a thousand words

Friday, May 28, 2010



WASHINGTON D.C. - After the scandal involving noted black scholar Henry Louis Gates, President Obama signed Executive Order 454 that allows all African Americans the unfettered power to harass and assault whites in America. It is being called The African American Retribution Law.

White congressmen were outraged, calling the order offensive and a slap in the face of democracy. “This is ridiculous!” said ultra conservative Senator Sam Brownback, (R) Kansas. “Even though these orders are largely symbolic, it still has the force of law. It’s open season on whites.”

Rush Limbaugh called the order “typical,” and further stated of the Gates affair that “Just because a black man is in his own house, doesn’t mean he’s not stealing from it.” Limbaugh was still commenting when he was savagely beaten by a janitor and Republican Party Chairman, Michael Steele.

Black politicians see the order differently. “He’s just leveling the playing field,” said Gov. Deval Patrick (D) Massachusetts and long time Obama supporter. “This order is the kind of thing Malcolm X would have done. It’s a threat bound by humanity.”

Mayor Corey Booker (D) of Newark New Jersey said he would not take advantage of the order but noted that no white person would know that and would be respectful.

Other blacks are not quite so philosophical. “I’m fucking up every white person I see,” said
Detroit native LaSarius Green Jr. “I’m filled with self-righteous pigmentation.” Green probably meant “indignation” but his point is well taken.

Many white citizens are alarmed but most see the order as symbolic of the history of our nation. “There was a time when this was the unofficial law of America agaist all black people,” said Bill Maher popular talkshow host of Real Time with Bill Maher. “No one has attacked me and I think the only whites that have to worry are the assholes, and you know, the Republicans.”

The law has certainly impacted the daily lives of many. Former Vice President Dick Cheney fired all the blacks from his security detail only to be bitch slapped by a washroom attendant in his private club who was later described as “extremely light-skinned.” Fox News host Bill O'Reilly has been missing for three days and in the grocery store, Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima kicked the shit out of that guy on the Quaker Oats box.

Ironically, the call for tolerance has come from Henry Louis Gates himself. “We must not let our anger, no matter how justified, define us as a people,” said Gates. “We can be better than the oppressor of the past and the intolerant of today.”

“I feel that,” said LaSarius Green Jr. “But that don’t change my agenda. I’m on a tour.” When asked what kind of tour, Green said: “Me and my crew are on our way to Wall Street to kick ass and eat chitlins—and we all out of chitlins.”