a thousand words

Thursday, October 21, 2010

BLACK PEOPLE NEED A TEA PARTY


The Crazy, Militant Faction Of The Conservative Movement Makes Me Believe That My People Could Use A Little Crazy And A Lot Of Militancy.

In his excellent article What If The Tea Party Were Black? Tim Wise wonders what America would do if black folk acted like the Tea Party.
I would rejoice.
Not that I'm fond of funny hats or misspelled signs or anything. What makes me smile about this fantasy is black people coming together and getting mad about shit. I want black folks to stop voting out of tired ideology and old allegiances that have yielded nothing but more empty promises. I want black people to get mad about the failure of government, the rewarding of greed, theft, dishonesty, immorality and stupidity.
Like them or not, the Tea Party has balls. I'm not joining but then again I'm a fierce independent and fiercer cynic. Still I like them because they dare to speak out. Even if it's loud, disassociated speaking out, at least they are doing it and not cowering in a corner and Waiting For Superman
"But Gary you say the Tea Party is crazy and racist! Didn't you hear them say it on CNN, MSNBC and Fox News?"
Yes, I did but when was the last time they all agreed on anything? And why do they agree on this?
Ladies and Gentlemen it's time for a little American History: (Cue Ragtime music)
"They are racist! They are nuts! They want to turn back the clock! They are for only the rich, elite, power-brokers and against the common man!"
These statements are not about the Tea Party but were said about the Democratic Party in the 1800's.
Later, In the 1850s, under the stress of the Fugitive Slave Act and the Kansas-Nebraska Act, two laws that perpetuated slavery, anti-slavery Democrats left the party, Joining with former members of existing or dwindling parties, the Republican Party emerged from this. They elected Lincoln and ended slavery. (Yeah, I know it's complicated but I don't have time to go into all that)
The Republicans flourished, became the party of The Establishment, turned against black people and aligned themselves with greedy bankers and bigots. Then they presided over the Great Depression so black people went back to the now black-friendly Democrats who needed votes. FDR was elected, started the New Deal and we've been in the pocket ever since.
During this time, I can make the arguments that : A. the Democrats have presided over the biggest black prison population in the history of the world and have sided against a black President, and B. The Republicans have reversed the Civil Rights Movement and worked against black prosperity in general.
So, if the Tea Party is racist then: They are just like every other American Party at some point in history. And if they are not, then they are head and shoulders over both major parties.
Either way, the argument is bullshit.
But I understand it. If I had an enemy that threatened me, I'd use the super-guaranteed, all-purpose American badge of racism to stop them. We know it exists but it's never our fault or responsibility. It gets just about all the blacks to go along and allows white people to use those last vapors of racial guilt to stop their brains from working and blame some other white person. (End music)
So what would The Black Tea Party Do?
Well first we'd have much cooler hats. I wouldn't be caught dead in one of those three pointed jobs. Although I do dig the feathers! We can even have clever slogans like "We're AmeriCANS, not AmeriCANT'S!
Next, we could try to save the black church. We could get mad and say that after three hundred years of being led by religious men, that we have come to ruin. The churches are filled with greedy, sinful hypocrites, homosexual homophobes and political whores who just want to keep on living large off the money of the hopeful and get in the way of the churches that want to save souls and help people.
To this end, prosperity religion must end. God wants my money? Are you serious? God wants me to give a man dressed in a $3,000 suit my hard earned cash. He wants me to be good and in return He will grant me grace and success on earth? People, does anyone really believe this? My father said life was God's only gift and your reward was in the next life. Who the hell said God was giving out grants and spiritual pay day loans? And didn't Jesus want his followers to give up all possession?
The "MoneyChurch" must end or it will end black people. You don't horse-trade with God and His Love is not an ATM machine that dispenses cash, jobs and husbands. If this life is hard, we made it that way and only because we have (say it with me) fallen short of His Glory.
We could also break away from the false notion of black liberalism. Black people are a mix of conservative and progressive values, just ask the gay marriage advocates in California. We are liberal on one main issue only, freedom. By and large, black folk believe in responsible government, family, faith and many other so-called conservative values. What we don't like is bullshit and there's plenty of that these days. Hey, there's another clever slogan: Black: The Opposite Of Bullshit.
Another great Black Tea Party reform could be the end of down low homosexuality. We could insist that if you're gay you come out or we force you out. This way no one has to be shamed and live in fear and any woman that wanted to be married to a man who also has sex with men could make that choice. The CDC and HIV Prevention Groups would love this as black women now lead in new AIDS cases in part because of this practice. We must be bigger, people. Some of the best and brightest in our race have been homosexual. If we took away their accomplishments and leadership, we'd probably still be slaves.
I know this one is very controversial but the Black Tea Party could also bring back real black music and good singers. We stop the singing and rapping about fuc--g and all the derogatory stuff against women. And if you can't do it, then you don't have a career. I hear they're hiring at Chick Fill-A. Oh yeah and no more autotune, dammit!
Embrace the word nigger. Yes not ban it but embrace it. No more giving the word power and using it to sell stuff. If we continue to martyr the word it will always have control over us. Come on niggas, give it a shot!
And lastly, we must reclaim our nobility. We used to be the beacon that led the way for America. Black people were always the ones who called it straight and had no reason to bullshit people. And because we were oppressed, we didn't want anyone else to be oppressed. We were nothing less than the conscious of the community, the living soul of America.
This is why so many Americans are mad at the President because they expected this and have, in their eyes, not seen it. A black woman at a town hall meeting humbled the President with her sincere and heartfelt disappointment.
We cannot continue to embrace this tired notion that we need to protect each others' failures, bad behavior, criminality, hypocrisy and bad singing. So often we feel that the lowered bar is all we have. You can turn lemons in to lemonade but you cannot turn wretchedness and self hate into prosperity, love and art. But maybe you can make some tea.
copyright 2010

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Chicken, The Egg And Eddie Long

Eddie Long And His Problem Is The Tip Of A Very Big Iceberg That We Do Not Speak Of Very Often.

Eddie Long addressed his people and the people (10,000) lined up with gold-leafed bibles and prayer cloths to ask for tolerance and forgiveness for Eddie Long. When one man asked for the truth, he was thrown out. Others ask not to convict the man before he’s proven guilty. This happens every time a man of God is accused with molestation or other misbehavior.

But ask yourself this: in all those other accusations, how many times has it NOT been true?
The answer is almost never. So, I don't wonder if he did it. Chances are he did. Now it's all about getting him out of it so the money can keep flowing in that church. If you want a more sympathetic view read Goldie Taylor's excellent blog here.

So before the payoffs begin, before people plaster religion over their denial and refuse to see what’s in front of them, let this, my most humble FB page, be a place where someone looks beyond the bullshit to something more important.

