They both failed.

Obama was elected President. America and the world had reason to believe things would get better.

Whitney released I Look To You, her first #1 album since The Bodyguard and while not a mega success; it is solid and a step in the right direction and we have reason to think things will get better.

So what are the lessons of Whitney and America?

In this first decade, we saw the elevation of individualism over compassion, profit over quality and technology over thought. This toxic mix gave birth to the unholy creatures of talentless fame, hateful religion, invidious sexuality, regressive self-hatred and media whore-ism.

And yet, we persevere.

We even thrive, because the one thing that was true in the last century has been true in all of them: the human spirit is indomitable. Society bends but it never breaks and for this we can all have hope-- for no change.

In 2010, Whitney will release a 25th Anniversary edition of her first album, celebrating her career.

America will release universal health care.

Let us hope they are both successful.

DEVIL MAKES DEAL WITH PAT ROBERTSON!


The Prince Of Darkness Confesses To Long Term Contract With The King Of Stupidity.

by Ronnie Dyson - Supernatural Editor.

NEW YORK - The Devil is speaking out on the disaster in Haiti and comments made by televangelist Pat Robertson. Robertson, 80, said recently that the country of Haiti was being punished because it made a deal with Satan during the French occupation and now Beelzebub was calling in his debt.

We reached out to Satan through our Republican connections and got an exclusive interview with the Fallen Angel.

"It's absolutely not true," said Satan, (age undetermined) I made no deal with the Haitians, my deal was with Pat Robertson.

When we asked why Robertson would lie, Satan just said "Duh!"


Deal or no deal?

Satan says the substance of the deal is as follows: Robertson wanted power and a base from which to spew racist hateful and divisive speech with impunity. "Think about it," said Satan, "He has a religious platform, wraps himself in the Bible but all he does is say evil things. That's me all over." Robertson also asked not to pay taxes and wanted a comfy office chair and some shiny objects.

We remarked to Satan that this was an unprecedented thing to say that Robertson who has devoted his life to the church was in league with the Devil. And that it would dishearten millions.

"What do you want from me?" said Satan. "People are stupid. Some guy says he's a Christian but all he does is denigrate his fellow man, build idols from money, lie and tells you who it's okay to hate in the name of God. You know who you can hate in God's name? No one. Not even me. By the way, all you people who pray for me, stop it. I can barely hear by Lady Gaga CD."

When asked about the earthquake, Satan became very angry. "I didn't do it!" He said. "Every time something bad happens, I get blamed. All I care about is people losing their faith in the crisis but I don't bring the crisis." Haiti in ruins

Satan also said that he's sure God didn't cause the quake either. "When when you talking monkeys accept that this is your world and we're just watching the show?"

Satan did, however, confess to creating America's Got Talent.

The Son of Morning also said he had similar deals with half of Congress, Rush Limbaugh and Simon Cowell who he said was "a chip off the old block."

Robertson called Satan's accusations "Ridiculous" and said he is pledged to the Lord. Satan's just laughed at this and said: "That's my boy."

A THOUSAND WORDS


If a picture is really worth a thousand words, then Harry Reid was right.

Senator Reid said President Obama was elected in part because he was light-skinned. No one knows why he said it. Maybe he’s got Alzheimer’s. (I bet he wishes he didn't screw up that health care bill now, huh?)

Anyway, I’ve heard two reactions to this. The first is outrage: “How dare he?!” The second is a sad agreement with the notion: “It’s true but I wish it wasn’t.” At the same time, your government is asking you whether you’re Black, Negro or African American. (I have this dream where Obama gets a tan then starts talking like Snoop Dog)

Outrage and sadness aside, a look at some of the images of Black men in the media suggests why Senator Reid made the statement.

Remember OJ Simpson’s Time Magazine cover? It was darkened to make him look more “menacing.” Because, you know, a double murder wasn’t enough to scare people. OJ had sex with a white woman and killed her and this was not the act of a brown-skinned man, so they had to darken him, lest we all be awakened from our dream where everything light is good and everything dark is bad.

Tiger Woods is on the cover of Vanity Fair. His image was darkened by Annie Lebowitz but only after the sex scandal was uncovered. Because, you know, that whole out of control penis thing is the province of dark men and their animal sexuality. Tiger Woods a thug? Give me a break. But Tiger as sexual predator could not be consistent with his buttery brown appearance so he had to be darker to sell the act.

