a thousand words

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


We Must All Learn And Teach The Concept Of "Female Time."

Many years ago, a lady friend told me that she wasn’t dating much and she didn’t know why. She said the men were coming at her pretty regularly for many years then “All of a sudden the phone stopped ringing.” After this, I watched my friend go through dating hell and now she's single and has few prospects.

So much is being written as the relationship tide turns against black women. There is a lot of enmity out there and I don’t wish to add to it.


I notice a commonality among many women of a certain age who are now having difficulty with dating. When they talk about their history, there is a big gap in the story and it’s about ten years give or take; a decade that magically disappears from the conversation or gets glossed over. And please, I know there are exceptions to every rule. You don't need to remind me.

I started asking women about these years from roughly 18 to 30 or so and what I have learned is that many women have spent this time “dating and having fun.” I take this to mean dating, partying, having sex. They do this with men, many of whom, they do not consider to be husband material. In each case, it is felt to be a right or should I say a rite like a man “sowing his oats.”

From age 16 to 35, a woman’s natural physiology is primed. She matures faster and enters the height of her fertility. Don’t get mad at me; be mad at God. He made it this way. From 35 on, all indicators decline and the threat of reproductive trouble rises. Also, a woman’s physical beauty is at its height. I say this because no matter what men say, we are attracted to good-looking women who can have kids.

So, women have oats too, but the price of that grain is a lot higher.

Tell me why women waste those ten years dating men, partying and sleeping around when these moments are more valuable relationship wise than any others?

It’s the fallacy of male/female equality. When the feminist movement began, it really began for non-black women. Black women have always been afforded the opportunity to have a life and a voice and not always by choice.

Intellectually, the notion was posited that men and women were equals and should be treated as such. Well, maybe in the workplace and in education but certainly not in society. The problem is not literal equality but equality in terms of equal respect for female power. Male-ism is exalted in America but female-ism is not.

Women got in the habit of thinking that “If I have what a man has, then I will be equal to him. And if I keep what I have, then I may be superior to him. So for instance, if you have financial power coupled with sexual power, then you become a Superwoman.

If we made any mistake in mid-20th century America, it was telling women that they could be equal to men by acting like men and not giving them equality based on an elevation of traditional (dare I say natural) female attributes. And because of this, the modern 20th Century woman found herself between a rock and a hard place: too strong for any man but too feminine to live without one.

The Superwomen reached for equality but grabbed a chunk of Kryptonite.

It is wrong but it doesn’t mean you can spend a decade sleeping with losers and ever hope to get married. Correspondingly, men cannot go on an extended adolescence, chasing booty into their 40’s like they are never going to get old and die. For men, it’s more like a quarter century of doom. At some point, we must all accept the stark realities of life. We must step up to the great responsibilities and take them on; otherwise we are not living life but running from it.

All I’m saying is, women have to step up a little sooner than men because their time is more valuable. So if you have a daughter, I say reject the lie that they are equal to men and elevate the value of their natural equality. Send them into life knowing that they must get to the business of being a mature woman early and it does not mean that they are missing out on anything. Teach them that every distraction that leads them away from this notion is an attempt to squander their time, steal their vitality and dump them into the Land Of Single Forever.

By the way, I know this is wrong.

I know you don't want to hear this. I know I'm supposed to offer you tricks and insight into the male mind, then charge you money for it. But there are no tricks and there is no insight to give. Beware of people telling you that you can be a better or smarter woman if you emulate men. This is just another lie that somehow your womanly virtue is lacking. It's bullshit. Being a woman has been working for a couple of million years. I think it's got plenty of its own power.

As for men, I’ll save that for another day. I had to write the article about the women first.

I didn’t want to waste their time.

Copyright 2010