I am concerned with things more troublesome than another fake, homophobic self-hating gay republican minister. I worry about the root of this problem.

There is a history of sexual abuse that goes all the way back to slavery. The master raped his slaves then enslaved his own children. Black men were forced to have sex with different women without love commitment or jumping a broom. And we can only surmise that many slave masters were homosexual and raped male slaves. And after freedom, we carried these scars into an uncertain future.

Flash-forward to the rampant incarceration of black males in the 1980’s and 90’s during the creation of the prison industrial complex, when America’s phony “war on drugs” was used to end the progression of post-civil rights black America. Affirmative action was halted, discrimination laws relaxed and businesses allowed to ship jobs overseas. When unemployment soared, black men were left with few choices. And if they chose to use drugs in their despair (or weakness), then simple possession laws suddenly carried penalties that rivaled major violent felonies. Men were taken away from their families and communities and put into a burgeoning prison system which broke their spirit and awakened the aforementioned baggage of slavery.

Within the prison population that incarcerates 10.4% of the black male population, there is widespread sexual abuse and forced homosexual behavior. Some years later, this wholesale incarceration of black men led to a corresponding rise in reported male molestation in the black community. Many men admitted in a study (see below) that they are not homosexual but occasionally engaged in sex with men and in almost every case, they were introduced to this behavior by force or coerced by a trusted adult, like a minister of a mega church.

Understand that this is not a myth. It is fact proven with hard numbers and lives lost and turned asunder. A black man goes to prison under an unfair and unjust system. He is molested. He gets out and he in turn molests a boy, who molests another and so on. The studies show that within the black community that casual molestation inflicted upon fatherless boys became almost commonplace, Many victimized young men suffered from self-hatred, depression, suicidal thoughts. Also many of them carried resentment of women which came from resentment of traditional sexual roles. (And although this was not in the study, I say this anti-woman notion was reinforced by hip hop images and lyrics.) See, Childhood Sexual Abuse in Black Men who have Sex with Men: Results from three Qualitative Pilot Studies. Sheldon D. Fields, PhD, David Malebranche, MD, Sonja Feist-Price, PhD.

It is an almost Shakespearean tragedy: The same country that freed us, kept us in a constant state of legal oppression, within a cycle of poverty and subject to new and improved forms of slavery that kept the problems alive and allowed them to mutate until they were absorbed into our culture, thus proving the very false racist notions which justified our original enslavement.

Outrageous, you say? Ridiculous that prison culture could influence the greatness of Black America? Then were did the baggy pants style come from? Where did the “no snitching rule” come from? Rap tunes celebrating the strength of doing time? Prison tats? The rising HIV infection rates of black women?

We have survived many terrible things in this country but the shadow of our past is never far behind, it seems. And every time we slow down, it overtakes us.

I thought Eddie Long represented everything that was wrong with the church. Now it seems he also represents what’s wrong with black society. But which came first? Is Eddie Long a chicken laying eggs filled with abuse or is he himself a victim, an egg that matured to wreak havoc upon others?

Copyright 2010

Thursday, September 23, 2010

BLACK MAN ACCUSED OF STEALING THE MOON!


When Things Go Wrong, It has Become An American Right To Blame Black People For It.

CANARY ISLANDS - Scientist at the Gran Telescopio Canarias, the world's biggest telescope have reported that the moon has been stolen. American military and world science organizations have been notified that it was taken by a black man.

Professor Ross Orcopio of Italy said that he was watching the skies on the midnight shift when he saw "a big black hand grab the moon."

"This is utter bullshit," said Captain Roscoe Jones of the 82nd Airborne. "Every time something goes wrong they blame a black man. I'm tired of it."

Jones has a point as several white men murdered their wives and blamed it on black men, a corrupt collegiate system was blamed on Reggie Bush and a woman threw acid in her own face and blamed in on a black person. But there's one man at the telescope installation who disagrees.

"I saw the nigga take it," says Kaleem Mhia, a night janitor. The brother took the moon and stuffed it into the biggest brown paper bag I'd ever seen."

Cornell West noted scholar and Black historian says the whole think is a hoax. "First of all, if you took the moon, the planets would shift in their rotations, mountains would crumble, oceans would flood the earth and we'd all be dead. Second, the uniquely American notion that dark skin carries with it connotations of evil and sin has always been readily aceeptable to most people. It has been used to blame black folk for everything from murder to rotten eggs."

Police and military say they accept the scientific argument but still ran a series of raids in black neighborhoods to find the moon. "We're doing body cavity searches," said Sgt. Lenny Henderson of the LAPD. "You be surprised at what some of these people can hide up their asses."

Jesse Jackson and Reverend Al Sharpton both expressed outrage at the allegation saying at a press conference that "it was the very fabric of racism at play here." But after the conference, unaware that the mic was still on, Sharpton was heard to say "I wonder what fool-ass brother tried to get away with this shit?" Jackson was heard to say that he still wanted to cut off Obama's balls.

Republicans and Democrats were quick to disagree about how to replace the moon. Republicans said a tax cut for billionaires would free up money to do a study while Democrats countered with setting Rush Limbaugh on fire and "shooting his fat ass into orbit."

While everyone is baffled janitor Mhia offers a simple solution. "Just look for a nigga with a big ass paper bag."

copyright 2010

MUSLIMS AND CHRISTIANS AGREE TO PEACE ON KORAN BURNING DECIDE TO BURN SHITTY AUTONED CD'S INSTEAD.


With The World On Pins And Needles, A Minister And A Muslin Decide Shitty Music Is Worse Than Eternal Damnation.

Iran - After a tense week, controversial Florida Minister Rev. Terry Jones and Muslim leaders agree that no one will burn the Holy Koran on September 11th. Instead, Jones and Muslim leaders agree to an international day to "rid the world of fake-ass non-signing autotune singers" who have no talent and suck the life out of music.

Autotune is a device that allows people with no talent to sing on key. It also masks people with bad voices and no sense of rhythm. It has been called the musical equivalent of steroids. American music was a product of American freedom drawing musical styles from all over the world and giving birth to jazz, blues, country and rock. But now our desire to worship imagery and not talent is threatening the very future of music.

So as religious tension looms, leaders from all around the world came to the brink of violence only to realize that what's really ailing the world is shitty ass singers.

"These people are musical infidels," says Iranian President President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. "I especially hate that Justin Bieber. Someone should smack him very hard."

"What I don't understand is why people who can actually sing, like Usher, use the damned thing," said Big Willie Thornton, 75, legendary blues singer. "Hell, that's like painting you Bently yellow."

Rev. Jones

"The peace accord happened completely by accident when Reverend Jones stumbles upon a live performance by singer Katy Perry who often uses auto tune. "First she was singing about kissing a girl and liking it," said Reverend Jones and then the autotune went out and it was like some one was pissing hot fire in my ears. The only thing worse than a lesbian is one that can't sing!"

