ACTORS, ARTISTRY & LOVE

"The good thing about talent is that it burns 
brightly.  The bad thing is, it's bright and it 
burns." - Anonymous

There is something in an artist that has made him what he or she is. And it is not a nice thing. It could be alienation, depression, obsession, or even abuse. In any event, we are psychologically detached at an early age and we are saved by our imaginations, out of which comes talent. But our talent comes at a price and one of them is the toll in a relationship.

 I thank God that I was messed up enough to be a writer and not so much that I became an actor. Actors, truly talented ones, are just a little bit crazy, and the more talented they are, the closer to that chaos they tend to be. They may seem high-functioning, arrogant and vain but it goes with the territory and it is necessary to what they have to do, the confidence and courage they have to muster, for a business they love, but which does not love them back. They must believe they are great when no one else does.

And so we have this notion that actors are messed up and you shouldn't date them because they bring drama. In reality actors are just free. Free from delusion about life and sex, free from hypocrisy and free from caring about the judgements of others who cannot (or will not) assist their passion.

And so if you want to date, marry or even just hook up with an actor, then know this: They only thing they will ever love more than their art is their children. And they will never allow you to corrupt or destroy their dream.

So if you want to be in a relationship with an actor and you are not willing to share and support their dream, if you are not willing to be a cheerleader for Team Actor, then you will fail because --

You are a rock...

Trying to hold on to a rocket.

© 2011

"FEMALE" TROUBLE FOR "GOOD" BLACK MEN

SOMETIMES, IT'S NOT THE

WORD, IT'S HOW WE SAY IT.

"You just can't reason with these females...."

I can't say how many times I've heard the word female used in this way. Several years ago, I wrote a mean little book which I still have yet to release.  It is about a particular problem in Black relationships.  Anyway, during the writing of the tome, my protagonist (a woman) noted that many Black men like to refer to women as "females" and that it felt condescending.  If you think I am splitting hairs fellas, then how would you feel if a white man called you a Negro?  

Here is the passage from the book:

I hate it when a man says female like that.  For many, it’s just a nicer way of saying bitch.  As if any of them understand the scientific nature of the term.  I had a random thought about a scientist yelling: “Bring in the amoeba-- and the females!”

Why do we, Black people, who are so creative, waste our time finding ways to put each other down?  It's beneath us fellas and you know what?  Women can be unreasonable, too.

And ladies, the often used "Good black man" reference is similarly condescending. I hate it. It assumes that "good" is an aberration and I am happy to report that it is not. I get a lot of angry notes from men sometimes and it occurs to me they are upset because they are good men and they think I am talking to them.  

You say you need a good man ladies but it has been my experience that many of you (and please, spare me the "not me" post) use the term "good man" because you've intentionally spent a lot of time with men who are not good. You cannot indict all men because of your poor choices.  

To this end, also from the unreleased book:

Black women were wonderful, he thought, but so many had little time-bombs in them, a nasty little belief that all men were fucked up and would prove it sooner or later.  It was a hard, Impenetrable knot of sentiment built by bitter mothers, absentee dads and bad boyfriends who had failed to heal their wounded souls.  

It is so easy to be a provocateur in Black relationships. People are frustrated for themselves and their friends.  What's hard to do is to be curative, or at least try.  We can do better but perhaps it is best to start with the little things we can change.  These are two of them.  

No more "females" unless you're in a lab coat.

And try to just need "a man" and leave the color out.

copyright 2011

REALITYSHIP

Marriage And Relationships Are Never Going To Be What They Were, So We Should Concentrate On What They Can Be.
Relationships between American men and women are at an all time low. As the marriage rate declines, divorce and vitriol have risen. Since 1970, the marriage rate has been in free-fall according to The National Marriage Project and if the trend continues, unmarried couples will be the norm.

If marriage isn't working, then we need to examine not just the institution but the basic relationship that underlies it and we cannot be afraid of theorizing about ways to solve the problem.

With this in mind, I believe that the western version of the 20th Century "relationship" is now obsolete and in the 21st century, what people need is nothing less than a new paradigm of intimate interpersonal connection.

We need a Realityship. (C) 2011

Realityship - noun.. 1. An intimate interpersonal involvement which is commensurate with true nature, the limits of love and the necessity of respect and friendship. 2. A relationship devoid of hypocrisy and devoted to longevity. 3. Gary Hardwick's latest brain fart.


So, what does this mean? Well first, it means the end of marriage.

