MY LETTER FROM GOD

Dear Gary:

You’re going to hell.

Just kidding!

There are some things I want to say to the world and well, for reasons that only I know, I don’t want to say them directly. So every once in a while, I pick a mortal such as yourself and tell him. Then I watch as he tries to get people to believe him. I get a kick out of this. That Moses and the tablets thing still makes me LMAO!

What’s up with the wars in my name? I don’t condone war. What you probably don’t know is that I’m not against them, either. I don’t do petty organic damage. All that killing and stuff, that’s on you guys. Tell people God ain’t with it and they can stop anytime they like.

Also, Harry Potter. Didn’t like it. None of them. Actually, I don’t like any book. I always know the ending. You see, that’s why I love people. I don’t know where thIs whole Free Will thing is going. It’s exciting, like when Mary Jane dies at the end of Spiderman 4— Oops.

I like reality shows. I don’t watch them, but I think it’s hilarious that people with real lives don’t appreciate how interesting they can be and so they watch the fake real lives of other people. Please tell everyone that the real sin is not enjoying the life I gave them.

Speaking of life. Let's talk about sex. I think it's one of My better inventions and it sure is in demand (Kudos to China). And thank everyone for thinking of Me so much while they do it. Calling out my name loudly is nice. I'm not fond of the cursing right after, though.

And as far as religion is concerned, I just want to remind everyone that you shouldn’t put too much stock in it. Religion is just a process by which you try to understand Me. It is not Me. And it sure isn’t silk robes, smoking purses and stoning women because they showed an elbow in public. Ultimately, religion is just a lot of writing in books and well, you already know how I feel about that.

And finally, the meaning of life: Gilligan’s Island. Everything you need to know is on that show. Although I can’t tell you why the Skipper never lost any weight. Don’t be stupid, don’t be greedy, don’t be seduced, don’t be too innocent, don’t have too much pride and don’t try to turn a radio into a transmitter and you can get off the island.

Well, that’s it and you really are going to hell.

Gotcha again!

Sincerely,

Me Almighty