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he wants to sanction the use of the device. "You sing with autotune and we cut out your vocal cords. We are big on cutting off body parts in Iran. Of course, this would only be for the women," he quickly added.

President Obama lauded the peace accord. Then he quickly condemned autotune but defended people's right to use it in the same sentence, rendering his statement meaningless.

The Republicans moved to make the company that manufactures autotune immune from any adverse laws then realized that they are made in China.

Everyone is breathing a sigh of relief over what could have been a nasty confrontation but a lot of pop singers will be upset when they see their music go up in flames.

"Good riddance!" says Pastor Jones. "And next, we're gonna see what we can do about those asses from "The Jersey Shore."

copyright 2010

Monday, August 23, 2010



BREAKING NEWS: APPLE AND GOOGLE MAKE BIDS FOR THE N-WORD!

Two Global Corporate Titans Have Made Million Dollar Offers To Own The Most Notorious Word In The History Of America.

by Gary Hardwick on Tuesday, August 17, 2010 at 12:24pm


NEW YORK - Only days after LaSarius Green Jr.'s annouced he owned the word nigger, two business giants and arch rivals have made bids for the controversial word.
Apple Computers and Google Systems have both expressed interest in owning the word that was once awful and taboo but is now just a highly recognized brand.

Steve jobs, Apple CEO said "We here at Apple have long understood how branding is important. This word which has had a long and checkered past can now be a beacon of enlightenment nd freedom for generations to come. It just makes sense Nigger and Apple. It flows from the tongue."
Eric E. Schmidt Google Chairman and CEO is just as adamant. "Google is the brand of the future. We have added our name to the world lexicon. We will take the word nigger and make it a household phenominon. Children will be saying it before they say 'mommy' and it will be a pathway to a great future. We here at Google were once the niggers of the digital worls and look at us now. We know what it's like to have the blues and we want that word and we'll get it!"
Sources report that the offer for the word is somehwre between $25 and $75 million.

LaSarius Green Jr. owner of the word says that he is flattered but has no plans to sell the n-word. "I'm doing fine," says Green. "Hell, I might even buy a shirt."

NIGGER INCORPORATED

With A Rash Of White Celebrities Using The Forbidden Word Lately, One Man Has Made His Dream Come True By Obtaining A Copyright On The N-Word

by Gary Hardwick on Friday, August 13, 2010 at 6:59pm

HOLLYWOOD - At a table read this week producer Mark Gordon used the word nigger while doing a scene from the film Blazing Sad

dles, Dr. Laura on her program used the word nigger seven times in a five minute period, even asking why whites can't say it if blacks do? Mel Gibson famously told his estranged wife she would get raped by a pack of niggers and we all remember Michael Richard's famous rant at a comedy club.

LaSarius Green Jr. noted activist and shirtless man has been trying to copyright the N-word for ten years. This week in Superior Court he finally got his wish.

"My argument," says Green, 33, "was that white people ar

e using the word without retribution. This means it's no longer a bad word and can be used as intellectual property."

Green immediately licensed the word and started a company called Nigger Incorporated. Their motto is "Just say it."

Since the President took office, race has been percolating under everything we do. "White people have become angrier and angrier," says Green. "They don't feel superior anymore when they see a black President and the next thing you know, they yelling Nigga!" Green also pointed out that his copyright extends to nigga, nig, nugga and nucka. He also has cases pending to own spook,coon splib, spoogie, darkie, coon and jungle bunny.

Nigger Incorporated hopes to bring back some of the popular "nigger products" of the early l900's only modernized. Green has many products planned including a soft drink, a phone and a car he wants to call The Whip.

Sources report that Green is getting offers in the millions to license his new word. He also wants a royalty every time it's uttered. He says a fair fee is $12.50 per use. "Shit, Quentin Tarrantino and Samuel L Jackson gonna owe me big!" exclaimed Green.

Everyone isn't happy about this, however. "I find the N-word completely offensive," said a popular black comedian. "Also, I can't make a living if the word isn't bad. I'll have to throw out half my act." The KKK and several rap labels have also threatened to file suit if the word isn't allowed to stay offensive.

Others are quite happy about the ruling. "This is great!" said Ben Jealous, President of the NAACP, "Now we can let the "N stand for what everyone is always thinking." Also elated were many anonymous white people who said they hate how the Blacks change their name every forty years or so. "This way, we'll always know what to call them," said a New Jersey woman.

A Times CNN poll showed that 57% of Blacks favored taking the stigma out of the word while 40% said no. The other 3% are still trying to figure out if Mariah Carey and Drake are black or white.

No one can say how all this will play out but one thing's for sure. Nothing in America will be the same.

Green had some final words for people who think they can use his word without compensation.

"Nigger, please."

Copyright 2010

Thursday, August 5, 2010

INTERVIEW WITH LOUIS BULLOCK

The Lucky Lad Speaks Out On Being Adopted By White People, Jesse James
and Poopy Pants


I sat down with Louis while the nanny was taking a break. He was wearing a New Orleans Saints "Who Dat" baby tee and a cloth diaper.


GH: Hello, Louis.

LB: What it do, brother?

GH: Right, it do fine.

LB: Good to hear it.

GH: So, wow quite a year for you, huh?

LB: Yeah, I thought the whole coming to life thing was big but being adopted by a celebrity? Didn't see that one coming.

GH: Do they know you can talk?

LB: Naw, I didn't wanna scare anybody. But one day, I saw those Tea Party guys on TV and I yelled out "Idiots!" and mom didn't know where it came from.

GH: So, speaking of which, how is she?

LB: She's good. She was sad for a minute but she's strong. And she smells good too, like all the time!

GH: How do you feel about the whole interracial thing?

LB: I just wanna say, all the people complaining about her being white need to shut up. Nobody's perfect. A baby is a lifetime commitment and no one who adopts one is to be criticized, except well, that Angelina lady is a piece of work. Dodged that bullet, ha ha!

GH: So I hear you only wear cloth diapers.

LB: Yeah man, I got it good, no poopy in plastic for Louis. Only the best for my No. 2. By the way I wanna apologize for making in my pants. I mean, I can talk but I got no real motor skills, kinda like that Dick Clark guy.

GH: So I hear you're already planning some kind of confab with the other black adoptees.

LB: Oh you know I am. We're gonna take over this game. Bullock, Spielberg, Pitt-Jolie, Jackman, Pfeiffer, Madonna? It's on in 2021, baby.

GH: Okay, I have to ask about Jesse James.

LB: You don't have to but go on. I got this.

GH: Okay, so would you mind being raised by him with the controversy, Nazi stuff and all?

