a thousand words

Thursday, September 23, 2010


When Things Go Wrong, It has Become An American Right To Blame Black People For It.

CANARY ISLANDS - Scientist at the Gran Telescopio Canarias, the world's biggest telescope have reported that the moon has been stolen. American military and world science organizations have been notified that it was taken by a black man.

Professor Ross Orcopio of Italy said that he was watching the skies on the midnight shift when he saw "a big black hand grab the moon."

"This is utter bullshit," said Captain Roscoe Jones of the 82nd Airborne. "Every time something goes wrong they blame a black man. I'm tired of it."

Jones has a point as several white men murdered their wives and blamed it on black men, a corrupt collegiate system was blamed on Reggie Bush and a woman threw acid in her own face and blamed in on a black person. But there's one man at the telescope installation who disagrees.

"I saw the nigga take it," says Kaleem Mhia, a night janitor. The brother took the moon and stuffed it into the biggest brown paper bag I'd ever seen."

Cornell West noted scholar and Black historian says the whole think is a hoax. "First of all, if you took the moon, the planets would shift in their rotations, mountains would crumble, oceans would flood the earth and we'd all be dead. Second, the uniquely American notion that dark skin carries with it connotations of evil and sin has always been readily aceeptable to most people. It has been used to blame black folk for everything from murder to rotten eggs."

Police and military say they accept the scientific argument but still ran a series of raids in black neighborhoods to find the moon. "We're doing body cavity searches," said Sgt. Lenny Henderson of the LAPD. "You be surprised at what some of these people can hide up their asses."

Jesse Jackson and Reverend Al Sharpton both expressed outrage at the allegation saying at a press conference that "it was the very fabric of racism at play here." But after the conference, unaware that the mic was still on, Sharpton was heard to say "I wonder what fool-ass brother tried to get away with this shit?" Jackson was heard to say that he still wanted to cut off Obama's balls.

Republicans and Democrats were quick to disagree about how to replace the moon. Republicans said a tax cut for billionaires would free up money to do a study while Democrats countered with setting Rush Limbaugh on fire and "shooting his fat ass into orbit."

While everyone is baffled janitor Mhia offers a simple solution. "Just look for a nigga with a big ass paper bag."

copyright 2010


With The World On Pins And Needles, A Minister And A Muslin Decide Shitty Music Is Worse Than Eternal Damnation.

Iran - After a tense week, controversial Florida Minister Rev. Terry Jones and Muslim leaders agree that no one will burn the Holy Koran on September 11th. Instead, Jones and Muslim leaders agree to an international day to "rid the world of fake-ass non-signing autotune singers" who have no talent and suck the life out of music.

Autotune is a device that allows people with no talent to sing on key. It also masks people with bad voices and no sense of rhythm. It has been called the musical equivalent of steroids. American music was a product of American freedom drawing musical styles from all over the world and giving birth to jazz, blues, country and rock. But now our desire to worship imagery and not talent is threatening the very future of music.

So as religious tension looms, leaders from all around the world came to the brink of violence only to realize that what's really ailing the world is shitty ass singers.

"These people are musical infidels," says Iranian President President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. "I especially hate that Justin Bieber. Someone should smack him very hard."

"What I don't understand is why people who can actually sing, like Usher, use the damned thing," said Big Willie Thornton, 75, legendary blues singer. "Hell, that's like painting you Bently yellow."

Rev. Jones

"The peace accord happened completely by accident when Reverend Jones stumbles upon a live performance by singer Katy Perry who often uses auto tune. "First she was singing about kissing a girl and liking it," said Reverend Jones and then the autotune went out and it was like some one was pissing hot fire in my ears. The only thing worse than a lesbian is one that can't sing!"

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he wants to sanction the use of the device. "You sing with autotune and we cut out your vocal cords. We are big on cutting off body parts in Iran. Of course, this would only be for the women," he quickly added.

President Obama lauded the peace accord. Then he quickly condemned autotune but defended people's right to use it in the same sentence, rendering his statement meaningless.

The Republicans moved to make the company that manufactures autotune immune from any adverse laws then realized that they are made in China.

Everyone is breathing a sigh of relief over what could have been a nasty confrontation but a lot of pop singers will be upset when they see their music go up in flames.

"Good riddance!" says Pastor Jones. "And next, we're gonna see what we can do about those asses from "The Jersey Shore."

copyright 2010