And then there’s the Christmas Day Bomber on the Newsweek cover. It doesn’t look darkened because already he’s dark enough. Imagine the confusion in the media room when they saw him. “Turn off Photoshop! We don’t need it this time.”

When it happened, your media was quick to show this unfortunate kid's face and plastered him all over creation. Not that they shouldn’t but I always find it interesting, the subtle notion that when a white person kills it’s against their nature but when a dark one kills, it’s consistent therewith.

Contrast these covers to Tim McVeigh who killed 168 people many of them children in a daycare center in 1995. The cover of Time appeared with the question, “Should He Die?” We executed McVeigh but during the trial all the media talked about was his “boyish good looks” and alluded to the inconsistencies between his appearance and his murderous act.

Hey maybe the problem is Time and Newsweek! They seem to be deceptive and obsessed with dark skin. This doesn’t explain why all the other magazines and papers do it or why sometimes the Black people on Ebony and Essence are some golden color that doesn’t exist anywhere in the human population.

Across the country in the Black community recently, there have been “light-skinned” parties. Some even pit dark-skinned women against “redbones,” a nice, colorful term (no pun intended) for mixed race women. The Black community is so protective of our dirty laundry and yet the sickness of it seems to be passed along with each generation.

A paper bag party in 2010? (It occurs to me that Barrack would get in but his wife wouldn’t.)

When Barrack Obama got into office and assembled his team, there was grumbling that all of the black people he appointed were light-skinned. I wonder what Senator Reid would think of that? “Good going Barrack, that Eric Holder looks just like Harry Belafonte.”

This notion was raised again briefly when Roland Burris accepted the Senate job in Illinois and it was widely speculated that Obama wanted Valerie Jarrett for the post. (Burris dark, Jarrett light) We should have known that the first man of color in the White House would bring all of the laundry (dirty and clean) to the job.

I’ve talked ad nauseum about the image and imagery of darkness. But for those of you who didn’t see it:

1. Our anthropological fear of the unknown is hardwired into our most basic instincts.
2. Darkness takes away the sense we are most dependent upon: sight.
3. And so we fear the darkness.
4. We assign a negative value to darkness in imagery and metaphor and ultimately,
5. The image, the personification of darkness scares us in ways both subtle and profound.


How long, people?

When are we going to evolve beyond this simple-minded and counter-productive behavior? When will we look that scared little primate in the eyes and yell, “Stop it!” And more importantly, why can’t we seem to do it? If black people, who know this is a problem, can’t get away from negative color-value assignment, then how can we hope that anyone else will do it?

Yes, Harry Reid was right. A lighter-skinned black man is perceived as more intelligent and less threatening than a dark one. He is closer to white, you see and for many, black and white, that is better. You just don’t say it out loud, Harry.

And if his manner of speech is in a cadence that is linked to darkness, it will invoke the primal fear and weigh him down and diminish his persona in the eyes of some. You just don’t say it in public, Senator.

But maybe we should. Maybe Harry Reid’s foot-in-mouth moment can be a teachable one. We keep talking about a dialogue on race but we never get to it.

The way we treat people in the media shows how we still hold to basic notions of light as good and dark as evil. That may be fine in Harry Potter and Twilight books but in life it’s a little more complicated.

In the end, it’s an equation that can only be solved by the mathematics of compassionate humanity.

And in case you haven’t been counting.

This note is exactly a thousand words.

THREE BOTHERS AND A WHITE WOMAN


The Title Of This Note Sounds
Like A Joke But It Isn't.

I hate politics. I’ve been an independent since 1980 and I feel both major parties have sold out the public.

But even I am shocked at the royal ass-kicking handed out to the Democrats yesterday in Massachusetts. Some guy named Scott Brown beat Obama-backed Martha Coakley to win the late Senator Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, which had been occupied by a Democrat for over fifty years! In their loss, the Dems may have anointed the man who will unify the Republican Party.

The Republicans are celebrating and gloating because you know, that's what they’re best at when they’re not dehumanizing people and perverting religion. And why not? Coakley blew a double digit lead and lost in astounding fashion. Who does she think she is, the San Diego Chargers?