LB: Look, not long ago I was headed for a life no one would envy, then the goodness of this woman saved me. She's got a big heart but I don't know if it's that big. But for me, I'm all about forgiveness. It's the way you know. Then again I shit my pants, so consider the source.

Copyright 2010

THE BLACK WOMAN BACKLASH AND THE WILLIE LYNCH LETTER

This Battle Of The Sexes Is A
War No One's Gonna Win.


I've had it, fellas.

I'm tired of all the finger-pointing, pontificating, soap-boxing and philosophizing about black women and why they are struggling with relationships.

I've had it, ladies.

I'm tired of all the whining, denial, accusation and unilateral logic that goes into why we are in this predicament.

And before you think to hit the comment button and except yourself from this discussion, I'm saying right now that no one is excepted. And I don't want to hear any "I'm talking about a certain group of women or men" either. This is just another cowardly dodge to hurl a dagger then hide behind subjectivity. I am generalizing as that is the only way to have an intellectual discussion and not place ourselves above the other inferior men and women who are not here-- and thereby we learn nothing.

We are all in this shit together.

There is a backlash against black women. If you Google "black relationships" you will find an avalanche of articles talking about how black women can't find men and then going on to outline why.

All of the attention has focused on women this time, their attitudes, their weight, their hair, their outlook, their sexuality, their spirituality or lack of it.

A generation ago, it was black men who were the scapegoats for the crumbling black family and culture. All of the articles were about how deficient, stupid, lazy and evil we were and how women were the innocent victims. Now it's the other way around with black women being cast as arrogant, man-hating vagina tyrants and black men as put upon good guys just looking for love.

It's bullshit. And we all know it.

Everyone in America is struggling with relationships. The overall numbers are not good for any group but as usual for us, the stats are devastating.

I have a radical suggestion for you fellas: Maybe women are not to blame.

And ladies I have the same suggestion for you: Maybe the men are not at fault.

Who would benefit from black men and women going at one another? Certainly not us.

In 1712, a man named Willie Lynch purportedly gave a speech outlining a plan that would forever keep the black slave weak, ignorant, dependent and self-hating. This plan went into effect and stayed there for over a hundred years. This is the sum of it:
Don't forget you must pitch the dark skinned slaves versus. the light skin slaves. You must use the female versus the male, and the male versus, the female. My plan is guaranteed, and the good thing about this plan is that if used intensely for one year the slave will remain perpetually distrustful.

After we were freed, our minds remained enslaved to this conditioning. Over the years, we have rebelled against it, fighting it with "black power," "black is beautiful" "say it loud" and the like.

And even with all of our enlightenment, we cannot see that the current trend in sister-bashing is just another evolution of Willie Lynch's genius and an opportunity for pandering dumb-asses to empty their bitterness and relationship failure into mean-spirited discussion.

Willie knew if women believed they were greater than their men that we'd never see eye to eye and no man would ever be good enough.

Willie knew that if black men hated themselves, and were denied opportunity to provide for their families, they would naturally turn away from their compliment and no black woman would ever be good enough.

And the real innovation of Lynch is that the program was self-perpetuating, that is, they only had to do it once and then we'd do it to ourselves.

Fellas, I guarantee you that if every black woman became submissive, skinny, white-looking and freaky it would not solve your problems in this country.

Ladies, I guarantee you that if every black man grew to 6"5, wealthy, God-fearing and endlessly romantic it would not solve your problems.

Unless we all release the Big Lie.

You see, if we turn away from all of the conditioning that teaches us to hate ourselves and punish all desire connected to ethnicity, then we effectively reboot our brains and our hearts.

Then we are everything we want and everything we need.

Because we set the standard.

Not those who would control us.

copyright 2010

OCHOCINCO PROPOSES TO TRANSPARENT WOMAN!

After Being Accused Of Throwing All
The Black Women Off His Dating Show,
The Flamboyant Footballer Finds The
"Ultimate White Woman."


NEW YORK - Ochocinco has finally found love. Chad Johnson who legally changed his name to his player number for the Cincinnati Bengals, proposed marriage to Kauncha Siamee, a model who was born with a rare skin disease that makes her transparent.

Ochocinco popped the question on the streets on Manhattan where he and his girlfriend turned heads and stopped traffic. Siamee's skin is see through so you can see all her organs and bones.

"It was beautiful," said one onlooker. "He dropped to his knee and everything."

"That was some sick shit," said another witness. "That bitch looks like the chart in my doctor's office."

Ochocinco became famous for a stint on ABC's Dancing With The Stars and a reality dating show where he dates multiple women.

But right after the show started, Ochocinco was accused of hating black women and preferring white ones on the show and in real life.

"I have a preference," said Ochocinco on The Wendy Williams Show. "And I'm entitled to like what I like. People should love me regardless of how ignorant I am."

Williams took exception, reminding the self-centered fake celebrity that his mother was black and that he is black too. Ochocinco didn't seem to think this was important.

Black women were angry with the sports star, noting that black women can be just as cheap and sleazy as white women and deserve the chance to whore themselves on national TV in an equal fashion.

"He's an idiot!" said LaTwindabenitta Nelson of Brooklyn. "I tried out for the show and was rejected. He said my name was ghetto. Ain't that a bitch. His name is a number and really it's wrong. Eighty-five in Spanish is ochenta y cinco, not ocho cinco, fool. Your name is eight five, dumb ass."

Ochocinco deflects the controversy saying that he loves everybody but he just loves white women more and what's wrong with that? In the end he is happy just to be with his new love.

"I'm in heaven!" said Ochocinco. "She's so white, I can't even see her!"

copyright 2010.

Friday, July 16, 2010

PRICE OF ASS SKYROCKETS AFTER TIGER WOODS' WIFE GETS $750 MILLION SETTLEMENT

Historic Divorce Settlement Sends Shockwaves Throughout The
World Booty Market.


WALL STREET - Ellin Woods' divorce from disgraced golfer Tiger Woods has tongues wagging all over the world. The jaw-dropping price-tag of $750 million has set a new record for celebrity divorces.

But it has also had an effect on the economy of sex. It seems hookers all over the world think that the Woods payout now entitles them to charge more for their services. And generally, all women believe the value of their sex organs has gone up.

"It just makes sense," says Etizia Brown a Vegas hooker whose professional name is Lickety Split. "Girlfriend got mega paid for boning a few years. I been flat-backing for a decade and it's time for a raise. Shit, I bet that Becky can't even s**k a decent d**k."

This was the prevailing view from working girls all over the globe. A Time/CNN poll showed that 95% of hookers think they are now underpaid. Hookers have raised their prices from Hong Kong to London. Correspondingly, porn stars are asking for more money as are the female anchors on Fox News.