For most of history, marriage was more or less a business agreement between two families who set up the marriages of their children. Romantic love, and even simple affection, were not considered essential.

Monogamous marriage is now an old institution and now that we don't die at 35, people find it hard to sustain. You didn't live long enough to get tired of each other, then suddenly we did. (Thank you modern medicine!) So once we lived longer, we invented no-fault divorce, community property and ushered in The Age Of The Disposable Relationships. This has led to The Children Of Divorce who have since sent divorce rates, birth rates and psychological analysis soaring.

I know this is jarring. Most of the people in my generation were the product of marriages. It's all we knew and what we were taught to want one for ourselves. The baby boomers are the first generation to falter in our quest for lasting matrimony. But if we can accept that in our lifetime, we have gone from rotary phones to satelite-phones, from TV tubes to flat screens and from landing on the moon to landing on Mars, then we can certainly conceive that the next generation will not need a relationship theory that does not work for them.

I know what you're thinking.

"Marriage doesn't need to change: we do. People are selfish, weak, narcissistic and love shitty reality shows and bad music, that's the real problem, man! Also, you heathen, it is obvious that marriage is failing because people are losing faith in the God whose Word marriage is based on."

If this is true, then how successful have we been in changing people by reversing societal evolution to fit long-standing convention which has fallen from popular favor?

The answer is never. Society changes, the tradition falls and a new one is built from the old. And as for the religious argument, it's a long story but my sentiments are pretty much expressed here.

The goal instead should be a friendship, a sharing of resources and in the advent of a child, a life-bond and commitment to that child that takes precedence over the couple's individual desires.

With 75% of black children born out of wedlock and 52% overall, it is clear to anyone who is watching that people are giving up on marriage but still want children. But if parents don't form some kind of alliance in favor of that child, we are lost.



We've all been taught that marriage comes first then the rest and if you go against that order, then there's something wrong or bad about you. But at this point in time, we can no longer live and judge by a code which bears no impact on reality. Either we accept that society is changing or we accept that we are all a pack of devils who are going to Hell in a handcart in which case all of this is moot.

So what are the rules of a Realityship? So glad you asked.

Men cannot trade sex or extended adolescence for responsibility to family. At some point, a man has to become an adult and do adult things. Running from a stable relationship and the care of children will only find you old, alone and bitter. Men who abandon their kids take away a negative psychological baggage that ruins them and poisons everything else they touch. And under this burden, men crumble succumb to weakness and pathology and become the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Women cannot trade their most fertile and productive years for the fallacy of male equality. Women and Men are not equals anymore than apple and oranges are. Legally yes, women and men should be seen as equals but the social notion is a trick that tells women to trade female power for male attributes which they can never possess and do not need. The result is a Sisyphean-like social life where women struggle to "have it all" and end up with nothing. (See Faludi, Susan Backlash.) Women should instead seek to increase societal respect for female power which men and women have been trained to see as inherently inferior.

We must respect the time value difference of the sexes. A single woman at 40 is a very different thing than a single man at 40. A young woman is ripe; a young man is green. A woman's youthful years are more critical than a man's especially if she wants to have children. The upshot is, if you want to have children, don't think you have twenty years to do it and men don't waste a woman's time with bullshit. If you don't know what you want, do her a favor and keep it moving.

Children take precedence over personal animosity. Not much to say here. We clearly know now that kids are the only losers when parents are stupid.

Chivalry and Modesty must return as accents to romance. Without a silly tug of war with women over pettiness, men can afford to be a gentlemen again. And women can afford to accept this behavior as a tribute to their charm. If no one seeks to take advantage, then everyone has an advantage. And yes, I know this is easier said than done.


And the big one, we must at last, leave behind juvenile notions of sexuality. Every man I know who left his wife and family to get some "new stuff" has ultimately regretted it. And every woman I know who divorced a man because he "cheated on her" has regretted it. In both cases, the men and women find that the people they hooked up with next were no better than the ones they left and the value of sexual fidelity can't pay a bill, raise a child or keep you happy.

Let me be clear. A couple would have the option to take themselves out of penis and vagina prison and spur the notion that you go to hell for sleeping with people because you broke some cosmic or divine rule of copulation. You see, the people who are going to screw up were going to to it anyway and we have thousands of years of history to prove this is true. I know it will ruin TV, film and books but it's a small price to pay.

So how would this work as a practical matter?

Leslie and Steve both want kids but neither of them wants the perceived hypocrisy of an institutionalized, religious-influenced sexually-limited union. So they put all of their cards on the table and agree to support their kid and live together or in near proximity. As long as both are reasonable and committed to the child, and each execute mutual wills, it should work.

