Tuesday, August 30, 2011
INTERVIEW WITH OLD TESTAMENT GOD
We often forget about the God of the Flood. He kicked butt, took names and brought the pain. He did not like coveting and cared about people right down to their ass and their ox.
I met Old Testament God (OTG) at a Starbucks in Century City. He was turning heads as usual, mostly because he had just turned a banker into a pillar of salt.
GARY: So, what did that banker do?
OTG: He cut the line. Also, I hate bankers.
GARY: Let's start there. How can God hate?
OTG: All this loving benevolent stuff was man's invention. Read my book. Wrath, fire, death that's how I roll.
GARY: Yes, so why did you change?
OTG: Why does any Father change? I had kids.
GARY: Yes, Jesus. Thanks, by the way.
OTG: No problem. He's a good boy. After you guys crucified him, he talked me out of destroying the world. (LAUGHS) The things you do for your kids. So, I decided that maybe I should follow his example and spread love.
GARY: It's not going so well.
OTG: Tell me about it. You people are worse than ever! We have more sin than we did in the middle ages and them dudes had the Inquisition. It's like the whole world has turned into Baltimore.
GARY: So, I hear you are coming back, I mean going back to the old testament ways.
OTG: Sorry but I have to do it. It's the only thing you people understand. We tried the love thing and look what it got us. Celebrity murderers, sex as recreation, marriage as some kind of joke and people perverting My Word and My Existence to please themselves. Makes me want to dry up the oceans and you do not want to know what's down there.
GARY: So, what are your plans?
OTG: First, I'm going to turn all the atheists into hamburgers and glasses of water. This will solve world hunger and drought problems. Then I'm going to get rid of all the distractions and vices. Sorry but smoke 'em if you got 'em because soon there won't be none.
GARY: What about sex?
OTG: Oh that's still cool as long as you get married first. If you don't, you'll be going to Hell faster than you can say debt ceiling.
GARY: What do you think about that?
OTG: Nothing. Because I just turned all the politicians into ham sandwiches two minutes ago.
GARY: So what about Gay Marriage?
OTG: Excuse me, what does the Old Testament say?
GARY: Says it's wrong but--
OTG: End of story.
GARY: But is also says slavery is cool and people should not wear mixed fibers.
OTG: Sorry but the word is the word. You don't like it, find another God, oh that's right, THERE ISN'T ONE! Hey, what's that shirt made of?
GARY: 100% cotton. So basically, the party's over?
OTG: You know it and to celebrate, I'm creating a new Commandment. This time there's only one: I AM THE LORD THY GOD. AND I AIN'T NO JOKE.
OTG: You got that right.