At $750 million dollars with the average number of times a young couple has sex in a year (115) times five years, Tiger has paid about $7 million a pop.
PHD

"Dat's some serious cheese!" says Lorden Mastah, a Las Vegas Pimp and two time Player Of The Year. "Folks need to recognize the price is gone up and it's time to get paid!" The enterprising pimp is selling what he calls vagina futures. "Shoot the S&P 500 is gonna stand for "Serious Punany! Ha ha!"

"This is outrageous!" said actor and hooker maven Charlie Sheen. "Seven million for sex?! What has she got in that thing, a beachfront property and moon rocks? Hell, I'm gonna need a pay raise."

Wall Street Bankers were quick to get in on the act trying to monetize sex and make derivatives out of a woman sexual potential. They gave up the quest when they realized that everyone in American was already fucked.

Political activist and progressive Daniel Rennard of Cal Berkeley said the whole thing is crazy. "The criminalization of prostitution has always been about the oppression of women. As soon as men realized that sex was a vital need and women had the answer to it, we sought to make sex dirty, bad and illegal if you sold it. Prostitution should be legal and a woman should be able to sell (or rent) her body without societal blowback."
Cheaper To Keep Her

"If all women had this notion, we could take over the world in a day," says noted female advocate Gloria Stamp. "Men keep running this game on women. No one can cure breast and cervical cancer and other female problems but somehow we invented 37 pills to get a erection. If men had vaginas, not only would prostitution be legal, men would be bent over next to ATM's with credit card sliders strapped to their backs."

Rennard also suggested a new name for selling sex. "prostitute" has a negative connotation. Rennard suggests Professional Sex Provider (PSP) or Professor of Hedonist Desire (PHD)

Legal experts say Woods' big payout was primarily for Ellin's silence as Tiger tries to rebuild his empire.

No one knows for sure, but for the time being however, this is one economy that is not having a recession.


copyright 2010

PACK OF NIGGERS OUT TO GET MEL GIBSON!

After Hearing The Shocking Voicemail, A Band Of Shirtless Sex Crazed Brothers Target The Famous Actor

LOS ANGELES - Look out Braveheart, a gang of black men calling themselves P.O.N. (gotta stand for pack of niggers) have put out a hit on actor Mel Gibson.

As we all know, the actor left a voicemail insulting his girlfriend and babymama and said that if she got raped by a pack of niggers it would be her own fault.

P.O.N. who say they cannot control their natural animal sexual instincts, specialize in going buckwild on white girls but thought Gibson's comments were offensive.

"First of all," said P.O.N. leader Dr. Piston, "we ain't some fly by night rapist crew. We do it right and when a woman wants it, we deliver-- in spades."

"Mel done fucked up," said P.O.N. member Cyrus, "he said what he said like being in a band of sexually crazed black men is a bad thing. It's all a matter of perspective. One woman's gang bang is another woman's birthday present."

P.O.N. has vowed to catch Gibson then give him a dose of thug love.

"We ain't gay or nothing," said Dr. Piston, 'but we gonna ride him like a racehorse on Red Bull. Then we'll see what he has to say about the brothers."

Not all of the members of P.O.N. are so eager, though. P.O.N. member Rayshawn said he has doubts. "I really dig Mel's movies, ya know? I mean he was all Lethal Weapon Mad Max and shit but what he said really hurt me, so I guess in the end, I'd have to get all up in his man-gina but you know my heart won't be in it, you feel me?"

Our interview was then temporarily stopped when Rayshawn made a rude comment about Cyrus' mother in German and a scuffle broke out. Dr. Piston quickly quashed it.

Gibson's camp is not worried about the threat. PR sensation Polly Dans said "if we see them coming, we'll just toss a Popeye's Gift Card on the ground and watch them tear each other apart for it, or maybe we'll whip out a book and watch them burst into flames like vampires."

No matter what happens it's clear this story is not over yet.

Stay tuned.

copyright 2010

Sunday, July 11, 2010

MEL GIBSON APOLOGIZES TO JEWS, SAYS IT’S REALLY THE BLACKS HE HATES.

MEL GIBSON APOLOGIZES TO JEWS, SAYS IT’S REALLY THE BLACKS HE HATES.
AFTER DRUNKEN ANTI-SEMITIC RANT
BRAVEHEART CAUGHT ON TAPE SAYING HE HOPES HIS GIRLFRIEND "GETS RAPED BY A PACK NIGGERS."


MALIBU – After being arrested for DUI in Malibu three years ago, Passion of the Christ director Mel Gibson unleashed an angry anti-Semitic tirade against Jews. Hollywood has many prominent Jews in positions of power and the backlash has gutted Gibson’s film career.

Gibson has called in famous “Disaster” PR agent Polly Dans. Dans called an emergency meeting of the Mel Gibson brain trust to find a better target to deflect criticism of Gibson.

So Mel then went on to make racist comments to his girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva. According to Radar Online Gibson said: "You look like a Fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of niggers, it will be your fault."

“I’ve never liked the blacks,” said Gibson from an undisclosed rehab center. “I only drink so much because I’m constantly worried about some black spoogie robbing me and stealing my fancy car.”

Not stopping there, Gibson then blamed blacks for high gas prices, a sluggish economy and the poor performance of film, Knight and Day. When a critic told Gibson he had a lot of nerve, he responsed: "Yeah and they got a lot of unsold Father's Day Cards in Detroit."

The NAACP refused to comment calling Gibson’s statements an obvious smokescreen. Jesse Jackson and the Reverend Al Sharpton, however, each issued denouncing statements calling for a boycott of the famous actor. Sharpton said “Only some kind of cash payment will assuage my unforgivable anger.”

Executives in Hollywood seem slow to forgive but that has not deterred Team Gibson. “It’s a ridiculous,” said Dans, “Michael Vick got two years for hurting dogs. Chris Brown hurt Rhianna and got nothing.” When asked what this had to do with Gibson, Dans said. “Nothing, I’m just saying that blacks commit a lot of crimes and Mel is white.

It sounds silly but soon after Dans’s statement, several prominent executives were heard to say that Gibson was hot again and had never beaten a woman or killed a dog.

Gibson has several new projects including a remake of Roots with a twist ending where all the blacks remain slaves.

© 2010

THIS FACE

THIS FACE

At the grocery store the other day I saw three magazine covers featuring Michelle Obama.

It occurred to me that I've been seeing a lot of her lately. Then I realized that everyone has.

Very quietly one of the benefits of the presidency has been that this face is now the face of America.

This face is now a standard of beauty.

It stands for freedom and humanity.

This face represents strength and compassion and positive motherhood.

It fosters peace, fellowship and tolerance.

I have always known these things about faces like this.

And now the world knows it, too.



SEARCHING FOR FOXY

SEARCHING FOR FOXY
As The Icon Publishes Her Memoir, We Must Ask Ourselves Why Has There Not Been Another?