This is usually the place where I put my last pithy remark and close with some "How clever am I?" but I'm afraid I don't have one this time.

By the way, I still hope things will get better. I still hope that people will somehow magically be propelled by love, passion, faith and family. I hope that men and women will find some kind of power to defeat our proclivity to attract then destroy. And I hope we will learn to put our natural tendencies aside or at least learn how to hide them better. But most of all, I believe in the resilience of human beings and I know somehow, we will find a way to make it all work.

Copyright 2010

TO LOVE, FALSE GODS AND ALUMINUM FOIL

Today Let Us Remember That Love Is More Than A Notion.

There's an old joke that the most confusing day in the black community is Father's Day. The joke is funny because under the irony and sting there is truth.

And if it's true, then Valentine's Day can be the most depressing day.

Each year as the day approaches, legions of people face the terrible moment when they realize they have no Valentine, no love. Sure, you may have your children, a friend, your mother but what about LOVE, romantic love, sexual love, love that makes you blush when you recount it? Well, that's the problem. Many are living without it or with poor substitutes for it.

Which brings me to the title of this piece. Many years ago, I wrote a bad poem with this title. In essence, it said that there was Love with a capital "L" and then there was the False God of love, a poor substitute which was presented as Love but was really like aluminum foil, smooth, pretty to look at but as soon as you applied any pressure it wrinkled, cracked and fractured, showing its frailty. ( I know, but I admitted it was a bad poem)

Love is elusive, fickle and indescribably beautiful. It is not one emotion but all of them tailored to an individual and perhaps moments in time. Love started life, straightened our spine and taught us to walk upright, it built cities then tore them down and it has propelled human beings through chaos that has washed away all the lesser species. It is rare and there isn't a lot of it in our world--




But there's a lot of aluminum foil.

So as we celebrate this day let us look past the false gods of love. Let us shun those who write eternal checks to God that their asses can't cash, then leave their children loveless. Let us condemn those who fill life's promise with lies with hidden selfishness and leave those who loved them unrequited.

We must remember that the First Love was a spark of pure energy, a notion that illuminated the universe and made order of nothingness. It filled the heart of its own creation and allowed a lowly species to dream of civilization, nobility and greatness.

And later, this same love sustained a humble priest named Valentine as he was tortured to renounce his faith but would not and died a martyr on February 14th.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Copyright 2011

BLACK WOMEN AND THE DECADE OF DOOM

We Must All Learn And Teach The Concept Of "Female Time."

Many years ago, a lady friend told me that she wasn’t dating much and she didn’t know why. She said the men were coming at her pretty regularly for many years then “All of a sudden the phone stopped ringing.” After this, I watched my friend go through dating hell and now she's single and has few prospects.

So much is being written as the relationship tide turns against black women. There is a lot of enmity out there and I don’t wish to add to it.

However...

I notice a commonality among many women of a certain age who are now having difficulty with dating. When they talk about their history, there is a big gap in the story and it’s about ten years give or take; a decade that magically disappears from the conversation or gets glossed over. And please, I know there are exceptions to every rule. You don't need to remind me.

I started asking women about these years from roughly 18 to 30 or so and what I have learned is that many women have spent this time “dating and having fun.” I take this to mean dating, partying, having sex. They do this with men, many of whom, they do not consider to be husband material. In each case, it is felt to be a right or should I say a rite like a man “sowing his oats.”

From age 16 to 35, a woman’s natural physiology is primed. She matures faster and enters the height of her fertility. Don’t get mad at me; be mad at God. He made it this way. From 35 on, all indicators decline and the threat of reproductive trouble rises. Also, a woman’s physical beauty is at its height. I say this because no matter what men say, we are attracted to good-looking women who can have kids.

So, women have oats too, but the price of that grain is a lot higher.

Tell me why women waste those ten years dating men, partying and sleeping around when these moments are more valuable relationship wise than any others?

It’s the fallacy of male/female equality. When the feminist movement began, it really began for non-black women. Black women have always been afforded the opportunity to have a life and a voice and not always by choice.

Intellectually, the notion was posited that men and women were equals and should be treated as such. Well, maybe in the workplace and in education but certainly not in society. The problem is not literal equality but equality in terms of equal respect for female power. Male-ism is exalted in America but female-ism is not.

Women got in the habit of thinking that “If I have what a man has, then I will be equal to him. And if I keep what I have, then I may be superior to him. So for instance, if you have financial power coupled with sexual power, then you become a Superwoman.

