a thousand words

Thursday, November 10, 2011

THE CALENDAR GAME


This was told to me by a man who made me swear not to use his name. I only post it because it’s very funny and probably true.

Ladies, when is it good to meet a man? It might be good to know some of the reasons men approach you when they do.

Dear Fellas,

Many of you have wondered how to navigate your social life so that you are not always getting drama from these women. Here’s a method that works all year round:

New Years – I like to pick up women at New Years. People are drunk and will say anything and often won’t remember what they said to you, or who they said they were. You can get with her and then break it off quick and she’ll just put it on the champagne.

In February you should be careful not to hook up too quickly because of Valentine’s Day. The woman will expect an elaborate gift. Try to meet one after V Day or on it. That’s always a good move.

Now you can look for your Spring Fling. A nice little distraction before the summer. March, April and May are when a lot of relationships take root. You might have to duck out of that “Easter Trap” but this can be done easily by illness or a strategically placed fight. This is generally a good time and you can get a lot of booty. Enjoy.

Dump her ass before Memorial Day.

When summer approaches you want a new relationship to go with the new season. Summer is fun, vacation, barbecues and a chance to see a lot of body. No tricky holidays here but be careful of vacation. You don’t want her to try to go with you or get you to pay for it. If she presses, you can drop her and get another one quick. Lots of single women looking to hook up in the summer! But for the most part have fun, chill and enjoy.

Kick her to the curb after Labor Day.

Now the shit gets tricky. Fall and winter have two big ass land-mines in them: Thanksgiving and Christmas.

If you meet a girl too early in the fall, you’ll have to do Thanksgiving with the family. This is just a pre-husband examination with the mamas looking at you and saying shit like: “Y’all need to get workin’ on some grandbabies.”

But if you wait too late you miss some prime booty-getting in September and October.

And Christmas! All I can say is The Present. Women will judge you on it and what it means. You wanna trip a female out? Give her ass a cookbook!

So, this necessitates some dynamic womanizing, fellas. You will need the Four Women Of Fall And Winter.™

  1. Meet Girl #1 after Labor Day and date her until mid October. Dump her about two weeks before Halloween. You got six weeks to tap that. Usually not a problem. Enjoy. Then hook up with:
  1. Girl #2. Date her for about four weeks until mid November. This girl for some reason doesn’t like to put out. Often she has been a Spring Fling or just got dumped after Labor Day. If you encounter this, just promise to “spend the holidays with her,” Tap it, then drop her before Thanksgiving. Now you can go to:
  1. Girl #3. The relationship is so new that she may not want you to go home with her. And if you do go, it’s guaranteed booty! This is a good girl. She is excited and looking forward to being a couple during the fake ass holidays! Dump her about a week after Thanksgiving.
  1. Find Girl #4. It’s too soon for any elaborate gifts. (If she’s a Christmas baby, you’re fucked, just try to get something out if it, you know) This girl is usually just looking to close out the year with a bang. Don’t disappoint her. Now you’re good until New Years.
  1. Go back to the top of this article and start it all over again, my brother!

Pass this along to all of your friends.

JD