But it is not this race alone that has my lather up. It is the other people the President and the Democrats did not back in other recent elections and political situations.

A man challenged Mike Bloomberg for mayor of New York and lost by only five points and won Brooklyn even though Bloomberg spent $100 million dollars of his own money in the campaign.

His name is William Thompson.

And he is black.

Why didn’t the President or Vice President campaign for Thompson? After all, he’s a Democrat and Bloomberg is a Republican. Thompson is even light-skinned and speaks without a Negro dialect. Could it be because Bloomberg is a billionaire? That would put money over party, ideology and race. Now that's a joke.

More troubling still was the non-support for two other black men by the Democrats: Senator Roland Burris and Governor David Paterson. Burris was asked not to take his seat and Paterson was asked not to run. The reason given to them was that their (white) predecessors were linked to scandal. They each defied the President's wishes and kept their offices.

A black Mayor, Senator and Governor all denied help and even told to hit the road by a black President and a Democratic administration?

Am I dreaming?

Martha Coakley got full White House support then got her ass handed to her by a man who used to be a male model in the one of the most Democratic states in the country.

Somebody help me.

Are the Democrats going to screw this up, too?

Are they really elitist jerks who are out of touch with reality?

Did Obama's condemnation of the Cambridge Police in the Skip Gates arrest come back to haunt him?

If I was still black, Obama's non-support of three black men would enrage me. But since I'm not, it just makes me feel warm and fuzzy, like a nice sweater.

Maybe I don't get it.

Or maybe the wheels are coming off the bus.

Which means the joke is really on us all.

THE UNITED STATES OF INCORPORATED


FASCISM - pronounced /ˈfæʃɪzəm/, is a political ideology that seeks to combine radical and authoritarian nationalism with a corporatist economic system.

The Supreme Court in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission. decided that corporations are no longer prohibited from using their money to favor a political candidate and influence elections more than they already do.

Could this be a reaction to the fact that conservatives lost the last election and now want to use corporate money to blow out the opposition who tend to ask individuals for donations?

This decision is evil, dishonest and the boldest step toward fascism this country has taken in a century.

But on the bright side: just think of the funny ads!

It’s a little known fact that the Supreme Court does not have to be nine justices. Nine just somehow became the acceptable number. But the country has grown and so I think we should add another two justices while the adults are still in control.

How about we add Bill Clinton (Yes a former President can do this see, Taft William Howard) and Al Gore? Or Sean Penn and George Clooney (You don’t have to be a lawyer to be on the court either)

Okay maybe not the actors but how about one of the many liberal and centrist judges out there who’ve been waiting for one of these bastards to die.

I don’t know what’s going to get us mad enough to start a peaceful revolution in this country. No one seems to want to believe that sinister forces are at work in our times or that they mean to steal our liberty and our freedom. Maybe we have to wait until movies cost $20 and there are only nine flavors instead of 31 to get it.

Corporations are not people, they are intellectual properties which are controlled by a few select people and those people should not wield more power than you or me just because of this bullshit legal fiction.

We can’t trust a company board to have our best interest at heart. Their only job and loyalty is to the shareholders. Companies don’t die in wars and they can’t pledge allegiance. They have no God and no moral center. And yet we seek to empower them.

Isn’t it enough that we have to suffer company names on our sports stadiums and college bowl games? I mean really, the “Tostitos Fiesta Bowl!! Just shoot me.

Why not sell everything American? How about Walmart’s President’s Day or Martin Luther King Day brought to you by KFC? Nike's Mt. Rushmore and General Foods' Grand Canyon. And Bank Of America wouldn't have to change its name at all.

We could sell our votes for real and even haggle outside the voting booth for better prices. Our country could become the ultimate capitalist nation, one where freedom, justice and liberty all have a price. Think of it. If you're rich and famous, you can live above the law and even buy your way out of murder.



Wait a minute! It's already like that, isn't it?

Anyway, this court decision is one of the worst in decades and this court one of the dumbest in history. Those robes and the stoic expression don't fool me. You guys are as dumb as those dudes from Jackass. Political Ideology and agenda has taken precedence over judicial intellect and integrity and has turned the third branch into a joke.

We can only hope that our beloved Congress will do something about this.

As soon as they take the barcode off the side of the Capitol Building.