True Story: I met Pam Grier one day at the Century City mall. I saw her and ambled over to her section because you know, I have always loved ladies handbags. And there she was, Coffy, Friday Foster and then Jackie Brown. Well, she must have men of my generation looking at her with that puppy dog face all the time, because she stepped over, extended her hand and said: "Hi, I'm Pam." I shook her hand, mumbled something like "banana gas tank" and walked off.

This is what it means to be a movie star, people.

If by some chance you don't know who Pam Grier is, then stop reading now and go look her up because there isn't enough space on this page to explain. But you could say she is the Muhammad Ali of Black actresses.

Pam Grier left a filmography that has yet to be equaled by a modern actress of any color. Her roles were not only breakthroughs for blacks but for all women. Long before the action ladies of the 90's and the millennium there was Ms. Grier, packing heat, loaded with sexuality and occasionally, razorblades in her Afro.

More to the point, she was the first black sex symbol of the the post civil rights America. A woman of beauty, strength and conviction who stood for a generation of people of color and women. Pam Grier sacrificed nothing to sex appeal but toppled one stereotype after another and always with style.

We have many good actresses now but why do we not have another A-list actress like Pam, a person who can greenlight a film just by her presence? Well, there are many reasons for this and none I'll go into now because this note is to tell you all about her new book, Foxy: My Life In Three Acts. I'm so glad she wrote it and I just ordered my copy.

On her Facebook page, Pam wondered who would play her in a film. I couldn't think of anyone because Pam is still around, still talented and great looking and still one of a kind.


LOUSIANA COURT SENTENCES BRITISH PETROLUEM TO DEATH

LOUSIANA COURT SENTENCES BRITISH PETROLUEM TO DEATH
Since The Dumbass Supreme Court Now Says That Companies Are Like People, Louisiana Decides To Convict BP Of Murder And Execute It.

NEW ORLEANS - The Superior Court of New Orleans convicted eco-polluter British Petroleum (of murdering 11 workers in the worse ecological disaster in the history of man.

Lawyers for BP were stunned when they failed to dismiss the suit and the judge cited Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission noting that the Supreme Court has allowed First Amendment rights to companies.

Judge Thomas Riddeaux read the ruling to a packed courtroom stating: "If a company has rights under the Constitution then it is not immune from the law. Therefore, this lying scumbag company is going to die."

Riddeaux ruled the BP was guilty of 11 counts of murder, 11,350 counts of felony endangerment and 10,457,987 counts of assault.

Under the order, BP is to be taken over by American Marshals who will incarcerate all of the executives, flog them, then force all of them to watch the finale of Lost with no explanation. The company will then be cut up and sold. All funds in the treasury will go to clean up the spill, help the fishing industry and in a strange decision, the judge set aside $10,000 to buy singer Beyonce a treadmill, mumbling something about her ass and zip codes.
Booty beneficiary

Congress was elated with the news and quickly submitted the names of Google and Yahoo which took BP money to manipulate public opinion and Halibutron which one Senator called, the Ted Bundy of corporations.

Other shitty companies panicked and quickly tried to become good corporate citizens. Toyota has started a food-bank for inner cities, McDonalds has hired smarter people for the dirve-thru that speak English and American Airlines will now pay you $5 if you carry luggage.

"I love it!" said Jerrold Days, 55, a New Orleans fisherman. "We've been devastated down here. It's like someone is trying to wipe us out."

Many other express gratitude to the court noting that companies are not really people, just edifices which hides evil, greedy men.

"America is great," said Days who confessed that he didn't understand the Beyonce money until he saw the picture of her. "Man, the sisters needs to lay off the gumbo."

Copyright 2009.

GARY COLEMAN & JOB

GARY COLEMAN AND JOB

I Reflect Upon The Life Of The Actor And Can Only Think Of How Strong A Man He Must Have Been

Gary Coleman is dead. And I didn't know whether to be sad or to cheer that he lived as long as he did. You see, he was told that he die before he was 16, then 20, then 25 and so on. At 42 Gary Coleman had defied the disease, the doctors and the odds.

But not life.

Gary Wayne Coleman was born with a kidney disease that stunted his growth and ravaged his body. Thank goodness it did not effect his mind because his was a comic talent that belied his age. Many comedians notably Johnny Carson said he had to be channeling the ghost of a comic genius.

Gary Coleman became tabloid fodder near the end of his life. All we heard about was bizarre behavior and his financial problems. But consider the strength of the man and the burdens heaped upon him and his resilient spirit.



  • -He was born with focal segmental glomerulosclerosis, which left him a little person.
  • -He had two kidney transplants and
  • -Had to undergo daily dialysis which leaves you weak and spent.
  • -His parents stole all of his child star money,
  • -He had to watch his costars succumb to drugs, porn and ultimately death in the case of Dana Plato.
  • -He survived depression and two suicide attempts.


Job was cursed with one terrible affliction after another and did not renounce God. Gary Coleman was cursed and struggle and beat the odds time and time again.

After listening the the 911 recording of his wife, it seems that Gary never had anyone on his side.

I don't know many people who could have passed Job's test. I wonder how many of us could have passed Gary Coleman's.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY... NIGGER


The Venomous Disrespect Displayed Toward The President Is Definitely A
Wake Up Call.


People can be overly sensitive about race. I still don't like being called an enigma. But I have to say that the attitudes of many toward the President have gone too far. And while I know a lot of it is America getting over it's dumbass bigotry, the incessant, ridiculous and nasty commentary has gone too far and shows that it is more than politics as usual.

When Bill Clinton was President, the right wing and its lap dog media fell on him like a ton of bricks. But as bad as that was, it's worse for Obama. A congressman called him a liar in public. He's been portrayed as The Joker, Adolf Hitler, and a monkey, assassinated no less. If he doesn't go to the Gulf he's incompetent. If he goes, he's pandering. He been called naive, inept, dumb and out of his cotton picking mind. A term that as we all know originates from the arduous task of slaves picking cotton in the harsh southern sun.

I have been critical of the President. He gets no free pass from me. He escalated the war, let go of the public option and has moved to appease, Latino Americans, Gay Americans and Rich Wall Street Americans but has not said a word about, you know, African Americans. But the Catch 22 right wing and crazy wing people have put him in is disrespectful and I think un-American. I mean no one has called him the "N" word but they way they are treating him is tantamount to the same thing.

Let this be a wake up call. If a Black President is still treated like a second class citizen then isn't it time to stop waiting for fairness and demand it? Isn't it time to stop hoping for respect and take it?

So in three days, we can all reflect on the American experiment and look back in wonder at the little rag-tag country that dared to offer men and women freedom based on God-given rights. But as we do let us not forget how far we still have to go and the strength and force of will it will take to get us there.

Happy 234th Birthday America.

Now grow up for chrissakes!