If we made any mistake in mid-20th century America, it was telling women that they could be equal to men by acting like men and not giving them equality based on an elevation of traditional (dare I say natural) female attributes. And because of this, the modern 20th Century woman found herself between a rock and a hard place: too strong for any man but too feminine to live without one.

The Superwomen reached for equality but grabbed a chunk of Kryptonite.

It is wrong but it doesn’t mean you can spend a decade sleeping with losers and ever hope to get married. Correspondingly, men cannot go on an extended adolescence, chasing booty into their 40’s like they are never going to get old and die. For men, it’s more like a quarter century of doom. At some point, we must all accept the stark realities of life. We must step up to the great responsibilities and take them on; otherwise we are not living life but running from it.

All I’m saying is, women have to step up a little sooner than men because their time is more valuable. So if you have a daughter, I say reject the lie that they are equal to men and elevate the value of their natural equality. Send them into life knowing that they must get to the business of being a mature woman early and it does not mean that they are missing out on anything. Teach them that every distraction that leads them away from this notion is an attempt to squander their time, steal their vitality and dump them into the Land Of Single Forever.

By the way, I know this is wrong.

I know you don't want to hear this. I know I'm supposed to offer you tricks and insight into the male mind, then charge you money for it. But there are no tricks and there is no insight to give. Beware of people telling you that you can be a better or smarter woman if you emulate men. This is just another lie that somehow your womanly virtue is lacking. It's bullshit. Being a woman has been working for a couple of million years. I think it's got plenty of its own power.

As for men, I’ll save that for another day. I had to write the article about the women first.

I didn’t want to waste their time.


Copyright 2010

THE BLACK WOMAN BACKLASH AND THE WILLIE LYNCH LETTER

Tuesday, July 20, 2010 at 3:50pm

This Battle Of The Sexes Is A
War No One's Gonna Win.

I've had it, fellas.

I'm tired of all the finger-pointing, pontificating, soap-boxing and philosophizing about black women and why they are struggling with relationships.

I've had it, ladies.

I'm tired of all the whining, denial, accusation and unilateral logic that goes into why we are in this predicament.

And before you think to hit the comment button and except yourself from this discussion, I'm saying right now that no one is excepted. And I don't want to hear any "I'm talking about a certain group of women or men" either. This is just another cowardly dodge to hurl a dagger then hide behind subjectivity. I am generalizing as that is the only way to have an intellectual discussion and not place ourselves above the other inferior men and women who are not here-- and thereby we learn nothing.

We are all in this shit together.

There is a backlash against black women. If you Google "black relationships" you will find an avalanche of articles talking about how black women can't find men and then going on to outline why.

All of the attention has focused on women this time, their attitudes, their weight, their hair, their outlook, their sexuality, their spirituality or lack of it.

A generation ago, it was black men who were the scapegoats for the crumbling black family and culture. All of the articles were about how deficient, stupid, lazy and evil we were and how women were the innocent victims. Now it's the other way around with black women being cast as arrogant, man-hating vagina tyrants and black men as put upon good guys just looking for love.

It's bullshit. And we all know it.

Everyone in America is struggling with relationships. The overall numbers are not good for any group but as usual for us, the stats are devastating.

I have a radical suggestion for you fellas: Maybe women are not to blame.

And ladies I have the same suggestion for you: Maybe the men are not at fault.

Who would benefit from black men and women going at one another? Certainly not us.

In 1712, a man named Willie Lynch purportedly gave a speech outlining a plan that would forever keep the black slave weak, ignorant, dependent and self-hating. This plan went into effect and stayed there for over a hundred years. This is the sum of it:

Don't forget you must pitch the dark skinned slaves versus. the light skin slaves. You must use the female versus the male, and the male versus, the female. My plan is guaranteed, and the good thing about this plan is that if used intensely for one year the slave will remain perpetually distrustful.

After we were freed, our minds remained enslaved to this conditioning. Over the years, we have rebelled against it, fighting it with "black power," "black is beautiful" "say it loud" and the like.

And even with all of our enlightenment, we cannot see that the current trend in sister-bashing is just another evolution of Willie Lynch's genius and an opportunity for pandering dumb-asses to empty their bitterness and relationship failure into mean-spirited discussion.

Willie knew if women believed they were greater than their men that we'd never see eye to eye and no man would ever be good enough.

