a thousand words

Saturday, July 11, 2009


To: "Hardwick, Gary"
From: "Satan, Prince Of Darkness"
Re: Whasuuuuup!

Dear Gary,

God tells me you’re coming here. Is He joking? I can never tell.

Anyway, just wanted to drop you a line since He did. I know I’m imitating, but as you may have heard, I have Father Issues. Since you posted his letter on Facebook, I just wanted you to tell the people some things about me as well:

I am not some scary monster with hooves and horns and a tail-- okay I do kinda have a tail but there are people with uni-brows and third nipples. And that “Octo Mom? How gross is she?!

Hell is not some fiery pit with writhing bodies, sulfur and demons. We are just in a place where His grace does not reach. It’s kinda like Baltimore or Hollywood with a few more agents. Anyway, it’s fun down here! Our annual "Hellapalooza" is great. We have the Original Sin Olympics, The 10 Commandments Break-A-Thon and a beauty contest where we crown a new Miss Behaving. Then we go to Hitler’s nightclub, which is off the chiz-zain! Did I say that right? I love black slang. Hell, I love black people—taste like chicken. Just kiddin’!

Also, I am not The Great Deceiver, The Father of Lies and all that. I don’t do much of anything. Like God I stay out of it and let you guys do what you want. But I could be lying. If I was a liar then I’d say I wasn’t, to fool you, then again, I’d be telling the truth about lying proving that I wasn’t a liar, but that might be a deception as well....

... Where was I?

Oh yeah, sin. Look all I can really say is, I think things are going my way. Just look at the world. Everybody chooses different names for the same God and then kills you if you disagree! I love it and this suicide bombing business is like butter.

I do have one big beef, though. I’m the guy who made sex fun. Sure God created it but I made it wrong thus intensifying the pleasure. And what thanks do I get? You guys yell out His name. That’s like eating a Big Mac and yelling out “Wendy’s!” So just try it next time. Yell my name when you do it. And hey, I don’t mind the cursing afterwards.

Also, please don’t refer to me as The Devil. The name is Satan. It was an angel name until I got that bad press. Man, you try to kill God one time and suddenly you’re treated like Kim Kardashian at a “smart virgin” meeting. People should know that I am still an angel; I just have a little baggage. I want to make Satan a beautiful name again like Thistle or Dakota Fanning.

And the meaning of life. I know He told you that nonsense about Gilligan’s Island. But come on, we all know that life is the execution of your commitment to God by the use of Free Will, thus freeing your God-like immortal soul to be Reborn into His Eternity.

Or it’s The Brady Bunch. I can’t be sure.

Well, that’s it. I have to go. People are starting to wake up about this whole war business and I have to make sure that no one realizes we all have the same purpose. Man, you have no idea how hard it’s been keeping everyone mad at each other.

Take care and-- see you soon?


Gilligan, I mean Satan (LOL)