Copyright 2010

DRACULA & BLACULA CALL FOR END TO VAMPIRE SEX


DRACULA and  BLACULA CALL FOR
AN END TO VAMPIRE SEX

A Coalition Of History's Great Bloodsuckers Say The Trend In Vampire Sexploitation Is Killing Their Livelihoods

TRANSYLVANIA - The Count is pissed. From a Castle in the Carpathian Mountains of Eastern Europe, Dracula, Blacula and a host of others held a press conference to denounce the worldwide trend in human beings having sex with Vampires.

Their new organization called Vampires Against Sexual Exploitation (VASE) is dedicated to ending what one vampire calls "V-Pimpin'."

Twilight, True Blood and a host of other films books and TV shows are making money on presenting vampires as sex symbols. It is a global phenomenon and experts say it's become a $30 billion business.

"The idea that supernatural creatures would engage in carnal activities is insulting, demeaning and really gross," said Dracula who is the Vice President of VASE. "These new so-called vampires have a ridiculous lifestyle. They walk around in daylight, touch crucifixes and eat garlic. That's crap. I sleep in a coffin on maggot-infested soil, okay, that's how I'm rollin.'"

"I'm pissed off!" says Blacula, VASE President, who was famously portrayed in a 1973 classic. "Not only do Vampires not have sex, if we did, you know the brothers would be getting theirs. All I see is white vamps gettin' busy. That's some Hollywood bullshit. "And, don't they know we dead? Ain't that what they call negrophilia?" (He meant necrophilia but his point is well taken)

Rennita Freeman, an African American fan of the genre disagreed. "Wouldn't no self-respecting sister get with a vampire. They sleep all day, don't have no job and they ain't down with Jesus... come to think of it, I guess I have been with a vampire or two."

They're screwing up the whole game," said German vampire Max Shreck who was immortalized in the classics Nosferatu and Shadow Of The Vampire. "Vampires are not people, we're closer to animals and we're fierce and terrible. I swooped down on a woman last week and she wanted to see my package. It was very disconcerting."

"It's a well-known fact that vampires don't have working sex organs. After death, there is no sexual function, only the desire for blood," says Shrek.

"And we ain't gay!" says Blacula. "That's really a lie. You never saw me and Drac lusting after men back in the day. Okay, I know we wore capes and shit and the occasional puffy shirt but that don't mean I'm a sissy."

Sociology Professor Thomas Dean Chapman from Princeton says the current trend in vampire sex is a result of the feminization of the modern man. "Women want men who are at once soft and sweet but also strong, dangerous and sexually adventurous. You know, like Prince."

Catholic Priest Bishop Michael Richardson says it is a very disturbing trend. "It's very close to bestiality to the church." These are not men but animals. There are some books that have women having sex with werewolves. I know the church has a bad name but your dogs are safe with us."

Dracula has a different take. "Women are just freaky now," he says. "So consider this: I am dead, a cursed abomination of God, I want to drink your blood and maybe kill you and all you can think about is you want to do the nasty with me? Man, that's textbook freaky. And where will it end? What's next? Alien centerfold? Michael Meyers in a thong? It's disgusting."

Frankenstein's monster attended the conference and also chimed in. "I know I'm a monster and all," said the creature whose real name is Melvin. 'But I'm an actual man with actual man parts. That's right, the doctor made me anatomically correct and if I might say, he was very generous. But I never get a woman in movies. They even made Bride Of Frankenstein and couldn't hook a monster up!"

With movies breaking boxoffice records, five TV shows about vampires, millions of books, it doesn't seem like America's fascination with vampire sex is likely to end soon. But one things for sure, the vampires of VASE think it sucks and not in the good way.

Copyright 2010

Friday, May 28, 2010

R.I.P. HATER (1997-2009)


JANUARY 20, 2009 - The term “Hater” officially died today. You probably missed it in all the inauguration coverage but the term Hater was killed when it was hit by a car. This vehicle was being driven by intelligence, logic and reason.

Hater was born “Player Hater” referring to someone who criticized or denounced a person who was clever or deceitful in romance. As relationships became disposable, the Player method became accepted as a way to navigate the choppy waters of modern personal affairs. Moreover, it encouraged the notion that any negative action taken in a relationship was unimpeachable to the aggressor, giving rise to the catchy saying; “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

The term then grew in meaning to generally encompass a savvy and aggressive way of dealing with life itself. Anyone who was successful was a player and if you didn’t like it, you were just jealous of your inability to do what he or she was doing.

Thus, the Player Hater was born.

During the Bush era, the term went mainstream, became famous and started going by just one name. Everyone was talking about “Haters” in all walks of life. But the new philosophy did not allow dissent. Any criticism was denounced as hating. Soon, in our society, if anyone was successful, no matter what path they took to it, you had to be with it-- or be hatin’.

So we stood idly by as opportunists, crooks, thieves, poseurs, charlatans and whores stole our way of life and perverted our nobility. They did this largely immune from criticism, shielded by our fear of being labeled.

Intolerance thrived until we were pushed into the void of our lapses. Inside, we saw the shady origins of the term and the destructiveness of its mutation. So we rejected and killed it with our positive force of will.

We now understand that some things are just wrong and the people who do these things deserve our contempt. We also realize that dissent is the product of freedom. Criticism fosters debate, which in turn promotes reason and compromise. And while jealousy and envy are wrong, using their designation as instant punishment to destroy contrary opinion is evidence of weak minds and guilty hearts.

And let’s face it when CNN and Fox News use the term, you know it’s played out.

Therefore, I say so long Hater!

We hardly knew ye.

And I’m dancing on your grave.

CHRIS BROWN GETS ASS KICKED BY CORPSE OF IKE TURNER!

FAMED MUSICIAN GETS OUT OF GRAVE
TO DELIVER A CELEBRITY SMACKDOWN.


LOS ANGELES – Court-watchers and media were shocked when singer Chris Brown was attacked after his arraignment on charges that he assaulted pop diva Rhianna. More shocking is the identity of the attacker: deceased musician, Ike Turner. Turner who died in 2007 climbed out of his grave to “beat some sense into this little punk.”

As the world knows, Chris Brown allegedly battered pop singer Rhianna sending her to a hospital emergency room the night of the Grammy Awards in Los Angeles. Since then, the media has been on fire with speculation of his motivation and their apparent reconciliation.

Turner, now a walking zombie from hell, told reporters that he’s been punished severely for the abuse he leveled on singer Tina Turner, made famous by the film What’s Love Got To Do With It? and he just wanted to help Brown with his problem. “When a man beats a woman like that, the only thing he understands is a similar ass whuppin’” said Turner’s corpse. “I’m not attacking Chris Brown, I’m just talking to him in his native language.”