Willie knew that if black men hated themselves, and were denied opportunity to provide for their families, they would naturally turn away from their compliment and no black woman would ever be good enough.

And the real innovation of Lynch is that the program was self-perpetuating, that is, they only had to do it once and then we'd do it to ourselves.

Fellas, I guarantee you that if every black woman became submissive, skinny, white-looking and freaky it would not solve your problems in this country.

Ladies, I guarantee you that if every black man grew to 6"5, wealthy, God-fearing and endlessly romantic it would not solve your problems.

Unless we all release the Big Lie.

You see, if we turn away from all of the conditioning that teaches us to hate ourselves and punish all desire connected to ethnicity, then we effectively reboot our brains and our hearts.

Then we are everything we want and everything we need.

Because we set the standard.

Not those who would control us.

copyright 2010

WHAT I TOLD MY DAUGHTER ABOUT MEN

Men talk at women a lot but it is harder to talk to them. Maybe we should start earlier and with the ones we really care about.

All the crap people were saying a generation ago is being said again only now the empirical data proves the problem is worse. Seventy percent of black women single? Even I was floored by that one. Seventy-five percent of babies born out of wedlock?

I don’t have a daughter and you know what, thank God I don’t. I would never sleep. But I’ve often thought what I would say to her about men, dating, sex and the like in this day and age. So here it is.

By the way, her name is SOMIE. She’s 14.

GARY: So this is it. The big talk.

SOMIE: Daddy, I already know all about sex.

GARY: What?! Who do I have to kill for that?

SOMIE: Mom.

GARY: Right. Okay, I wanted to talk about love, men and relationships, did Mom cover that?

SOMIE: No she just sang Stevie Wonder songs when I asked a question.

GARY: Nice move. Anyway first, I want you to know that we don’t care if you date outside your race, in fact, I insist upon it.

SOMIE: Why?

GARY: Because I want you to be a woman of this world not just of a particular race. There are enough people out there who’ll try to limit you. No need for you to do it to yourself. Pretty soon, we’re all going to be the same color anyway and we will replace color with some other meaningless and superficial trait. So, as long as you’re happy, we don’t care. But no Hungarians-- just kidding.

SOMIE: Okay, I guess I can do that. I mean, the white boys are always checking me out.

GARY: What the fu--?!

SOMIE: Dad....

GARY: Sorry. Anyway, I have some practical stuff to tell you. Like, start looking for a mate early. Don’t think you have your 20’s to party down or just pursue your career. You don’t. You can multi-task this. See, men and women age differently. Young men are green, young women are ripe. No matter what you’ve read or heard on TV, no matter what the feminists say, a woman’s youth, fertility and beauty are valued when they are at their height. And no matter what politically correct crap guys tell you, one thing is a proven fact: Men see better than they think. Also, you can’t control when that special person might come, so keep your mind open.

SOMIE: Wow, that’s deep.

GARY: I try. Next point; don’t be ridiculous about what you want in a man.

SOMIE: Ridiculous?

GARY: Like you want him to be tall, handsome, rich and perfect.

SOMIE: But shouldn’t I want a man like you?

GARY: You’re the best fictional daughter ever! But no. When your mom met me, I was the complete opposite of all of that.

SOMIE: Wow and she still married you?

GARY: Don’t get off topic. I’m just saying that if you have an ideal man, he should not be patterned on earthly criteria.

SOMIE: Oh no, here it comes.

GARY: Try to look past what we have here in this life and make your choices from that part of you connected to higher ideals. A relationship, a marriage, a friendship is not a person; it’s a connection to things greater than ourselves. And only by those connections can we ever hope to ride the chariot of our faith.

SOMIE: Chariot, Dad?

GARY: Sounded better than Bentley of our faith.

SOMIE: Anything else?

GARY: Yes. Women are beautiful. This is a big part of why men want them. But even if a man looks at you as a commodity you shouldn’t buy into it. It will make you arrogant about your power over them and you’ll be tempted to play that power and indulge in the party that goes along with it. And before you can say “single at forty,” you are!

SOMIE: You sound upset. You want some soup?

GARY: I don’t want soup. I want you to be happy. This is difficult stuff and Lord knows I've probably already made a hundred mistakes. I just think being a woman is like lugging around a big hunk of gold. It's pretty and valuable but it's heavy as hell. So can you think about some of this, for me?

SOMIE: Okay, Dad. I will. I promise.

GARY: That’s all I ask. Okay, I gotta go.

SOMIE: Really? This is nice.

GARY: I know but I’ve made my point.

Copyright 2011