CANARY ISLANDS - Scientist at the Gran Telescopio Canarias, the world's biggest telescope have reported that the moon has been stolen. American military and world science organizations have been notified that it was taken by a black man.
Professor Ross Orcopio of Italy said that he was watching the skies on the midnight shift when he saw "a big black hand grab the moon."
"This is utter bullshit," said Captain Roscoe Jones of the 82nd Airborne. "Every time something goes wrong they blame a black man. I'm tired of it."
Jones has a point as several white men murdered their wives and blamed it on black men, a corrupt collegiate system was blamed on Reggie Bush and a woman threw acid in her own face and blamed in on a black person. But there's one man at the telescope installation who disagrees.
"I saw the nigga take it," says Kaleem Mhia, a night janitor. The brother took the moon and stuffed it into the biggest brown paper bag I'd ever seen."
Police and military say they accept the scientific argument but still ran a series of raids in black neighborhoods to find the moon. "We're doing body cavity searches," said Sgt. Lenny Henderson of the LAPD. "You be surprised at what some of these people can hide up their asses."
Jesse Jackson and Reverend Al Sharpton both expressed outrage at the allegation saying at a press conference that "it was the very fabric of racism at play here." But after the conference, unaware that the mic was still on, Sharpton was heard to say "I wonder what fool-ass brother tried to get away with this shit?" Jackson was heard to say that he still wanted to cut off Obama's balls.
Republicans and Democrats were quick to disagree about how to replace the moon. Republicans said a tax cut for billionaires would free up money to do a study while Democrats countered with setting Rush Limbaugh on fire and "shooting his fat ass into orbit."
While everyone is baffled janitor Mhia offers a simple solution. "Just look for a nigga with a big ass paper bag."