That “language” ironically resulted in Brown being rushed to the same hospital emergency room as Rhianna. Brown received multiple injuries, including severe lacerations to his rear end. Apparently, Turner’s bones are so brittle, that he actually broke off a foot in Chris Brown’s ass.

Brown’s representatives were outraged and called for Turner to be arrested. But when police arrived, Turner’s lawyer, Gloria Allred, stopped them by pointing out that Turner is not alive and therefore the law does not apply to him. Turner allegedly taunted police by yelling "Whatcha gonna do bitches, shoot me?"

People generally praised Turner for the action, noting that he’s only trying to redeem himself in the afterlife. One onlooker was also impressed by Turner’s fighting ability, quipping: “That brutha kicks butt like a six-legged man in an ass factory.”

SATAN SAYS PARIS HILTON AND KIM KARDASHIAN “TOO SKANKY” FOR HELL!


PARTY GIRLS REJECTED FROM WORST PLACE IN UNIVERSE.

HADES - Beelzebub ain’t feeling Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. The Fallen Angel recently looked into the future and learned that the pair are headed for Hell but he doesn’t want them.

“God has pulled some bad tricks but this takes the cake,” said Satan. "This has got that resurrection thing beaten my a mile."

The Devil thought that the two party girls would be forgiven for their sins but apparently God didn’t believe their sincerity and so He damned them to Hell.

Hilton
The Prince of Darkness was not amused. Even though he has admired the pair for advertising sin and distracting people from their lives, Lucifer has always been creeped out by the pair. “They make my skin crawl,” said the Son of Perdition, “and that’s hard when you have scales and shit.”

Old Bailey went on to ask “And why are these two losers famous anyway? All they did was have sex on the Internet. I’ve toppled nations and killed billions. I invented the The Black Death and Disco for Christ's sake. Where’s my goddamned reality show?”

Kardashian
Other denizens of Hades were not happy either. “We don’t want them hos!” said Jack The Ripper, the world's first serial killer. “We bloody well have standards.” “Yeah,” echoed Jeffrey Dahmer and Son of Sam. “At least we killed people quickly. Paris Hilton’s CD takes an hour to murder your ass.”

Others looked forward to the dynamic duo coming to eternal suffering. "I can't wait to meet Paris,"said Gengis Khan, who once killed 2 million people in an hour. "Blonde Hair is a symbol of good luck and it looks really pretty on fire."

Once God consigns you to Hell there is no going to Heaven and so the question arose as to where Britney and Paris would go if they didn’t go to Hell.

“How about Detroit?” said Satan. “I was there last week and they got my thing beat big time.”

INTERVIEW WITH SASHA FIERCE


IN A EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, BEYONCE’S
FIERY ALTER-EGO SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT AND DROPS BOMBS ON HOLLYWOOD.


By Ronnie Dyson, Musical Alter Ego Interviewer.

HOLLYWOOD – Sasha Fierce is coming out. I obtained an exclusive interview with Sasha, Beyoncé Knowles’ alter ego and artist responsible for the CD I Am Sasha Fierce. Since the Obsessed star confessed to having a wild, uninhibited side to her, everyone has been waiting to hear from that personality. Well, the wait is over.

I met Sasha in L.A. at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles on Sunset and Gower. She was wearing a black hoodie and some skin tight black jeans. She gave a shout to the kitchen staff in Spanish and then ordered a half chicken and three waffles. I settled in for our chat.

RD: So Sasha, what would you like the people to know about you?

SF: First, that Beyoncé is trippin’ like a three-legged cripple. She’s the damned alter ego. I’m the real bitch.

RD: So, you’re saying that she’s just--

SF: A figment of my goddamned imagination, right. See, it’s what you call a metaphysical notion. You know, like did Whitney become a crackhead or did the crackhead become Whitney? It’s some deep ass shit, like The Wire.

RD: So, I take it you don’t like Beyoncé?

SF: Look at me. Do I look like I’d roll with that goody-goody chick? Sasha gets her drink on, Sasha gets her party on and if the clock strikes twelve and somebody ain’t smacking my ass, Hell done froze over, ya heard?


RD: But Beyoncé does have style, don’t you agree?

SF: No, I do not. She swagger-jacked me! Them rags she be rockin’ ain’t fashion. That’s some “I’m-wearin’-this-because-
I-have-to-fit-in” shit. And she need to watch what she eats. I can eat anything I want but if Beyoncé gains another ten pounds, her driver's license picture is gonna say "continued on other side."

RD: What about Destiny’s Child? What part did you have in that?

SF: Why you bring up them? Don’t be askin’ Sasha about old stuff. Would you ask Obama about a dump he took last month? Would you question L’il Wayne about his first joint? No. So don’t sweat me about them historic heifers.

RD: Okay, then what about Jay-Z?

SF: What about that fool? That’s her (Beyoncé’s) thing not Sasha’s. Don’t no man own me. That’s like a fish claiming the ocean. Jigga need to keep on swimming.

RD: I take it you don’t believe in monogamy?

SF: Hell naw. One man? Shit, the only thing one man can do for Sasha is open the bedroom door for the next man.

RD: So I hear you’re mad at white celebrities adopting black babies.

SF: I’m glad you asked me about that ‘cause folks need to know how I feel. Beyoncé been going around spreading love about all this white folk adopting black babies but Sasha Fierce ain’t with it.

RD: Can I ask why?

SF: Cause the shit is whack. It’s like “Oh, look at me! I’m such a good person I adopted this African baby that my Mexican nanny is going to raise.” Then everybody starts doin’ it. Black people ain’t no fad. You like fads? Do the Macarena and pass on the Negro adoption, okay?

RD: So, you doubt their sincerity?

SF: Yeah. Madonna? What the hell is her problem? If she likes black babies so much why not get one from right here? Why go all the way to Africa? Oh that’s right THEY AIN’T FOR SALE IN AMERICA, BITCH!! Man, I wanna smack her until she sings good again.

RD: I guess Brad Pitt and Angelina are ass out too.

SF: Yo, they are ca-razy with it! They got black, white and Asian babies. Them damned kids look like the flag of Uganda! And Angelina, you ain't foolin' me. You got big lips, a bunch of babies and you put the punany hex on Brad. You a sistah. Case closed.

RD: And I hear you feel sorry for Janet Jackson?

SF: Definitely. She struggling now and it all started with showing a boob! That’s bullshit. It ain’t like she showed her brown betty, you know. There’s a lot of other shit on TV that’s scary. Like Seal. What’s up with his face? He looks like one of them big dudes from Lord Of The Rings. I saw him at a party once and I waved and smiled but I was thinking “Yo, shouldn’t your ass be after Mr. Frodo, nigga?”

RD: Damn, well you certainly are outspoken. Do you have any closing words?

SF: I just want people to know that when they see Beyoncé that they are really seeing me. And no matter how nice she is, Sasha Fierce is waiting. Believe that.