a thousand words

Friday, May 28, 2010



by Ronnie Dyson - Super Freak Reporter

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FLA - While Tiger Woods issued a tearful mea culpa to select reporters at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse, announcing his return to golf, in the adjacent facility, his Manly Member was holding its own press conference.

Tiger's penis who prefers to be called "TWD" said he wanted the press and fans to know his side of the story. He didn't have a prepared statement and he allowed questions. Here is the chief section of the event:

TWD: First off, where the white women at?! (laughs) Just kidding. Let me say that I ain't sorry for nothing. I did what I was made to do. I hit all them bitches and I'd do it again, ya heard?

RD: But aren't you sorry for what you did to your family?

TWD: Hell no. They all gettin' cooled out. All this unemployment and economic strife and I'm not just bringing home the bacon, I got a truckload of hogs. I love my family but when daddy needs his, everybody gotta get with the program.

RD: So the marriage vows mean nothing to you?

TWD: You know men don't mean that shit! We say it because we have to. It should really be "love honor and don't let them hos text you at home."

RD: I'm appalled by that.

TWD: And I'm Tiger Woods' Dick, nigga. The Raging Cablasian. Ten under par and a billion over yo broke ass! I'm a ball-driving, club-swinging, money machine. I got the riches, so grease up the bitches!

RD: So you seem to think that money justifies everything.

TWD: I don't think it. I know it. This is America and that's all we care about. Tiger will win a couple of tournaments, go to the church of broken men, Oprah. Cry like a girl and then all will be forgiven. And once the money's rolling, so am I. Hide your daughters, your girlfriends and yo crippled mama!

RD: But how are you gonna live with your wife now that your infidelities have been exposed?

TWD: Me? I'ma be me. Tiger that fool is on his knees, begging, pleading going to sex rehab. I got two rules in my house. 1: Shut up, bitch. And 2: Bitch, shut the fuck up! Tiger ain't the man. Ironically, he's a pussy.

RD: You mean because she beat him up?

TWD: Could you believe that shit, man? Got his ass whupped! But did she kick him in the balls? Hit the balls? Did she come anywhere near my shit? Thank you. That bitch is Swedish, not stupid.

RD: What about the sex rehab?

TWD: I'm glad you asked that. Ain't no such thing as sex addiction. That's some shit made up by doctors and women who can't take care of their man. How you gon' be addicted to sex? That's like being addicted to air! It's bullshit, a fallacy, like health care with no public option.

RD: But why would you and Tiger have sex with so many women and at such a great risk?

TWD: Let's see... I'm young rich and famous. I could have sex with just one woman until I die. Naw, I think I'll take door number two with the unlimited ass, Chuck. Come on man, get real. Ain't a man out there who wouldn't do what I did if he had the chance. And anyone that says different is a liar-- or gay-- or in the Tea Party.

RD: Any closing remarks?

TWD: Just that I wouldn't believe anything Tiger says in his press conference. He would do anything to be famous and loved again. Me, all I need is a condom, a little blood and a moment of weakness. See you on the green, baby.